Friday, January 25, 2013

Where the Hell is GOD in all of this?

Six years ago we were waiting on two beautiful Haitian babies. We were young, in our mid twenties, had a five year old, three year old and one year old...all that we needed for our lives to feel "complete" were these two, darling brown eyed babies to help make our family, after all, God had led them to us.

While we waited, while the days and weeks, months and holidays without them in my arms passed...I comforted myself with the promises of them being in Gods hands, when they came home being it his will. When little Gibson died of diarrhea and dehydration, being buried, with out the tear soaked kisses of me getting to say good bye, with out me having the closure of watching his little body being put in the ground....I often handed that pain, that loss, to he that loved him first, and loved him more, his creator.

Choosing action instead of bitterness, I began working with and for my children's Orphanage, referring children, traveling for updates, parent trips, adoption process work....we then found, and adopted four more beautiful children....
As part of my job and new responsibilities, part was hand choosing with prompting and prayer the children for particular adopting families. I lovingly wrote updates and sent pictures to families that years later would disrupt, in pain, and sadness after months or years of their children's trauma taking too far a toll on their “before Haiti”, “before adoption”, “before trauma” families. How my heart understands and breaks and wants to know why.
I too have walked this path, of loss, pain , and letting go when no other option are left.

Even in the throws and pain of the Earth Quake, the losses and trauma, the fear and things felt seen and experienced that changed us all, God was there, his promises, miracles and surrounding angels guided, lifted up and were felt, seen and one of the most sacred religious experiences of my life. To deny that would be denying myself.

And now, three years later, like many families,after the miracles, after the beautiful ceremonies and finalization’s....I am needing him, searching for him...grasping desperately for the way I used to see him, need him, and understand him, and have to figure out for myself as I have changed, how much bigger my relationship and dependence and faith need to be, and how I will exercise it.

I think after you have been in war, after you have lost all you knew to be true, you have to redefine the whats and the whys and the hows. You have to decide HOW you are going to choose to see things, trust and put your faith in...because the ground is still shaking.
And with how hard and scary things are right NOW, the future scares the shit-ous-kies out of you...

I do not want to foresee the future. I am concerned with taking care of the present. God has given me no control over the moment following. “

I have learned I can do that.

There are days I am still angry, I want to know why, why I felt led to my children, led to the pain it has caused my before seemingly normal little, happy family. I want to know why so much pain and trauma that is so contagious is allowed to the very small and helpless, and why it can be passed through sharing and inflicting abuse, changing all of us, changing me, how I felt about the world, being a mother, God.
How can all of this pain been his plan?
Does he KNOW how alone and scared and shamed and desperate this is?
How angry I am that first my beautiful adopted children were damaged so badly, and how it was O.K. to bring that damage and pain into the four walls of my home, and worse, inside the chambers of hamburger meat that used to be my heart?

What it feels like to be abandoned by other believers?

of course he does.......

And then I think of the other believers, ones whom did not have it easy either, ever.
Martin Luther King jr.

Nelson Mandela
Mother Teresa
Our Founding Fathers, and so many others that believed and lived adversity.....
And I decide I am in damn good company.We all are in damn good company.
I look around at the caliber of people that are getting up and doing what I am doing everyday, all that is hard and lonely and desperate...and I am blown away with the brothers and sisters in this new tribe, people that support and challenge me everyday. Regardless of religion, I see a infinite amount of will and love, acceptance and GOD inside of them.

And once again I can find hope.
And then I find God, and I grow stronger in my faith and hope in infinite love, for that if anything is something I can believe in.


  1. Powerful!

    Thank you for your transparency.

    I am part of your "tribe"

    5 years ago, I was a busy homeschooling mother of 10 children. We had so much love to share, that we opened our home to 3 older siblings from Ghana. We had absolutely no idea how that decision would rip our family apart.

    A year after bringing the siblings home, we discovered that the older brother had been molesting the youngest sister for many years. We could not protect our 5 younger children. We disrupted the adoption.

    We lost nearly all of our friends.
    We lost our church.
    We were judged and condemned for "giving up" our son.

    A year later, we nearly lost our marriage of 28 years.
    Then we lost our relationships with several of our young adult children.
    My husband lost his job.

