As relationships go, it’s a given. If you are capable of loving, and building a relationship with someone, there is vulnerability to be hurt as well.
As parents of hurt kids, we all are deeply aware of this. The fine line we walk,
the dance we do, to gently help our kids take down their walls, and heal, while
building a relationship.
But what about our walls?
What about when they hurt us?
Just like our children, we try to develop these thick skins so their words, and
actions and pure rejection of us, do not break us….but sometimes (a lot of
times) they are successful.
and then we feel like we failed.
But, did we?
The theory that really we all operate out of two feelings, FEAR and LOVE speaks
true to me. When my kids hurt me, emotionally or even physically, my deepest
fear is “they will NEVER get better.”
When my kids steal or break or throw away things that have value, and
importance to me, my emotions kick out “They don’t love me and are trying to
and I do get mad/sad/hurt/rejected/pissed/livid/devastated/. I do.
I just returned from a weekend get away.
Much is happening that beyond breaks my heart with Papillion and the life
choices she continues to make for herself, as I stand ready and available to
love her despite all of it.
As I return I am met with a clean bathroom, and all of my jewelry messed with.
Out of each matching pair of earrings, one has gone missing, many I have had
for years, heirlooms, thrift store gems, my grandmothers costume jewelry, items
bought in moments for remembrance. Gone. All of my rings, including my wedding
ring, have gone missing as well.
I went to find the child responsible. As I told her my feelings and sadness…she
shared that I was hurting HER feelings. In that moment I was selfish, and let
her know, “NO, child, in this moment these feelings are mine, in this moment, I
am worthy in my anger and sadness and disappointment, I GET TO
BE MAD, I GET TO BE HURT, you get to see the result of this, and
know, I will still love you, I will still keep you, but NO, right this moment
is not about your feelings.”
Afterward, I questioned myself, as she raged and slammed doors, I wondered how
I could have dealt with that better, more therapeutically…and then I
Sometimes this human stuff, where we get to show our hurt, our vulnerability,
the reality of the consequences of what they do, in a non violent, safe way, is
This too is modeling safe ways to show hurt, and disappointment. This too is
And as I stared at the ceiling after numbly lying on my bed and letting the
tears leak out, I allowed myself to feel the loss, and sadness and hurt….