I have this great saying my Friend Carol gave me:
Now Remember:
According to everyone else,
We look like a "NICE",
"NORMAL" family.
I have been a GIANT Dummy, or a "wishful thinker" on this subject.
Hoping, dreaming, expecting my kids or my family to be able and be, do, go somewhere or be something they are just not ready too be.
It's like occasionally wanting a Fairy God Mother who whisks a wand over our family and says "Now you are all perfectly normal"...aint gonna happen, not even on really good days.
During the Christmas season, my kiddo's were WAY wigged out, like beyond freaky with their behaviors. The decorations, the lights, the anxiety that if they were "just good" Santa would bring them something. (Yeah that's not a set up/trigger at all)
Well next comes the parties, performances, holiday visits and such.
We have a pretty decent policy, see who is in their right mind, and take them...the rest stay home with Mom or Dad and the babies. SO "we" as a family, don't "ALL" go out at the same time, unless it is a planned activity, church, or a bulk immunization trip (fun times, let.me.tell.you)
Silly Tra-la-la me *Knows* Bugs has a Christmas Concert, *knows* Papillion and Chatter generally don't let Bugs shine/get a word in edge wise 90% of the time. They are jealous, they sabotage, and Bugs puts up with their CRAP like a saint.
So I feel like it is important to have "THE WHOLE FAMILY" go to this concert.
Are you thinking: "Stupid, stupid woman yet?"
I set myself, my hubbie, my kids and most of all Bugs up for one HECK of a night.
We are a walking circus wherever we go anyway. Most people stare out of interest...but it does get a lil' old. I need a T-Shirt that says "YES there are 9; YES they are mine, NO IT IS NOT EASY".
So we wait in line, get our seats,17 year old, 2 seven year olds, 3 five year olds, Hubs and I with a baby in each arm..and Grandma and Grandpa.
The littlest group/play starts, ten minutes in, I do a quick 1-8 head count and realize #4 has no clothes on. Diva, AKA PRINCESS NAKED AS A JAY BIRD, is standing on her chair, trying to get attention. I grab her dress her, and glue her to my lap. Chatter is giggling and LOUDLY saying, "Did you see Diva Mom, DID YOU SEE HER ALL NAKED"...."shhhhh Chatter, yes Mommy did , and it was not a good choice".
The entirety of the show Angry Dude is whining, then crying...I thought I had brought enough treats (edible bribes) to keep his mouth too full to whine, NOPE, Scoobs and Cookie, stole em and ate them. AWESOME. So I let Dude have my bracelet to play with, knowing it is a matter of time, before he breaks it, but praying it buys me enough time to watch Bugs perform.
Bugs is on...she is doing AWESOME! Cutest Christmas ELF ya ever did see!...Papillion can not stand Bugs being on the stage, literally having a spotlight on her, my seventeen year old LOUDLY, starts complaining and mocking, "This is sooo stupid, when will it be over, I want to go home,".
I want to poke her eyes out with a pencil.
My looks say "You better knock it off"...but her mind hears "Sweet Mom is MAD...keep er up, you might just get what you want, and she won't watch Bugs at ALL".
So she scoots down one more chair from me and keeps up the LOUD, RUDE, and mocking. I see Bugs proudly searching the crowd for her Family, and then the shiny light goes out of her eyes, the second they fall on Papillion’s NASTY smirk.
I at this moment feel selfish, angry, resentful...Christmas spirit is eons away...
"I hand the baby off to Grandma, Give Diva to Papa...and gently (through clenched lips, explain to my teenage dream, "If you can't be quiet, like your five year old siblings are doing, you may wait in the VAN".
She flips my off, but also seals her lips, giving me an awesome glare, the lil' darling.
Sooo FINALLY ... it is INTERMISSION and Bugs play is over. There is one more, and then a party for the whole cast.
We. Can't. Stay.
Someone will turn into a Pumpkin...or a three headed monster.
I am kicking my self and so so so SAD.
Bugs comes out timidly, cute lil' elf ears, "Mom, can we stay for the last one and the party"?
I HATE that we can't.
I hug her and try really hard to make going to a public Ice Cream place as a family...sound much more exciting and FUN than the party with her friends. (I AM WISHING WE HAD TAKEN TWO CARS, or I had the social life to get to know the other Moms of the girls in the cast).
She isn't buying it, but half heartedly says, "Sounds great Mom, I'll go get dressed".
So we, and Grandma and Grandpa head to Artic Circle.
All the kids are getting the SAME thing, medium twist cones in a cup.
Bugs is happy as PIE with her Ice Cream, sweet thing cheers up and looks on the bright-side of things.
Papillion starts in on the "I'm not a baby, I don't want a cone, and I want a milkshake". (which are $3.00 more than the cone)
I calmly tell her, "Mom and Dad are having cones too".
"She starts to get nasty, and Hubs decides it's not worth the battle, and gives in. One Pumpkin Milkshake coming up... (Note: Mom does not agree with this, but is too tired, and beyond caring)
So the Triumphant teen sits with her prize, next to Bugs and s-l-o-w-l-y starts enjoying her treat. (the message; I AM MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU)...are we DONE yet...OH NOO NO not even close, cause the Grams and Gramps sit down with their own dipped chocolate cones, and Papillion, NO LONGER WANTS THE $3.50 milkshake, she wants what Grandma and Grandpa have and gives Bugs her Milkshake, which Bugs eats happily.
MOM AND DAD are both DONE.
Thank goodness by now, *most* of the kids are finished with their cones and I am wiping down hands and mouths. We are not buying another stinking thing. Maybe ever.
