Monday, April 6, 2015

Dear Church, do you want to know why those of us that have adopted the fatherless....


Aren't “there” Sunday morning?
Aren't as easy to ask to participate in service?
Aren't as open to people in our home, community activities and it seems our beliefs, our demeanor or just “we” have changed.
Yes. Yes, we have.
Those of us that have brought a hurting and healing child into our homes, are working on constantly healing things most people can't even begin to understand that have been broken, or teaching and adding things that were never even there in a neglected, or abused child...and then healing the new broken in our own homes, and then in ourselves.

You see. We can't be the same.
We may have been called, felt an inkling, had an ENORMOUS boulder placed in our path saying “ADOPT”....we may have taken in family members, experienced infertility, all these things, choices, good and right and in biblical terms “Godly choices”.

We also have had dreams and expectations, with no real idea of the sacrifices that would be made, the losses we would experience, the judgment we would face in the name of loving or helping a child.
We also had very little real understanding of the weight it would put on our marriages, other children, and friendships, as well as our relationship with God.

What you may not understand is simply by living the lives that we do, we feel like strangers to our community now, heck until we find ourselves again, or recreate ourselves,our old selves are strangers to our new stronger, wiser, more eyes wide opened selves. We are struggling to re define, everything.
And I mean EVERYTHING.

I remember the out pouring of prayers and support when we were waiting, to be chosen by a birth mother, parental rights to be terminated or for our children to come home. When my pain and hope was palpable as I walked down those church hallways, the way I threw myself into callings and service,hoping my efforts would somehow bring miracles faster....and when they came home, the balloons and dinners, and pats on the back of “Aren't you so grateful? God is SO Good!”

and I would nod. Because of course I am grateful, how could I not be? And yes, he is good...but could ya ask him...that maybe they would scream for only 23 hours a day instead of 24?

I couldn't tell all of these shiny eyed so happy for me members...that “OH MY HELL, THEY ARE PEEING ON EVERYTHING, 5 x a day a toilet is plugged on purpose, I am flipped off and called a whore by my four year old, The adorable 18 month old that makes you “want one too” has required me to get stitches 4 times.” Yes. I.am.so.grateful.

I remember sitting watching my 8 babes under 8, singing in their first church program.
Standing in the back, making sure every cherub could see their proud supportive mama's face, and looking down, and realizing, in the right light, my white linen dress had massive urine spots where one of the 8 cherub choir had obviously emptied their bladders, on my new dress, as a gift of their tangible hate, shame and anger towards me.
As hot tears dripped off of my chin, I remember a member kindly coming over , putting her arm around my shoulders and saying, “I can't imagine how many times you have dreamed about a moment like this.” and I JUST nodded...and instead of screaming “NO, not exactly, because one of those adorable little A-holes pissed all over my Easter dress, thank you very much.” I just continued to nod, and cry.

Why do you LOOK different? Have gotten a tattoo, eat different, moved, become a total hippie, home-school now, NOT home-school now, seem MORE alternative, seem to accept more things...ect.

Because, what this life has taught me is in the constant throughs of HARD, you have to hunt down joy like a man, thirsting for water in a desert. YOU.ARE.DESPERATE.FOR. JOY. Desperate for balance, peace, and HOPE.
You DO what is best for YOU, for THEM. and if that is MORE family time, you do that..if it is MORE structure in a school environment, you do that. If it was standing on our heads and painting ourselves purple would help we would do THAT.
If twinkies/gluten/dairy/red food dye are making them MORE crazy, you take that &*@% AWAY!
You don’t have time for judgment.
Time to worry that someone's daughter who wore an immodest dress to PROM, you are just hoping your teenager isn't sending topless pictures to the bishops son. Your focus becomes more on, NOT shaming people for their choices,but hoping that girl felt BEAUTIFUL in what she was wearing, and doesn’t hear any of the whispers. Life becomes TOO short, the church mouse drama, and gossip, SOO not a priority....and lets be honest...how much of it is now about us anyways?

