Screaming into the Wind…..

Sometimes things suck rocks. Most the time things SUCK ROCKS…

I hear it all the time….”How do you do it, or “I don’t know HOW you do it”…these comments are referring to my family, my life, my children…often by people that don’t know the HALF of it. And then there are the people that DO KNOW the half of it…and they ask that too, but secretly they know the answer….”I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA HOW I DO THIS….I JUST DO.”  

and there you have it.

Christine every Monday has been doing a beautiful job using her Mondays talking/writing  about the 12 things Happy people have in common. Even though I LOVE to bust her chops…cause I love her so dern much…I also LOVE that she is doing this….
I have a deep everlasting BELIEF that though we sometimes have very little say in our circumstances , we have a very REAL choice in how we react, and what our attitudes can be in that process.

  Some-days I choose to be happy my jaw aches from the clenching and bearing, some days the weight and the fear,the pure exhaustion of the daily mountain of shame, grief and sorrow, kick my tush into the back of my walk-in- closet for a good cry. Then I CHOOSE to walk out of that closet, wipe my nose, and take that mountain step by every loving step.

Today was therapy day today. It is a day where I am sure my kids therapist feels like some BIG things were accomplished, and after her hour of time and energy is put in…my kids are released back to me. Big Feelings in tow and raw nerve endings hanging right out in the open….I can’t tell you how many-a-melt down we have had right in the parking lot at that darn/blessed office.

Today my little Scoobs had a moment. He has type 1 diabetes, and he had been given candy by the secretary at the office, whom forgets every blinking time, he is diabetic. I prompted him to check his blood sugar, he lied and said he did…and then took off like a bottle rocket, chugging down the candy as fast as he could, out the office door. FABULOUS…

I chased after him, and he buckled into a tight ball refusing to relinquish the candy. On the side walk. In public. Screeching like a banshee/abused child. I LOVE my life, sigh.
I just sat down by him, right down on the side walk and started singing the fist song that came to my mind…”The Candy man song” from Willy Wonka…and I sing poorly.

I was belting that bad boy, while my son/incredible slinky gagged down his pez as fast as he could, while whole families, mothers with children, passed by us on their way into the office…I smiled and just waved them by….
Laughing to myself thinking….I am sure they were thinking “well at least we are not THAT messed up.”….See, I do spread JOY wherever I go.

After the candy was fully consumed, we went through his pockets and found some extra cool tidbits…he sobbed, I hugged….we got in the car….and a block before we got home..I asked who wanted to race?...the boys got out and raced my stop, start vehicle. All the way home.

We got home, got kids down for naps, and revved up for more drama, and anger.
I needed self care, so I proscribed pouting and anger in my rocking chair in my bedroom…so I could rest my achy head cold ridden body on my glorious bed.

He was allowed to tell me how much he hated me, glare, pout and be mad, as LONG as he needed to in that chair.
Twenty minutes into it, I peeked at my little miserable Tiger, and asked if he needed to snuggle. He nodded. For the first time, ever. My Son took a nap with me, inside my arms. I wept , and snuggled and dozed….my heart thumping happily right next to his sweet smelling head. It took us eight very LONG years to get here. For us BOTH to want this.

This joy would not be so sweet, if the hard hadn’t been so DAMN HARD.

I was thinking about what keeps the positive, positive when everything is so CRAP filled.

My answer is God. If you are not religious, it might simply need to be HOPE, since for me, GOD and HOPE are synonymous.

I have to find HOPE every single day. I HAVE to seek it out…chase it, or let it come to me.

Much like the wind on your face, you can’t see it, but you can feel it.

Much like the wind, you can SCREAM into it…and it stays there, still gently blowing and letting you know it is still there, sometimes it is not so gently reminding you it is STILL there…even if you YELL, SCREAM…or just simply stand there and wait for the reminder, it will come.

Sometimes I scream into the wind, because I so desperately need to feel it on my face.