Monday, January 7, 2013

Army Crawling my way into 2013.

Anyone else feeling this way?

As I listen to all of the “New Year/New Life/New Resolutions”...and I am thinking "Shhhhhuuuutttt upppp, good for freaking you, I am just trying to get through the day, sometimes hour over here."
Apparently I am not so much myself.
I find myself in a funk most DSM manuals would label as Seasonal Depression.
Don't I know it.

This time of year, after the rush of the holidays, with the added drama and trauma of attachment and emotional disorders, I find myself in the running on empty zone. Depleted and running more on auto pilot than I would like to admit.

I love the serenity of winter, the pristine white and the calm I see out side my window.
Yet inside, my little Haitian babies and this Leo is missing the sun, the days where the outdoors is our living room. I miss it fierce. So do they.
And so we all digress.
They act out, pull out the myriad of behaviors I thought we had dropped between 2010/2011, and I cocoon, go into survival mode and allow the stress to begin doing what it does best.

To ward off the blues, the anxiety and insomnia that comes when this hits me, I have to be proactive.
I have to be proactive for myself. I have to be proactive for my babies. I have to have empathy that we are all feeling this way, instead of being irritated and frustrated with behaviors.
Some days I would like to act like the troll I feel like.
Some days I totally do.

And then I take inventory, take responsibility (pout a lot a little, cause sometimes it sucks to be the adult) and I make the changes I need to.

I start making lists.
I start faking it until I make it.
I start making plans to go out with friends.
I shower, and get dressed.
I start exercising, even for just 30 minutes a day.
I stop eating crap, and write down my meals.
I seek art, and dabble in color.
I turn the music up and dance.
I sometimes will go as far as a 10 minute session at a tanning bed, for the warmth.
I start de-cluttering.
I remember to be grateful.
I hug my kids.
I pray.
I meditate.
I paint.
I forgive myself for feeling the way I feel.
I take naps.
I let go of what I can, it will be there when and if I need to pick it back up again.
I write down what is important.
I watch things that make me smile, feel inspired, and happy.
I reach out, even when I don't feel like it.
I let myself try again, even if the day was a total fail.
I start all over again.

Regardless of how much I want to huddle under my covers with M&M's and a good book in the same yoga pants I have been wearing for the last 3 days.
I hop on that elliptical. I open that good book and read it to my children. I push myself, I talk about it, I share why I feel a certain way, and you know what, they share too. Vulnerability can be such a beautiful thing.

Just in case anyone else out there is army crawling there way into are so not alone.
The sun is going to come out.
Until then grab those boot-straps kid, it's gonna be a long winter.
We got this.


  1. Crawling here here too, I must say your solutions are cheaper and less traumatizing to your kids then mine, I just booked a mama and daddy trip for a week in the sun, they are not coming and when they find out all he'll is going to break loose... exercising might of been cheaper to

    1. Back in September I had the opportunity to book a CHEAP flight to Southern CA. I could go any time in the next year. I randomly picked a 5 day trip at the end of January, because I knew I would NEED some SUNSHINE. Oh yea! 5 days of "Mama Time" . . . sprinkled in with a lunch date with a friend, a dinner date with a cousin, and the good possibility of meeting a couple of long time Blog Friends. Oh yea!

      My kids will survive . . . and Mama will come back REFRESHED. Can't wait!

      mama of 12

  2. Hang in there! I cheered when I saw the first bulbs coming up in our neighborhood. Spring (and allergy season, lol) cannot be far off.

  3. Thank you for the reminder. I needed it. I just keep reminding myself that the days are getting longer now. Every day, just a little bit longer. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming... (Cue Dory's fake opera voice...)

    Your list of depression-stoppers is great. I will print it for myself until I summon the energy to make my own. I'll use it to help pull myself out of the water long enough to checkout any new directions I might head. I'll imagine you and your readers beside me doing the same. At least until Spring :-)

  4. I always hate it when people give vitamin advice, but I can't let this pass by. Most Americans are short of vitamin D in the winter. You can get a test to see if you are too, but supplements of Vitamin D3, or high Vitamin D foods like salmon or cod liver oil help. You may also want to consider light therapy. Vitamin D deficiency can cause a lot of problems, including depression and midwinter blues, diabetes, some cancers, etc.

  5. Thanks for sharing this, kind of feel the same way! ~Hugs~ Thanks again... :-)

  6. Army crawl -- you said it!
    Left ... Left ... Left Right Left!!
    And as long as you know your left from your right you are ok.