Our ability to take our kids to activities on a regular basis changes. Too remember ALL of the THINGS, my scout didn't have his scarf? DUDE, he pants on...I am fist bumping myself right now.

HOW do I have someone understand? I AM so sorry, because I also have special needs kids at home, my one child that needs CONSTANT line of sight supervision (yes the charming one) can't be there, and my child that CAN attend, needs a ride home, because as unbelievable as it may sound, I can not drive in my car with one of my children to pick him up, without them trying to jump out of a moving car, or beating up everyone, including me, while I drive. It's O.K. If you sigh and roll your eyes every time I text or call and beg for a ride for him, every.single.week. but if you could JUST help me, I would be so grateful.
I need those prayers now.
I need those times you believed in what I was doing for my children before they came to me, to be JUST as strong now they are here.
I need you to understand, I am WAY more financially broke trying to help these kids heal, with constant therapies and tools, and simply fixing all of the things they break...than I ever was trying to raise money to adopt them.

I am more accepting of other people and lifestyles, because, everyday I have to accept and love someone that rejects me, seeks to hurt me, lies to me, steals from me...and creates barriers between me and others on purpose. I have to hug a child that on purpose threw my wedding ring away in the garbage, I say sweet dreams and tickle a kid who tried to light my house on fire, I pray for a child that broke my very bones...I NOW know how to LOVE PEOPLE and accept them AS IS, in all of their exactness and worthiness to be loved and accepted. That is a hard earned beautiful gift my children have given me.

I don't fit in anymore.
I DO want fellowship, badly, but please without that enormous pill of “We SURE have noticed you guys haven't been attending as regularly” THANKS, but no, I hand capsule my own guilt these days...and don't need any shame pills from you, or the “means well” congregation.
I need friends, people that say, “so good to see you, how are you all hanging in there?”

We need people to BELIEVE US, not lessen our concern, or boundaries for our kids, the MORE support and understanding you can provide, the MORE you are going to see us sitting in those benches.

Know that in the name of sheltering and loving and bringing into our homes a hurting and healing child, as the Bible councils us all to do, we also have lost and sacrificed much to do so.
This for us is our “calling” our life long work, and no, most the time it doesn’t get easier , or better, it just changes, the needs becoming sometimes less complex, often MORE. If you don't want us to give up on the church...don't give up on us.

This is such a lonely, loving, long suffering journey...how we would love a community surrounding us, and if not...we still have to walk this path,with, or without you.




57 comments:

  1. amen. AMEN. Not to mention that your family needs your emotional energy and if the very thing that is intended to uplift us because of culture, doctrine we question, policies we find hurtful take up the emotional energy instead of filling us, it becomes necessary to say "This, this is making it harder for me to feel love, and it shouldn't but it is. I can't give my mental resources to dealing with the disconnect. Because I have to give the last shreds of my giving-a-shit to my husband and kids."

    love your words and your heart.

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    1. Your last 2 sentences, "I can't give my mental resources to dealing with the disconnect. Because I have to give the last shreds of my giving-a-shit to my husband and kids"
      SO TRUE!!!!!

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    2. " it becomes necessary to say "This, this is making it harder for me to feel love, and it shouldn't but it is. I can't give my mental resources to dealing with the disconnect. Because I have to give the last shreds of my giving-a-shit to my husband and kids.""

      Amen.

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    3. trying to figure out how to let you know that this is the most authentic and moving statement I have read to the church from adoptive or guardian parents. Thank you.

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  2. I love you AND your words Lindsay!

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  3. Relate SO MUCH!!! And it is heartbreaking...

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  4. It's a lot to ask of our friends to withhold judgment and extend mercy beyond their understanding, but it's a heartfelt need. Thanks for bearing your soul.

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  5. Thank you for writing that. I think that the two of us are in the exact same boat.