    Our youngest daughter's rages only escalated as she got older and bigger. It finally got to the point that I could not physically restrain her, to protect myself and the other children.

    This past summer, we moved our youngest daughter to a residential care facility.

    5 years ago . . . we were a happy, healthy extra large family. We had a good marriage, a strong and loving family, good jobs, lots of friends. Life was good.

    Now . . . we have lost nearly everything. Devastation brought on my our choice to adopt these children . . . a decision that we truly felt we were led by the Lord to do.

    It is HARD. Unbelievably HARD.

    1. My heart goes out to you, but somehow it is comforting to know there is someone else.... I am pretty resilient, but sometimes I cannot believe how things have ended up.

  2. You write of where I have been. I lost a marriage (a husband who could not handle the "flames") and family in the way that I knew it. A church family that rejoiced and helped in our adoption eventually turned their backs and questioned - had we REALLY done what God had for us or had we stepped out of His will for our lives. Family was "disgusted" (quote) and eventually came to feel that our son was demon possessed. Many days where I had wondered where God had gone and why children and the families who love them must continue to suffer.

    Years later I can look back and see His presence, even in the darkest of days where I could not FEEL His presence - He was there preparing the way for our next need. I don't have all the answers beyond trusting that He had and has a perfect reason and plan.

    May you be blessed dear, sweet mama for sharing that which is so raw and true and for putting one foot in front of the other when the path can feel so hard and treacherous.

  3. "God does not call the prepared, but rather, He prepares the called".....Just read that saying and it is so true! ♥ ♥

  4. Nearly every day I ask myself these questions. Every morning I wake up, and the first thing I see is pieces of something that used to be whole. I am trying to fashion the pieces into something useful and beautiful...but some days I just sit and stare at the mess, and I don't have a clue. I used to sit and stare, and feel very alone. Now I know I am surrounded by, held up by my tribe. I am honored to walk with you dear one.

  5. Oh, how I can relate. Oh, how I've fought to not let trauma take the ONLY thing I had faith. Oh, how many times I've pleaded with our Maker for help in trying to navigate these turbulent waters and to even understand them. Somewhere along the way, I also realized that in the process of being dragged to my knees and pleading with heaven because it was the only place left I could turn, I realized that I was actually I was coming to know Him better.

    In the process I've come to know Him better. I've come to understand the hows and whys of things on a much deeper and personal level...a level that I've also come to realize that most people never get to experience. In a way, I'm sad for them for that. I wouldn't wish my journey on them (or anyone). But, I've also learned it serves a purpose and it a powerful teacher. I've also realized that I have actually come to appreciate it and be grateful for it simply because of what it has taught me and how it has changed me.

    In the process of all the pain, the anger, the loss, the shattering of lives that once were, I've come to understand the gifts of agency and the Atonement in a way I don't think I ever could have otherwise. I've learned to let go, and also to hold on for dear life. I've learned to be more gentle, much less judgmental, and to love more like He does. I've learned what is really expected when we make that promise of "I'll go where you want me to go, I'll say what you want me to say, I'll be what you want me to be." I'm also starting to see the blessings that come with being willing to do that. And for that reason, I also really miss the title of my old blog "Gold to Refine"...because that is exactly what this journey is about.

  6. Oh, the what if's and the why's that I will never have the answers for. I have found I can't look back at our life before and can only hold out the tiny bit of hope we still have left for the future. It is sooooo hard. I felt called to this from the time I was 13 but never imagined it turning out this way. Hugs to you. Thank you for your honesty. You are not alone!

  7. It's hard to understand. It's so very, very hard to live... The thing is, though, that this life isn't all there is. We lived before and we'll live again. Now is only a short part of the process. "All that is wrong will be made right through the power of the Atonement." I believe this because I have to in order to survive. Lost my foster kids, lost my husband, lost my trust, lost my world. Found the only way I can understand it all is through trusting Him more intensely. If I look, I can find ways He is helping me every day. You start to do that when you list your gratitudes. If you expand that to look for ways you have words given to you when you need them, strength when you feel you can't go on, direction when you can't see, solace from your pain. Love you, Lindsay. You are my hero. Keep fighting the good fight.

