Will it ever get better?

" I want every parent to know that it can get better. It always can get better because we are designed to be in relationship. We are designed to be in balance and so we will always find that. It just takes new understanding and it takes a lot of courage on our part to start doing things differently. I want parents to know that they have everything within them, all the answers are within them, and their kids, and when they can open up to that, then they will find healing."
~Heather Forbes~

I HAVE to remember this. There are days I feel like I am a hamster on a never-ending wheel...running my little legs off...but not really getting anywhere.
Then I look at pictures like the one above. I have given irreplaceable gifts to my children. Siblings, Brothers and Sisters, Mother and Father, a family.

I so often feel like there is just not enough of me to go around, or that maybe if I had a couple less children, with not so many problems I would be able to help more, get through easier...but then which precious child would go, which ones would stay...I can't even wrap my brain around not having MY children. YES, the ones that throw my phone in a stinky potty...or steal and hide my Ipod player in the top of their Barbie house...these are MY children, with glorious smiles and giggles and capabilities , despite the major hurts they have survived.

My kiddos right now are EMOTIONALLY BLIND. I forget that sometimes. They can't interpret what they are feeling so they act out in behaviors, essentially grasping out in the darkness for something to hold onto, something to SAY what they are feeling.

*WARNING* This is going to be ubber sappy. Because deep down under the sarcasm, and punchlines...I really am hopelessly gooey.

Two weekends ago when Bugs had her performance she sang this song.
I sat in that audience and I cried. Some people do the whole glistening tear thing,NOT ME, for me tears = snot, red eyes=blotchy face....generally I look like I just got punched in the face, after a good cry. Since I am emotionally unstable sensitive these days, I cry pretty easily. I have LOVED this song since I was a little girl, and if I had half of a singing voice I would belt this out my sunny windows and little blue birds would come rest on my open palms...but I don't,I sound more like a drowning cat.
But just listen to these lyrics:


How much dose this fit our kiddo's?
How MUCH they NEED US to be that light source, to guide them, to teach them...to be their eyes and their hearts until they can and grow heal their own.
They ARE LOST, they WERE drifting...this is what we are here for Mama's...to paint that ray of HOPE around them....for as long as it takes..and then some...to NEVER let them go. That doesn't mean if they have to be in a safer place than your home , you are failing...it means we STILL, NO MATTER WHAT..need to be their constant source of L.O.V.E.
Love is A LOT of things.  We as therapeutic parents have to KNOW that.

I am so sad today. My little chatter has started MASSIVELY stealing, everything. This was not really her M.O. before. Since beginning her Therapeutic Pre-school (which she loves and is doing relatively well there) she is stealing, and lying in enormous proportions. Yesterday it was my Ipod.She BEGGED to be the one to deliver the green rolls we had made for Saint Patricks Day over to the neighbors, instead she swiped a bunch and putting them underneath her shirt ....and in hiding she ate them...she had JUST HAD two warm out of the oven with honey and butter.
Her sisters ENTIRE bottle of perfume was sprayed and dumped as well. The list goes on and on.
So what does this mean? Do I bring her back home, is she too stressed and is this two days a week still JUST TOO much on her? I know she will get there, but did we jump the gun again? We had tried school in September, and she would come home and have two to three hour long rages.So the stealing feels much more mild to that. YET...these actions are her words..
Whats a Mama to do?

It is getting better, I get so overwhelmed in the "whats happening RIGHT now"..if I STOP and look at where we were even six months ago healing really is SLOWLY happening, behaviors are getting better. Their capability to understand feelings, and cause and effect are coming. They ASK for hugs now. Dude can go a half hour at a time without crying. AMAZING.

I DO BELIEVE it will get better, I have Faith and HOPE!
I Believe that love dose and can do AMAZING things.

Lindsay