I have an enormous amount of guilt that resides deep in my chest.
Some days I am so accustomed to it I don't feel it. Other day it is a boulder that blocks deep breathing, figuratively and quite literally.
I feel guilt for the trauma I have caused to my "already here" children by making the choice to bring traumatized children into our home.
At times we are a messy concoction of life, but there are days I see the separation effect, the loss the damage done by the early childhood trauma experienced by my newest additions, and how that disconnect cuts our family in two. When I glimpse my healthier children witnessing rages, violence towards me, non compliance in simple everyday things ...I see their pain, their confusion their frustration over things never-ever being simple.
It had been a rough morning, one child christening all of my jewelry in the toilet...while another for reasons that skip my memory became primal and in the midst of breakfast cooking decided to lose her poo.
Today turned from structured school day, to a-dance-my-butt-off therapeutic day.Once child was regulated, we did Trauma Release exercises,strong sitting and tapping, lunch and naps.
Later I returned home from a meeting with yet another mental health specialist, a big meeting and evaluation before one of my children undergo some deep psychological testing;my oldest at home had an essay waiting for me, on my bed.
Through tears, the boulder began to shrink. Maybe it will only last for today, the shrinking, but I doubt it. Because somewhere in this mix of odd crazy hard insanity, are moments I see so.much.hope.
I see the amazing people they are all becoming because of each-other.
I see the unconventionally designed patchwork quilt of a hodgepodge of individuals being a thing of warmth, comfort, strength...and really a kick ass family, raising thinkers, dreamers, lovers and fighters teaching each-other with their weaknesses and their strengths;
"Moving on"
by Bugs age 11
"My family has some boundaries that they are still working on, but they are getting there. I mean closer to making better choices. As an example; today my sister started raging and screaming while my Mom was trying to get breakfast made. So she took my sister and had her sit under her legs, so she could continue to make breakfast. Well my sister hit her and tried to leave, after a while my Mom said she would have to stop breakfast and take her on a walk outside if she couldn't calm down.
So I sat on the floor and gave my sister the "Stop and Think" sign.
Then our dog Penelope came to sit by me so I moved with Penelope next to my sister. Then she started to pet Penelope and calm down.
So my mom realized this and moved her legs from in front of my sister and had her strong sit on the floor. Then I said to my sister " Good Job, you used a tool!"
Then my Mom kneeled next to her and my sister told my Mom that I was helping her.
So I gave her a big hug and looked up at my Mom smiling and almost cried.
I will say I was a little surprised, but deep down I knew I had a feeling that I knew my sister could turn it around. I have realized that they are getting closer to making better choices."
that is so beautiful... I too have a tremendous amount of guilt- even moments ago in the car on our way home from a basketball game... the same kids were causing the same problems... and being disrespectful. Acting entitled, and haughty and just ridiculous... while the other kids sat quietly.
ReplyDeleteBut as MY therapist tries to tell me--- all of my kids are learning skills that many families are not teaching their children- and will be way further along when they are having to deal with difficult adults, and hard relationships.
That it is hard... really hard... but also really beautiful.
That being said... I'm pretty sure all of my biological kids have said at one time or another "I am NOT adopting kids." and a couple have sworn off having kids all together :)
What a fabulous young lady you have, fabulous!
ReplyDeleteWow. What wisdom!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful! Thanks for sharing. :)
ReplyDeleteMy youngest bio. were 6, 8, 11 when we brought home 3 siblings from Ghana (ages 6, 9, 12). Two of the 3 have severe RAD. Things have been TOUGH for the past 5 years.
While it has not been easy on my 3 youngest bio. (actually the youngest of 10 bio.), the Lord has taught them so. very. much. They are strong and compassionate. They tell there Mama, "I love you" more than the other 7 bio. combined (because they have seen such hatred aimed at their Mama). They love their adopted siblings dearly, even though they have been shown nothing but contempt over and over and over again.
Stay strong. The Lord is at work in your kids that do not have RAD. He knew what He was going to allow into your home, and He gave each of you the tools to work through it.
Hugs & Prayers,
Laurel :)
mama of 12
Awesome! It's hard. At least my "already here kids" are teenagers and have been a tremendous help and support. Your 11 year old is ahead of her time. My girls have reaped immense blessings in disguise and have become compassionate, and caring people.
ReplyDeleteWow, what an awesome little baby girl you've got there! Thank you for sharing this; it's a great reminder for me. I sometimes let myself have the what have we done to our already here child though. I always finsih it knowing that she will come out a better person for having learned the skills to help people who need it the most and to know that love isn't always enough but everyone is worth the effort. I'm looking long term and seeing amazing people they'll grown up to be :)
ReplyDeletePrecious letter. :)
ReplyDeleteSibling love is very powerful. :)
Wow. She is amazing! You are amazing! What a wonderful thing to read.
ReplyDelete