Thursday, December 27, 2012

Because sometimes I forget

I needed to write myself this reminder.

Dear Lindsay,
Because sometimes you forget:
Sometimes, you know like the days following after Christmas, or a Birthday, or a really, really good day....I find myself looking for my stolen and hidden cell phone. Or you know, removing the toilet for the one hundredth time to remove whatever it could be possibly plugged with.
When I see ANGRY eyes on the search for something, ANYTHING to justify their anger, I forget.

I forget the healing that has come, the less and lesser amount of urinated bedding I am washing, the fewer kitchen appliances I am missing parts to ...because well there are MORE normal days, and it ticks me off when they are interrupted by what “NORMAL” used to look like.

Because sometimes I forget.

When I am in the middle of restraining a child back from hurting a sibling, or themselves over a Netflix movie choice... or holding a childs hair back while they throw up from over eating a holiday plate they intercepted from well meaning neighbors...I FORGET that three years ago....this was my life, everyday, every moment.

I forget the months my Garbage can had to live on my counter top to keep from being raided, having to feed my animals in different rooms from my children, so the food would not be taken and hidden in pockets and underwear to be eaten later.

I forget. Because it is so easy to want everything good, and easy and perfect....and to remember that when we strive for that I am stepping on my own feet and setting my children and myself up for a fantastic FAIL.

Because sometimes I forget, and you forget, and it is O.K that we forget...

Forgetting what things used to be like means something miraculous, forgetting means quietly and slowly, they.are.healing.
It is so very Sssslllloooowwww. We don't catch it. But there you have it.
So what does that mean ?
It means it is O.K. that after a holiday of special and magical they HAVE to anty up those feelings of unworthiness, those feelings of “too much good” and neutralize them with speaking behaviors.

This is not going backwards, this does not mean we are back somewhere we don't want to be...this means our kids are STILL telling us things and need behaviors sometimes to speak for them...

Because sometimes we forget....
Because sometimes the healing is quiet and slow, but it is STILL there.

Hang in there, be gentle with you, be gentle with them...give it a week or two...

Love you,


  1. Oh, heavens, yes! How could anyone maintain the expression of disgust and anger that one of my darlings has had on her face all day? And, why, suddenly a refusal to take meds? Meltdown? I should have expected it BEFORE I thought to myself how "well" the holiday was going.

  2. was just thinking of this at the therapist this morning with my girl... that yesterday wasn't so pretty... but that it has been much worse in the past... much worse and we are making progress.

  3. Thank you Lindsay!!! I sooooo needed this reminder! <3

  4. I just love this so very much. And you of course.

  5. We do forget, and it SO feels like we could not go back THERE. Our DD bounces back and forth and it is so hard to remain patient when she regresses. Just today, I felt I could not keep dealing with this! Thanks for reminding me I can.

  6. "after a holiday of special and magical they have to anty up those feelings of unworthiness." oh yes. I did forget that and boy did they help me to remember in spades.