Thursday, February 7, 2013

The day my son tried to Blow us up, for the Second time....

Traumaversaries...are something parents, victims and therapists in the trauma world reference when talking about a day, season, or time of year where someone is more than usually triggered,acting out or even plagued with anxiety attacks or some other odd health phenomena.


Don't ya'll remember the Greys Anatomy episode when a woman came in with a heart attack, that ended up being an extreme anxiety attack...that happened on that day, as they discovered every year, for the last 5 years, on the same day that her lover died?

Yeah, like that...but not.
Because it doesn't wrap in a syndicated one hour episode, with McDreamy patting me on the shoulder and telling me everything is going to be doesn't end with knowing at all if it is going to be I am going to throw A LOT of love, compassion,faith, hope, understanding and everything else I have at this...

Today I posted this little cheery Facebook update....not really feeling cheerful, or happy about the prospect of a new heater...but you know” trying to make the best out of a rough situation”...

Today, after the Furnace guy fixed 'Frankenstein' (yes we name our cars and appliances we are thoooose weirdo people), the Furnace dude showed me the broken piece, he gently mentioned that was so random a piece to be  broken the way it was... and then added these words.

“Funny, I looked up the books and same thing, same piece same thing happened the same day last year.”

Whaaaaaaaa...wait a minute...and then pieces of the last few days began to fit, one of mine has been COMPETLY off...the quiet one....the one that has the storm brewing with in...
The one every second of everyday for the last 3 days has been wonky times a million....

.....and when I go back and read last years emails, last years messages...I see a pattern, you know, cuz a mini base ball bat that is stuck in a Furnace and breaks off spokes and makes the rotation go off can create a fire....happening twice, on the same day, one year apart...BOOOOM.

HOUSTON we have a problem....

So after I signed the “yes bill me later, yeah the dude did the work” paper and got the pink copy of it.
(I do believe that is the technical term)

I cried a little in the hallway, face palmed in the “last year, same time” of it all. I took a big,fat.breath.

I went to my boy.
I promised him before we even had the talk....

*that I already knew and had forgiven him.
* that he would not get in trouble.
* that no one would spank him
* that no one would call the police
*that I still loved him
*that I was not getting rid of him
* that I was going to help him try harder to keep his boundaries
*that it really was going to be O.K.

I said these things while my chest squeezed and panic filled it, because I had a hard time believing my words.
Can I help him enough?
Is it really going to be OK?

Traumaversaries are the things that go bump in the night and make you question EVERYTHING...because you are living them, right then, and that is all you see or feel and Perspective is that 20 year old body, you don't even remember having.

I held his face. I helped him with words.
He shared some words that scared the ba-jebbers out of me, true, feeling words.
Like: “I really wanted to blow everyone up, especially you Mamma,."
" How can you forgive me for that?”
“Uh, O.K. Wow, those are some pretty big feelings, no matter what it is my job to love you and keep all of us safe.......and ect.”
He cried, tears came out of everywhere. I hugged him.
We both were snot dripping messes when it was all said and done.

He ended with...

“Mom I only sometimes want you dead. But then if your were dead, who would I ask to help me cuz you were dead? I know I told you I don't love you and maybe sometimes that is true, but sometimes it isn't.”

“I will love you enough for both of us when it is too much and too hard for you.”

We put more boundaries in place, NOT COINCEQUNCES...but boundaries..explaining he wasn't in trouble, but he needs help keeping his brain and hands in places he won't feel bad about know, like not blowing up the entire family.....

The hard thing is he doesn't know why February 6th, 7th and 8th are such hard dates for him, we might never know why, will we be prepared next year? You betcha...Will these days be starred and perhaps we will be out of town? You can count on it...

and now, I will go snuggle a baby, and a puppy at the same time, and have a good cleansing cry....I will mourn with my boy the broken parts that these dates have cost him,what it costs all of us.....

...oh yeah, and I am going to be grateful, you know that I am not blown up, that soooo would have made my day worse.


  1. I am soooo grateful you are not blown up also!!! Funny how the kids get in patterns huh? Even down to the piece he broke same as last year. Anyway, I am SO glad you are still alive.
    Our furnace is 33 years old, it usually dies once a year but keeps coming back. I probably just jinxed us all.