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  6. Thank you for writing this. You have said it so well. May I share it on my blog?

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  7. On Easter Sunday, we attempted church. But when we got there, because it was more crowded we could not sit in our very back row that we normally do and we endured once again those crony faces that gave us the look, "this is our spot, put your kids in their class". So we had to sit two rows from the front. My husband took out our one son first, not long into the start and I miraculously made it almost to the end with our second but had to take him out because he has just discovered that his penis feels good when he touches it a lot. Oy! AT least he didn't have a rage...

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  8. This is my life. I'm a pastors wife and I have been to church once in the last 3 months and it was hell.

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  9. Yes! Four years in and we made it to church on Easter. After the service, we went home. My husband (who had taken care of the kids all day on Saturday) promptly fell asleep. I made macaroni and cheese for the children. After lunch, I sent them outside to play. My husband later said, "I felt like we were supposed to be doing something else- together as a family- but I don't think I was capable. We're exhausted. Hosting is no longer an option. Going to another family's house is no longer an option (not that we'd be invited, anyway). Right now, we're just thankful one of us napping and the children playing outside was FINALLY an option. I just wish more people knew why, but I'm too tired to attempt to explain.

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    1. I so understand you. just being a family and surviving is the only option.

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  10. And you know, it's funny in a way, how abrupt the changes have been to what I care about, and what I don't. Typically, a dramatic change in view would evolve over time with lots of speculation, weighing points, etc.
    I've been far too exhausted to give a shit anymore. If my eyes reach a young girl in a revealing prom dress, AND my brain registers it, instead of thinking "ACK Hootchie HO", I'm thinking how valuable it is that she has the confidence to wear the dress. Just feeling good because just feeling good is something so simple but so far out of the reach of one of my daughters. And it's like all these things happened over night. Stuff I used to get all whipped up about? Poof.

    Love the post Lindsay!

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  11. I could have written this two years ago! Excellent transparent authentic post!! <3

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  12. Sometimes it helps to pray this along with Moses: Numbers 11:10-15.

    '10 Moses heard the people of every family wailing at the entrance to their tents. The Lord became exceedingly angry, and Moses was troubled. 11 He asked the Lord, “Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? 12 Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant, to the land you promised on oath to their ancestors? 13 Where can I get meat for all these people? They keep wailing to me, ‘Give us meat to eat!’ 14 I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me. 15 If this is how you are going to treat me, please go ahead and kill me—if I have found favor in your eyes—and do not let me face my own ruin.”'
    Fortunately, God didn't answer this prayer and kill Moses - or me. But it helps remind me to cast the burden of these kids back on the Lord. He carries the weight of it much better than I do. I crumble under the weight.

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  13. Alternately weeping and feeling anger swell in me as I read this. Yes. Yes. This is what people need to hear. Thank-you.

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  14. So true....but being in ministry, I have also realized that right out there in the land of "normal" biological children, there seems to be a really frightening plague of mental health issues going on. Two girls in my RE classes hadn't been attending for a couple of years. Turns out one was hospitalized for depression and anxiety - the other has just been diagnosed as anorexic. Another child in our Confirmation program finally had to sobbingly explain to me that no matter how hard she tries, she can't make herself come to Youth Group because that many kids scares her so badly. My own adopted daughter won't have anything to do with church....cannot get her anywhere near the place. I am beginning to realize that - whereas I think of the Church as a place where all are accepted, SHE sees it as a place focused on right and wrong, and judging behavior (and she knows hers is clearly going to be found sub-standard.) Yes - and as far as MY point of view changing.....here I am Director of Religious Education, and I'm not even trying to make her go to church. Or school. Just trying to keep her from going out at night, or slashing her arms, or calling random people and threatening suicide, etc.

