Wednesday, June 13, 2012

"It's O.K. to say you hate her...."

"It's even O.K. if you mean that right now with all of your fact shout it, shout that you hate her, and you are mad, tell me how you are feeling, and no for goodness sakes, you do NOT have to be nice about it."

and Bugs and Peanut butter stood there, sad faces about to break into wicked grins....thinking "is Mom for real?"

and I am.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in theraputic crap...I have to wear the Big Girl panties...I forget that my other healthier kids are NOT required to do so. Yes, I coach them on how not to allow their said brothers and sisters to get a rise out of them...or said children would be pummeled regularly. But, they much like their traumatized siblings are victims also to the crazy. They witness it too. They hear the tantrums, see an exhausted Mommy miss out on fun while calmly (O.K. grumpy and resenting this $#!*  half the time) help a dis-regulated child get regulated.
They too wait in the car, until it is safe to drive again, they too miss out on things occasionally when brother or sisters are not capable of coping with a situation.

It sucks. worse, is when I see them swallow that bitter pill because they are "expected" to be "the good kid"...and put up with the Bull-honkey.


Yes, I reward, I 'try' to make up, or do do-overs when things and opportunities have been damaged for them ....but some of this stuff can NOT be replaced. Nor can what they are learning, which I am proud of, the empathy , less judgement and patience all of my children are learning are lessons heavily paid, but ones I am grateful for. Still I really pisses the ever-livin'-shkagouskeys out of me when I see them being affected by my other childrens illness and disorders. And my goodness they are ALLOWED to have feelings about it!!!

Heck I know I do! (every blink'n second of every freaking day)


What I want you to know, blog-reader-good-budy-O'-mine...I't's O.K.

It's O.K. whether it is YOU, your other kids, your spouse, life partner, the friend, or family member that is missing spending time with you...IT IS O.K. to feel angry/pissed/lonely/short-sticked... IT IS EVEN O.K. for just a little moment to HATE how HARD and SUCKY being around a mentally sick person is.

Then when you are ready, bring the kindness back in.
Even if the kindness is, feeding them, taking care of basic needs, providing a safe place, food to eat, not allowing them to be harmed or cause harm. As my incredible friend Laura once reminded me, THAT is loving them too.That is loving them in ways no one else did, could or would....and THAT means YOU are a rock star, your kids and spouse are ROCK STARS....andy one willing to "do life" with you...that's it, ROCK STARS.

Sooo just so you know....

and when you, or 'they' need too...
"It's O.K. to say you hate her....""It's even O.K. if you mean that right now with all of your fact shout it, shout that you hate her, and you are mad, tell me how you are feeling, and no for goodness sakes, you do NOT have to be nice about it."

and then you know, when you are ready, get back on that horse little darlin'.


  1. I saw a woman wearing a t-shirt that said...
    "I'll be thin in my next life, PASS THE COOKIES!"

    I chuckled and thought of all my amazing "Therapeutic Panty" wearing mom friends who are currently parenting mentally ill children.

    I fantasized about "I'll be therapeutic in my next life..." T-shirts and smiled widely thinking of all the various things we therapeutic parents could write for our t-shirt's next line.

    -Ten Beautiful Years

  2. Amen isn't enough. It just isn't. Could have written this today myself. But you did it so much better. Love you!

  3. I needed this today. So much of the same here. Just today was feeling so bad about something one of my healthier kids missed out on because of the behavior of one of my RAD kids. And I was pissed about it. And I just didn't want to make him deal with it anymore. And I vented it to my husband who reminded me of all the good things about living through this...all the compassion our healthier kids are hopefully learning, all the skills in working things out and making things right and doing repairs over and over and over again. But I was still pissed. And it was ME, ME who wanted to scream "I hate you" right then. The only therapeutic parenting I could muster was not to say it. 6 hours later, still letting it get the better of me in some ways, and I sit down and read this. And that is all. You rock.

  4. I discovered your blog by accident a few months back. It was posted on Pinterest for the picture of your family with the numbered shirts. After reading one post...I was hooked. I am the mom of two special needs girls and a student to be a Special Education teacher...which brings me to my question. What are the best resources to learn about RAD? I am doing my research paper on the effects of a child not having their emotional needs met and what can happen if they never form bonds in infancy and early childhood. Any thing you can think of to help would be wonderful!

  5. Thanks always know what to say to make me feel "ok" with myself and how I feel. Love and miss you.

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