Where the Hell is GOD in all of this?

Six years ago we were waiting on two beautiful Haitian babies. We were young, in our mid twenties, had a five year old, three year old and one year old...all that we needed for our lives to feel "complete" were these two, darling brown eyed babies to help make our family, after all, God had led them to us.

While we waited, while the days and weeks, months and holidays without them in my arms passed...I comforted myself with the promises of them being in Gods hands, when they came home being it his will. When little Gibson died of diarrhea and dehydration, being buried, with out the tear soaked kisses of me getting to say good bye, with out me having the closure of watching his little body being put in the ground....I often handed that pain, that loss, to he that loved him first, and loved him more, his creator.

Choosing action instead of bitterness, I began working with and for my children's Orphanage, referring children, traveling for updates, parent trips, adoption process work....we then found, and adopted four more beautiful children....
As part of my job and new responsibilities, part was hand choosing with prompting and prayer the children for particular adopting families. I lovingly wrote updates and sent pictures to families that years later would disrupt, in pain, and sadness after months or years of their children's trauma taking too far a toll on their “before Haiti”, “before adoption”, “before trauma” families. How my heart understands and breaks and wants to know why.
I too have walked this path, of loss, pain , and letting go when no other option are left.

Even in the throws and pain of the Earth Quake, the losses and trauma, the fear and things felt seen and experienced that changed us all, God was there, his promises, miracles and surrounding angels guided, lifted up and were felt, seen and one of the most sacred religious experiences of my life. To deny that would be denying myself.

And now, three years later, like many families,after the miracles, after the beautiful ceremonies and finalization’s....I am needing him, searching for him...grasping desperately for the way I used to see him, need him, and understand him, and have to figure out for myself as I have changed, how much bigger my relationship and dependence and faith need to be, and how I will exercise it.

I think after you have been in war, after you have lost all you knew to be true, you have to redefine the whats and the whys and the hows. You have to decide HOW you are going to choose to see things, trust and put your faith in...because the ground is still shaking.
And with how hard and scary things are right NOW, the future scares the shit-ous-kies out of you...

Mahatma Gandhi said:

“I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following. “

I have learned I can do that.

There are days I am still angry, I want to know why, why I felt led to my children, led to the pain it has caused my before seemingly normal little, happy family. I want to know why so much pain and trauma that is so contagious is allowed to the very small and helpless, and why it can be passed through sharing and inflicting abuse, changing all of us, changing me, how I felt about the world, being a mother, God.
How can all of this pain been his plan?
Does he KNOW HOW HARD IT IS?
Does he KNOW how alone and scared and shamed and desperate this is?
How angry I am that first my beautiful adopted children were damaged so badly, and how it was O.K. to bring that damage and pain into the four walls of my home, and worse, inside the chambers of hamburger meat that used to be my heart?

What it feels like to be abandoned by other believers?
Judged?
Misunderstood? 


of course he does.......

And then I think of the other believers, ones whom did not have it easy either, ever.
Martin Luther King jr.
Job
Nelson Mandela
Mother Teresa
Our Founding Fathers, and so many others that believed and lived adversity.....
And I decide I am in damn good company.We all are in damn good company.
I look around at the caliber of people that are getting up and doing what I am doing everyday, all that is hard and lonely and desperate...and I am blown away with the brothers and sisters in this new tribe, people that support and challenge me everyday. Regardless of religion, I see a infinite amount of will and love, acceptance and GOD inside of them.

And once again I can find hope.
And then I find God, and I grow stronger in my faith and hope in infinite love, for that if anything is something I can believe in.