  8. The greatest pain for me is wondering if, by adopting our sweet Ilya, we did him the greatest disservice. If he had stayed in Russia, would he be alive? Would he be happily learning a trade? Taking care of his grandmother? And I think of the boy we DIDN'T adopt, when we met Ilya. I have never felt more strongly that God was calling me to do something, or doubted it more in retrospect.

  9. The "what if's..." will always haunt those who keep asking them. I am just sorry I couldn't adopt more of the kids' friends and maybe helped them to become useful adults. I am so thankful I have my son as I am sure with his disabilities he would be either dead or in jail by now (and he is only 13) if he was still in Russia. It is only through the grace of God that we found the correct med to help him regulate and be able to conduct himself as a person of worth. Without his meds, he is impossible to handle and doesn't care about anything-a downright awful person to be around! God has guided me through this experience He led me into 8 years ago and He will see me through to eternal life.

  10. Beautiful words. What an inspiring post. You are so much further ahead of me. So committed to this cause. I can't imagine what you overcome every single day just to keep standing. I am stuck in "why did I say yes?" (to the 4th child we adopted) and I can't get past that.

  11. Thank you for sharing your post. Very inspiring. I am startiing my walk with Him again and working that in with homeschool curriculum that teaches about God as well. Boy what a difference in my son and what a forgiving heart he has. He came to us at 5-years-old after having been either neglected or abused. He still forgives his birth mom for those actions she chose to take. I am not saying he does not have his moments, but they are far less severe than a few years ago. No it's like having a normal 12-year-old who complains, but still has a capacity to love so much. Where was God then, in his trauma years? Paving the way to our home and our love for him. Things don't always make sense to us, but they do to Him. Hugs to you and thanks for sharing your post.

  12. I haven't checked in for ages... this was just what I needed today. Last night we had to explain to our little ones(again) why their sister will die before they do... why she is in so much pain. We had to help them (again) to understand that somehow, this will be okay too... or at least, we'll make it through and life will still be worth living and it's okay to smile, laugh, and it's okay to love her... loving her will be worth it, even though you know that pain is coming. Your friend, Diane

  13. It is amazing how God works. We just recently placed our 2nd child into a residential home. As sad as it is, we realize she is not strong enough to let us love her. It is too hard to be close to us. So often I realize God allowed me to adopt and have a bio kid with difficulties because He knew I could handle it. He prepared me for this challenges.

    What I often forget is to let God love me. I push him away as my daughter is pushing me away. It is not intentiona, just scary to be so close to God and to feel His immense Love.

    Hang in there and know that there is someone else here for you on earth if you ever need anything. When you come to the conference, let me know if you need anything. I don't think I will be going this year, but we have lots of empty bedrooms if you need to bring some kiddos with and drop them off!

    Thank you for continuing to inspire me.

  14. Blogging is how you express your feelings, but you know me... Poetry is how I express mine.

    Free falling…
    Without wings or parachute
    Tumbling from my picture perfect perch

    If He notices it all~
    From the sparrow when it falls~
    Will He recognize that I need wings to soar?

    Free falling…
    Faster than a tiny bird can fly

    Will I ever reach the earth?
    Feel the solidness of dirt?
    Feel firm in the relationships of life?

    Free falling…
    Plummeting head long to rocky shore

    Stretching out my arms
    As I vault through stormy skies
    I can’t seem to grasp a thing to slow me down

    I’m falling…
    Free falling…
    Without a safety net to break my fall

    When I finally hit the ground
    Will it end in my demise
    Or will I have to try, and fall, again?

    I’m falling…
    Free falling…
    And I have no place to safely land my head

    I’m so tired of the storm
    Is there shelter from the wind?
    When will my falling flight definitively end?

    I’m falling…
    Free falling…
    And I wonder as I fall,
    Does He hear my heartfelt calls?
    Does He recognize this sparrow when she falls?

    Last year was a hard, hard year...and I continue to hope and pray that this year we will finally see a reprieve of the ugliness that has been our lot for the past three. I have to continue to try and hold onto the good instead of the thorns that try so hard to cloud my view of the roses. May you be able to reach that mountain peak where the view is heavenly soon... Sure love you, Linds.