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  15. It gets better. It does. I raised 8 adopted, one bio, and your words could have been mine on many days. My youngest (also from Haiti) is 18 now and will be graduating next year. Yes, the issues do go on into adulthood with some of them, but you learn to let them own their issues when they head out into the world. You have to.
    Hang in there. Someday you will sleep through the night again. Someday your belongings will survive without damage. Someday you will walk into your home and not smell urine. Someday you will go to the store and make it home without a tantrum. It does get better. Hold on to God, each other and those who do understand, even when it feels like you're coming apart.
    (((Hugs))) from North Dakota. God bless.

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  16. I can remember these feelings.... Now that I've grown through it, i think the best thing I've learned is that our church family is our #1 resource, our best support & a huge help to each of us as individuals and as a family. At first I didn't want to admit my struggles or exhaustion, probably my pride and my expectations, sometimes embarrassment that I didn't seem to have it all together.... But once I matured through those things & realized the help, support, prayer and encouragement that I got from my church/family/friends, I realized how important it was to stay connected to all of them, to share time together and to do life together, for better or worse....sharing our good moments and not so good moments. It's so much easier to smile and say "I was having a great day, but i just got peed on", and laugh about it together (sometimes let them take the kids while you go get cleaned up) than it is to bottle it inside. And for our kids, having that church and community support, and being connected with others, has been a huge blessing as well. It hurts my heart to see someone struggle through this. I know it's tough. Don't give up. I've realized one thing... I have had a tendency to hold it in and feel judged or fear judgement, when I was actually surrounded by wonderful people who were willing and able to support and help and encourage us. (there are always those bad apples, but they don't really spoil the whole bunch) :)

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    1. First you have to find a Church family that understands, that gives spiritual encouragement and emotional support, rather than judging you as obviously inadequate if you express any frustration.

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    2. First you have to find a church family that understands and that offers spiritual encouragement and emotional support, rather than judging you as obviously inadequate if you express any frustration at all with the situation or can't make it to services all the time.

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  17. This is so true... we've been adoptive parents for almost 9 years, and there have been at least 5 years in there when church just wasn't (and still sometimes isn't) doable for us. We have a community of friends (many Christian) who support us on and off (when they think of it), but mostly it is just a very lonely road.
    I do get very desperate for joy. I used to laugh a lot, now all of it seems like a NOT funny joke not even warranting a smile. Just when you feel one problem is taken care of, another one pops up, bigger and scarier.

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  18. My husband and I were gone for 8 days celebrating our 30th anniversary. Our son adopted at 9 now 14 did not have a huge meltdown when we got back. Praise God!

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  19. Lindsey, This is a great read. I am also an adoptive Mom to 16 kids soon to be 18. I would like to share this post on my blog.
    http://extremeadoption.blogspot.com/2015/04/tip-to-quickly-change-behaviors-in-your.html?spref=fb
    Can you please message me? prooks@windstream.net

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  20. I appreciate your honesty and transparency so much. High five, mama!

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  21. We as adoptive and foster parents stand in the gap through prayer and support.

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  22. Yes. Every word of it. Thanks for speaking the truth. Adoptive mama here clinging to joy even if I have to hunt it down and lock it in a straight jacket. Also raising a line of sight kid. Www.monkeypajamas.net

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  23. Have two adopted and 3 bio-unless you are walking adoption/fostering journey, there is a gap in understanding the challenges. There is great blessings, don't get me wrong, but HUGE obstacles in many cases. I cling to joyful moments. It has gotten better. My oldest adopted child hasn't had a real hiccup in this process. We adopted when she was a teen and have had her in our family for almost three years. Really smooth transition. I always waited for the other shoe to drop but I don't think it will. The little one, whom we have had since he was two days old, we have fought for, battled with and really struggled in some areas. Although you would think being with us since he was newborn, he would have less issues, it is the opposite. His obstacles come from prenatal care and alcohol/drugs. None of which I can fix. But we fight for him anyway. This is not for the weak hearted. I was so naive when I was "called" to adopt a baby eleven years ago. I watched, in awe, as some of my friends came home with these beautiful babies and thought, "Oh, such a blessing." I wouldn't trade my boy for all the "perfect" kids out there. But I have a healthy respect for adoption and fostering and I wish others knew the battles we fight. Some are worse than others. I am eating a lot of my naive words from years ago. Church, reach out to adoptive and fostering families. Please.