  2. I love you, I am so sorry, I feel your anguish, yours and his too, that poor little man.

  3. Yikes! So glad that the furnace guy put the puzzle pieces in place. Wow!

    Almost exactly a year ago, my 10 year old daughter looked me in the eye . . . with a cold hearted stare . . . and said, "Sometimes I want to kill you." I calmly said, "I'm sorry that you feel that way." (and we talked a bit about it more the next day . . . and I got out a lock box for all of our knives and scissors).

    Two weeks later, she told her bio. sister (whom we also adopted), "I am going to kill you while you sleep." (they shared a bunk bed)

    Two weeks later, she said, "Fine, then, I will just kill myself."

    We began in earnest to find a Residential Treatment Center for her. She now lives in another state. Sad. Hard. But . . . I didn't want to wait until she attempted any of her threats.

    I just read on a blog yesterday that an adopted child with RAD murdered her mother this week. Killed her as she slept. All I could think . . . "It could have been me."

    The reality of our lives is so far from what any of us could have possibly imagined.

    Hugs & Prayers,

    mama of 12

    1. Laurel, I would love to chat with you a little about the residential treatment center where your daughter is. We have a son in one, but there has been so little progress and I can't help feeling there has to be somewhere better out there for him... Could you email me at cryssacryssa at yahoo dot com? I would so appreciate it! :)
      Mom to 13

  4. I am so incredibly grateful you were not blown up. I am so grateful that you are still here to be the amazing wife, mother, mentor, and woman that you are. I am so glad that that hurting little soul has you to hold him and help him heal. I am so glad that next year you won't be caught by surprise.

    But yet, reading your words makes my heart ache for the one that almost got the opportunity to make his wish of killing me come true. I was looking at his picture on MARE again yesterday, and my heart could not take looking at that sweet face for more than a moment. I don't know how to deal with that yet.

    God heals, restores, and brings hope. That is all I know.



  5. So. Freaking. Hard. and you, you my friend, are so amazing! (Even though I know if you said that to me I would punch you in the nose. I don't wanna be amazing in that way!)

  6. WOW!! WOW!! You are so REAL!! Real about who your kids are, REAL about their hurts and fears. This REAL talk is what heals!! I want to hear your stories in REAL life!! I want to be your friend. Might be a bit creepy, but I am for reals! :)

    I think your CRAZY... but now one of my best inspirations!!


    1. Dear Sage,
      Come find me on Facebook Lindsay Woodward Crapo
      lets chat, tell me about you...
      2 years ago, I was blessed when someone answered my blog post.
      6 weeks later we met up at SPACE.
      If you have the resources....YOU.SHOULD.COME.
      It has changed my support system and constantly helps me in this parenting is a REAL parenting conference...I am speaking, and even better people that BLOW me out of the water are speaking...I am pretty sure there are still openings ...check out this link....<3
      Chat soon!

  7. After reading this post all I can say is WOW! The Lord sure has blessed you in so many ways. I know God put me in this life direction and we are moving forward every day but knowing/dealing with that much hurt in a little person is something I don't know if I could do. I guess if God puts that in my life he will give me the knowledge to deal with it.

    I love reading your blog and I thank God that there are many awesome blog that can help me on my journey, hoping that maybe some day mine will inspire others.

    God Bless you all! :-)

  8. I don't even have words. Knowing how very real these feelings are for our kids, and for how real those words became for a mama this past week...and how perfectly you handled it. Yah. I just stand in your awesomeness. That's all.

  9. Glad you aren't blown up.
    Blown away maybe
    There is so much everyday it is hard to know what happened yesterday let alone a year ago, Thank you mister Dude who fixes the furnace
    love you

  10. WOW! I'm glad your aren't blown up too!
    You handled that beautifully! Praying that healing takes place. Complete Healing!

  11. I wrote a post with excerpts and links to you today.

    Thanks for sharing your reality. More people need to hear about the TOUGH journeys that we parents of RAD kids walk.

    mama of 12

  12. I am so proud of you and can only aspire to be a smidgen of what you are to your children. I will be praying for you to stay strong and full of compassion.