Monday, February 21, 2011

Mine Fields

Today I am going to post some you-tube video links from an AMAZING Trauma Mama. (after I get her permission)
She is what inspired me, she is so brave and honest, with respecting her children and stating over and over how much therapeutic parenting is about unconditional love.
She adopted a older three child Haitian sibling group out of the Foster Care System.
Yowza's eh?

A couple of weeks ago I had a dream.
Hubbie and I were driving up this mountain, it was a dirt road with not a whole lot of give on either side. We had flowers and food and all kids of goodies in the back seat. Apparently we were headed up to visit Papillion she lived in a little house on the very top of the mountain. The mountain was desert, nothing lush, kinda dry and sparse. We were one third of the way up the winding road when suddenly we realized the road was filled with landmines. Some had started going off ...after we had driven over them. We stopped the car (oddly our lil' Rav 4 had turned into a Hum V). We looked at each other "WHAT DO WE DO NOW",was in both of our eyes.
Both of us had started up this mountain, but what about the other kids at home? If we keep on going and both get blown up, what happens to Papillion, and what about the other eight at home? It was dangerous going back ...knowing there could be other unexploded mines...but going on had REALLY BAD ODDs to get blown up.
We both got out of the car and knee-led down on the dirt road and started to pray for guidance, "what do we do"? I was gut wrenched and sobbing, I couldn't leave Papillion up on that mountain, scared and lonely when I had a truck full of things for her, but what about the other kids? What if I got blown up in the process and wasn't any good to anyone? What if I sent Dad back down the hill , and I went up by myself...would the other kids resent it?

I woke up, body shaking sobbing.

So Mine Fields.
If you live with a child whom has experienced trauma, you walk through one everyday.So when you least expect it KA-BLAM...everything around you is in pieces and your not sure where it came from!

If you know me, you know I am STU-BBORN! I have Lupus, and was told (once er twice...more like a gazillion times) I shouldn't have babies. Oh yeah? I have nine! Bring it! Just dare me to prove you wrong! See....Stupid Stubborn!

Last August I decided..."I miss the farmers market", hadn't been for a while, wanted to go. I was craving the organic Veggies, the cool homemade soaps, the super cool people milling around. So since Hubbie was off at a conference, it was me and "The NINE". I packed up my double stroller, my lil red wagon...and away we went.
Glory be! I FOUND a parking spot for the Silver Bullet (my 15 passenger beast). One baby on my back in a carrier.
One baby and one four year old in the double stroller, a six year old on either side holding onto the handles. Two four year olds in the wagon.Papillion and Bugs taking turns pulling the wagon, while I manned the stroller. We.Were.a.walking.Circus.

Still I was out!!! We sniffed soaps, we googled the super cool loaves of breads,Paillion tried to talk me into buying her a hand crafted bag.
People stared.
I smiled back.

We got to the food booths, one of my daughters best friends Papa's had a Homemade Doughnut booth. Piping HOT...and covered in Cinnamon and Sugar. Why the heck not.
I bought a whole bag full of the holes...probably like 25 balls of heaven.
I waited for them to cool enough to start handing them out. Scooby checked his blood sugar.
One for you, one for you, one for you...."now remember guys, everyone is getting an equal amount, so it doesn't matter how fast you eat them, I will wait for everyone to finish before I hand more out. Second round same as the first....
So when we got to the third round "SNAP" there wasn't enough for everyone to have a whole. So the thrifty Mom in me started pulling the doughnuts in half and handing them out.
Suddenly I heard it, the deep wail of a wounded she-cat. I look up and their is Chatter Box, "SCREAMING"..and I don't mean "one trickling tear"...I mean , I thought she might have bitten her tongue off, screaming. I hurry over , check her mouth, "did she bite her finger" She is MAD...she is spitting-mad that I dare split the doughnut and gave her half. My six year old is on the ground, Screaming a LOUD animalistic-sobbing-shrieking, won't let me touch her, pick her up clawing at me. (Remember I have a baby on my back)....People are now really staring...and not in the "Wow, how many kids is that?, I wonder if they are all hers", sort of way...

For my own mental stability (cause the child can't hear me) I sing-song say, "Bummer time to go". I ask Bug to push the stroller, Papillion is TICKED (cause secretly she was hoping we would go back and sucker Mom into that bag) and Screaming in Creole at the she-cat...

I picked the clawing . biting drooling, screaming child, and as gently (trying not to drop her) carry her through the booths , people are so shocked, they stop in their tracks in front of me, and I have to wake them up , to get them to move with an "Excuse me". Man if I had a bull-horn, I would have yelled "COMING THROUGH, PLEASE LET THE CARAVAN OF CRAZY ON THROUGH"....
We made it to the car, people getting in and out of their cars stopped to stare, I loaded the babies while holding a death grip, on the child that was trying to run...
Loaded up the babies, buckled the four year olds with one hand.
How was I going to get Chatter Box in the car, get her to stay buckled...and not have her jump out of the moving vehicle? ...(mind you she is still SCREAMING like a Mountain Lion on steroids)

I am not happy with his child right now. She is not my favorite person at the moment. (maybe not even in my top ten) I have her snot and drool all over my arm and shirt. I HAVE to put my Big Girl panties on right now (borrowed that Christine)....and figure out how to get this Tornado home. So I do the total opposite of what I would have done eight months before...I pull out a stick of gum,I smelled the gum slowly, I looked deeply at it, I S-l-o-w-l-y started to unwrap in...I have Chatters attention, I ask her if she would like the Gum...she shakes her head yes...she is still hard-breathing-screaming. I put the delicacy into the jaws of death...careful to not get bitten.
She calms just a little. I praise the heck out of it. I get her in the car, I buckle her, she starts to whimper, I hand her the another stick of gum, "and cheerfully tell her, "if we can get home without you unbuckling that seat-belt, we will find a special treat to share with everyone when we get home, I want you to think about what we can make together".

I get in the car and flip on my "Kids Tunes, Beatles Music"...I am white knuckling the steering wheel, my hands are numb from gripping to tight. As I pull out of the parking lot, the song "All you Need is Love" turns on.

Stupid Frigging Beatles.

It is a Mine Field out there.

1 comment:

  1. I am re-reading your blog. It has been a really rough week, but you give me hope. Thanks again for your very honest posts.