To Whom it may concern,

Dear Neighbor,Aunt, Uncle or even Grandparent, well meaning friend, or church congregation member.
Dear Check out lady, School Parent,Therapist, or regular Joe or Jane off the street,

If we have met, or haven't. If you feel you know me, or knew me, or just first glimpsed me for the first time today, you do not know this burden I am carrying. You can not begin to understand or see the weight of what is my life and responsibility you can not feel that which is the weight of everything that I do, say, speak and breathe.  And that is not your fault, because silly me, I don't trust you to handle it, understand it or accept truly the reality in which we balance everything on.

You see my child has Reactive Attachment Disorder. You can google it. You can read books about it,there are even fabulous you tube video's out there that will scare the crap out of you if you have the time...however, if you don't live with it, if your everyday in not affected by the amount of energy it simply takes to get through a day, then please I ask one thing. The benefit of doubt.

Let me give you an example:
Today a family might have gardened together,  worked hard in their yard, with everyone collaborating and working together. Sure there were squabbles that were dealt with therapeutically, granted these squabbles probably to the outside world would seem "normal", had they not happened nine thousand times....but were redirected and got though the day successfully, with the reward for going out for Ice Cream.

Tonight , after Dinner, baths, pajamas's, might be loaded with the crew of children going out for small courtesy cones, through a drive through.
One very bright child might make sure they were front and center in the back seat , therefore the one that would be asked to hand out the cones. Noting that the mother would be sure to assign the cones by name as she passed them back to be handed out.
Said child might not like that, specifically now they did not get to control of whom got which cone. As they noted the cone they considered the biggest be handed to someone else (they ALL were the same size) a freak out and shut down occurred....
A well adjusted child you may say , might get weepy, or perturbed, or pout, they might even  be "difficult:", a child with a trauma background however, might unbuckle their seat belt, start wailing at the top of their lungs, lose their Ice Cream due to unsafe practices, try to bite and claw their Mother while car is in transit, have the car pulled over, and walk 8 blocks screaming , while mother follows close by, and Father and other children quietly wait in the car for the storm to calm.

As the mother calmly steers the child out of traffic, and off peoples lawns, well meaning adults will show concern for the child. Wondering what on earth that parent might have done...and they collect across the street and watch as the child hits, spits, screams, wails and is eventually gently held, to be kept from hurting the mother. This may take 45 minutes, in a random neighborhood , while you, a well meaning citizen watches.

If you were watching long enough, you would watch the mother calmly saying gentle soothing words, you would observe the mother mimicking deep breaths and possibly even tapping on the child's forehead and hands. You will see the same woman who minutes before was being kicked, bitten, and spit on embracing and calming the very child whom you thought she was abusing. 
The VERY child you thought she was abusing.

Dear Neighbor,Aunt, Uncle or even Grandparent, well meaning friend, or church congregation member.
Dear Check out lady, School Parent,Therapist, or regular Joe or Jane off the street,

This child, this very one is the one you think is so very adorable and charming.
This very child is the one that the mother is concerned for and tries to warn you, keep boundaries for that seem way to harsh. This child, is broken.  Though you don't see it, because you only get to see those very small parts of them they trust you with, I as their mother, or primary caregiver am privy to ALL of it.

When you see me, I may seem worn out, over conscious, a "helicopter parent", but understand, this is not who I want to be. This is who and what I must be, so that I can keep my child safe. Because lurking any moment, second to second could be something to trigger my child, and as much as I wish I could depend on you, or someone else for help, my child first needs to learn how to trust,depend and allow me to help them, or they never will be able to trust anyone. Or they never will be able to trust anyone.

Today may be a small example of what my days are filled with, a very fine dance between regulation and dis-regulation. It takes very little things for some children to be thrown off for days. As my children heal, it takes deeper things to set them off, the rages and tantrums may last less amounts of time. I may see days strung in a row of "good days", but, just like anything that needs to be healed, time is the most crucial of factors, time, patience and understanding of the obstacles at hand.

Please trust me, if you want to help, ask to help me, not my child, my child does not need you, they need me, me at my healthiest, me on my game, me not worn out. If you can help me with that, offering meals, driving other children to activities.If you come upon me in a parking lot holding a screaming child, offer to help buckle other children in a car-seat, or if there is anyone you could call for help. Please trust me, please don't judge me, gossip about me, or try to give me advice. I am dedicated to helping my child heal. Everyday I sacrifice something, a piece of myself to this child in hope of their healing, because I have hope, that someday I might just reach them. There is no perfect formula, no drug , no time span that will predict when and if they will ever be your definition of "O.K." or "normal". But I am not giving up, not today, and not tomorrow....I am hoping not ever, but again I am taking it day by day.

Please if anything, just by reading my letter, know I am doing the best I can. The way I am loving and parenting my child you may not understand, and that is O.K., I pray you will never know the heart ache and the necessity by which I do 99% of the things that I do.
Please have patience with me and my child. Pray for us, send us loving thoughts, most of all give me the benefit of doubt, I am doing very difficult things with so very much love.

Sincerely,
That crazy barefoot lady you watched walk 9 blocks with the screaming Haitian child in Tinkerbell pajamas