Hubs starts hustling littles out to the Van, when I turn and see, (are you ready for this), Papillion digging out all of the extra ice-cream out of the little kids left over cups and putting it in a NEW cup for herself. Hell-to-the-NO is that going to happen. I grabbed the cup, and tossed it, saying, "Sorry babe, game is over, car is leaving, if ya want a ride home, I suggest you get your hiney to the car"....Papillion leashes out a stream of obscenities that made my Mother in Law blush....and worst of all I see Bugs, sitting in the both patiently waiting for me, with a single little tear, she pushes away, before she thinks I will see it.
What I am going to say is not for the faint of heart, or probably for anyone that hasn't parented trauma...WALK AWAY ...go read an HAPPY POST....I WARNED YOU...
UNTIL that moment, I don't think I truly HATED, anyone, I mean, I have had my bullies, as a child as an adult, but really HATED someone, nope.
I HATED MY TEENAGER. I wished her adoption away. I wanted her to hurt as bad as she had hurt my innocent little girl, whom so badly wanted her big sister to be proud of her.
……and then I realized something;
I AM AN IDIOT. This was my fault, my expectations gone wrong...my dirty doing, I triggered my kids, and I know how they are at home..and I expected them to be different in a public place? I KNEW Papillion adores Bugs, but is fiercely jealous too, and has no tools to cope with that on a healthy level. I DID THIS....and by the way, I want my teenager to feel as bad as Bugs did, she already does that by herself every. Single. Day.
Change your thinking, change your life.
Right now my life has limitations; right now healing is our priority. Does it have room for hate, resentment, anger...NOPE...so Lindsay, don't be silly. Don't expect the impossible/ Some miracles take time and hard work.
Saturday, Bugs had her second performance ever.
Papillion wanted to go. Bummer, cause me and the Bugs had plans.
I dropped her off early for Make-up and pre-practice. I went to the store and bought Bugs and two of her other friends three Bouquets of multi colored daisy’s (I made friends with Mama's and now we car pool)...and watched the entire show BEAMING at my beautiful daughter, tearing at her lovely voice..and staying for the WHOLE show. By my empty lapped,not juggleing, or head counting non-shushing kids self. It was AWESOME.
Afterward, she picked the restaurant, she proudly brought in her bouquet, and the sweet Applebee’s waitresses made a fuss over my lil girl.
We shared a YUMMY sampler (she picked), we had Mango Lemonade, she had her pick of the desert menu....HER SMILE WAS CONTAGIOUS.
She giggled and talked up a storm. When we left, she wanted to leave the waitress one of her flowers with our bill.
As we walked hand in ahnd to the car she had tears, but HAPPY ones. "Mom thank you for tonight, this was so special, I won't forget this night, ever".
Was I sad the rest of my family didn't get to witness their sisters talent and cheer her on, a little, but to be honest most of them wouldn't have anyway...
Did I wish my Hubie had been there, you bet.
But cha know, sometimes it is what it is...and what you make out of it makes all of the difference.
Linds
I laughed until my face hurt like only a RADical mama can, and I cried like only a RADical mama can, too. So glad we've found each other!! And so glad I finally got to see your beautiful face, too!
ReplyDeleteYes, that is hard to finally realize that things won't be the way we had envisioned they would be ("normal", whatever that is)... but we have to make our new normal- and make sure the video camera is charged so that the parent who has to miss out on the event can watch it later on video!
ReplyDeleteGlad to know that you were able to have a great night with one of your special kiddos...... It is also a great thing for BUG to just be a kid and enjoy her night and shine. We GET to parent out of the box....It may seem abnormal to others but it is just what the doctor ordered for us....And in the end our kids will heal faster, our family will run smoother --- everyone will be happier.
ReplyDeleteim so glad that you got to attend her second performance and have a special dinner after, how nice for bugs to have that one on one time. what a sweet special girl, leaving the waitress a flower. lil angel :)
ReplyDeleteThe expectations of happy fun times together are the worst for mama, I think. I think when I've strived and saved and prepared for a wonderful treat for my son that the universe somehow sees that and will repay us with a few minutes of joy. But it doesn't work that way. Being in a crowd is a trigger. Being expected to be happy is a trigger, when he's always feeling sad and broken. Not changing his mind twelve times at the last minute is impossible. Mom's idea that we make a plan and decide, then stick to what we decided doesn't take into account that moment by moment, the life-threatening danger he feels all around him may necessitate rewriting the script. Thanks for this blog! It's helping me tremendously. I see now that so many of his things are from attachment disorder. It's helping me to feel things from his point of view, and react better.
ReplyDeleteTo share some things that have worked for us, in case they can be helpful to anyone else. He takes a beta blocker called Nadalol which controls his response to the adrenaline that is flooding his system at 5 to 10 times the normal level. That helps my son hugely. I took him to a cardiologist who put a 24 hour Holter monitor on him and discovered multiple tachycardia events and some arrhythmia events called PACs that were happening constantly that warranted the beta blocker. I don't want to drug him up, but I think it's appropriate to try to regulate the insane way his nervous system reacts to normal everyday events and makes him feel so much terror.
My son is older now. I wish I had found all of you years ago. And one other thing we're doing that works is regular meditation. Here is the link to the series of videos in which it's all explained. The mind is very flexible and even adults can transform their experience of existence this way. I'm benefiting from it too. http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLBCEA6CAE376D8BC1&feature=plcp So when they are adult enough to follow this plan, they really can take control back of their responses to the world. I think maybe these ideas could possibly be adapted to younger children just by altering the environment with Mom leading them in relaxation and meditation. Or maybe it can be a way for just mom to take more control of her reactions to all the chaos and stay calmer and happier.