Sunday, February 20, 2011

I am terrified to do this....

Nope, really I am.
Before my Haitian Sensations came home, I had a family Blog, a recipe blog, and a blog for my lil' Foster Angel... Then 2010 Haitian the Earth Quake hit. It shook and crumbled everything I knew, thought I wanted, expected life to be like to the very core of my being.

We brought our kiddo's home Feb 1st of 2010.
At first I was too shell shocked to deal, write or even talk about so many of the horrors I saw. I wanted to share the miracles, the Details God had put in the miracles for all of those children to come home, but they were so intertwined for me with the loss, the absolute agony and desperations we witnessed. Where would or could I start? So I didn't. Heck I was dog paddling with SIX new kids. Some sick with parasites, throwing naked tantrums, eating out of garbage cans...and I thought THAT was going to be the hard part. Cleared some of that up in the first month...then I felt like I could do anything! Homeschooling all of the kids, baking everything from scratch...TA-DA!

I had abandoned blogging on my family blog, I just didn't have the time and every-time I sat to write...I couldn't do the Happy News...Haiti was still weighing me down...the "truth" of real struggle and pain made my challenges seem like I didn't write.

June came and all of that "I am AMAZING and doing a really great job"...came to a mind blowing STOP.
Like having the wind knocked out of me...

So here is the Introduction to our shorties:

I used to blog, I used to do a lot of things , including self hygiene things that only now happen if I can't sleep! ( EX:shaving legs)

We have 2 bio kiddo's:
Bug-bug 9 , she is a 30 year old in a 9 year old body
Peanutbutter 5, surfer dude for sure

One domestically adopted dude:
Scooby 7~ Scooby is a type 1 diabetic and came home at 3 days old with attachment issues...

One foster Ukrainian angel:
Faith 15 months - she heals my heart every day.

and 5, COUNT THEM F.I.V.E. Haitian Sensations with FULL BLOWN A.J.

We started 2 adoptions in 06, our lil' guy Gibson passed away in April, alone in Haiti...( I thought that was my worst nightmare come true) are trials preparatory!!!!

Instead of choosing bitterness and anger at the Orphanage, I chose to jump in a see what I could do to help...I started being the adoption coordinator for our kids O.
3 1/2 years later, falling in love with four more kids...and traveling to Haiti 11 times, my. kids. were. still. not. home. My one year olds were 4,my 3 year old 6, my 13 year old 16!!!! Then the EQ hit.
I had just been there 5 weeks earlier. Guitar Man (my awesome Family and Marriage Therapist Hubbie/ Sex addiction Specialist) came with. Gods hand was in the details and we escorted 72 kids to their forever families it took 10 HELLa-shish days, I know deep down I have PTSD from the dead bodies, and the babies and kids I held in the embassy that did not make it.

SO Feb 1st of last year:

Papillion age 17
Chatter Box age 7
Divalicious age 5
Cookie Monster age 5
Angry Dude age 2

joined our family....we had 5 months of honeymooning, shazam I thought I had EVERYTHING thing under control!!! I was SUPER MOM!!! Home schooling 9 kids, Making homemade Granola, and Breads...I was ON IT!
...Then. June. hit....and my angels turned into demons, with fangs...and multiple heads.

Now Bug and Scooby are in a fabo Montessori school, the other seven are home.
I couldn't protect everyone. Papillion and Chatter would not let me home-school Scooby and Bugs, they would spend all day sabotaging any school or attention that was not focused on them.

We faked things being O.K. for the last year...that is RIGHT we faked the "Everything is FINE"...cause what else do you do?
Well here's the thing, faking it to you Make it is GREAT, when it works...but finally one day after another horrible, no good, low down day...I looked at my Husband and said, we aren't Faking it anymore. We. Are. Lying.
This is not getting better,and WILL NOT , anytime soon... and it is not out fault, it doesn't make us failures, it sets us free.

So we started telling the TRUTH to family, and neighbors...letting our church congregation leaders know...and you know what? WE GOT LOVE, SUPPORT, and UNDERSTANDING in return....amazing eh?

Guess coming out of the closet isn't so here we go...cause I NEED this.
Even if my random posts, telling the truth about the rages, lying, stealing, manipulation, peeing, self mutilating behaviors my children have... help one person...I have helped one Mother doing the best she can feel not so alone.

Yes I post silly things ...cause if you can't LAUGH through the tears, rage and hard...what is the point.

But here you will see silly, you will read the CRAZY therapeutic parenting techniques we use. I will post awesome links to other Mama's parenting Trauma...and how they get up and do it every day.

Here we's not gonna be pretty, but we can do this!!!!


  1. You go Linds!!!!! I am excited to read, and learn from you. You are amazing, some people feel bad for children and only wish they could help. You and Trevor DO.

  2. AMEN, AMEN!!!! I feel so much better now. And here I thought I was a horrible mother not being able to “reach” my kids. Mostly the oldest.
    Thanks you, Lindsay. I’m with you on this. The behavior is NOT typical and isn’t just taken care of quickly or with a few sessions with a psychologist......SLOW moving.
    noelle (and Chad)

  3. Thank you so much for your "coming out" decision! Just reading your posts has helped me so much! Of course I thought there was something wrong with me, with the way I parented, or something, because otherwise how could such a sweet good sad boy I met at 14 turn into this total hellion by age 18 (now 23)? For years it was true that he sabotaged every single day for himself and for us as a family. I only have one and it's overwhelming sometimes, I can't see how you manage with 9. And any kind of special day that we go to have fun? Double or triple sabotage on that, so that we just quit doing those fun things.

    I tried so hard to be patient, but it was hard. Finally through the years I've gained control in various ways that were not making him feel better about himself, and our house is not total hell 24-7 anymore. But he's not healing and he's not making as much progress as I hoped.

    Since I've found your blog, I've come to have so much more patience for him! I had no idea other attachment challenged children acted this way! I now understand that his central nervous system is what sabotages him, not his deliberate choice to try to make our lives as miserable as possible. I can be on his side again now in ways I couldn't before.

    You've helped me so, so much! I can't tell you how grateful I am. And you've helped him as well. Every time through the years that I've been tempted to give up, especially after he carried out his suicide attempts and then turned on me as I tried to stop him, I prayed and prayed and learned that Heavenly Father has not given up on him, so that made me feel that I shouldn't either.

    Now with therapeutic parenting I feel we're making a whole new start. It's such a lifeline for us to read your blog. Thank you so much!