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  24. EVERY SINGLE WORD. Signed, weary and worn Momma to six beautiful blessings, 2 by birth and 4 by adoption and 5 with special needs

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  25. Thank you for your honesty and words of realness! You gave words to the emotions that all to often get bottled up.

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  26. I've now written two glowing, poignient, moving and deeply touching comments which keep getting lost somehow. So - short and sweet: yes! Thank you. This. Is. How. It. Is. For. Us.
    Hugs and high fives for us all.

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  27. I groaned. I sobbed. I snort-laughed. It's all true, and you are not alone. Thanks for baring your soul and reminding me I'm not alone either. This has been my life for nearly 30 years. It does get easier. But the deep dread is still there -- that one day, the phone or the doorbell will ring, and I'll be told she's dead, or she's killed someone, or something else horrific. Altho' you are right -- no one who hasn't done this can possibly understand all the moment-by-moment ramifications of the decision to adopt -- I have been mind-bogglingly blessed with a group of friends who have accepted and loved us unconditionally despite our crazy family. Eternally grateful for these precious people. This is me, telling you, you're doing great and you're amazing. And God knows exactly where that dang wedding ring is, and I suspect He's fashioning many more stunning jewels to lavish on you on That Day.

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  28. This! This is me right now! It is just so good to know it isnt just me!

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  29. I just laugh reading this (in a good way) as I can relate to some of this, as a foster and adoptive parent. The best friendships I have are with other adoptive parents who walk this road. Thanks for sharing this post!

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  30. Some get it. Some don't. Some seem to get it. And we want them to get it. But in the end, we know they really dont. Its a lonely road we walk. Country road, or busy highway, its just a lonely road.

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  31. THIS ARTICLE SHOULD BE PUBLISHED IN EVERY CHURCH BULLETIN THIS SUNDAY...MAY I HAVE YOUR PERMISSION TO ASK OUR CHURCH? I CAN MAKE IT ANONYMOUS IF YOU PREFER? PEOPLE NEED TO BE AWARE SO THEY HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO HELP...MANY PEOPLE HAVE NOT IDEA BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER TAKEN THE TIME TO EXPLAIN IT TO THEM...UNTIL NOW.

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    1. You are more than welcome to share this, anywhere you believe it will be helpful for special needs, adoptive and foster families.
      thanks so much,
      Lindsay

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  32. wow! perfectly said. i am not the same person who adopted 3 african children (adding to my 10 bio. children) 7 years ago. that person is gone. lost. never to be found. i miss her. everything has changed. every single family member deeply impacted by the changes. i am tired beyond tired . . . lonely beyond lonely. today, i was thinking, "oh how good it would be if i had just one friend . . . one friend to share my pain and sorrow with . . . just one". but, no. the church ladies don't want to hear my pain; they want to pretend that life is wonderful. (i am too tired to capitalize my letters tonight, but wanted to share how deeply this touched me.) thank you for sharing your heart. thank you for your transparency.

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  33. We have adopted 9 kids. Six of them are presumed grown and out of the house. Last year, we adopted 3 boys who are now 4, 5 & 8. Our church experience is compounded by the fact that my husband is the pastor. I miss more church than ever before and no matter how much we try to educate, some people will never get it. I just pray some day I feel like it is worth it. (However, the six grandkids are worth it. :) )

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  34. The way most churches function is highly unhelpful to ANY parent, let alone one of a special needs child. You are expected to be regular in attendance, on time, well behaved, neatly dressed, and behaving extra well.

    Add to that the fact that you are lucky to have a small handful of people there who really care about you or your kids, and it makes it a hassle and a burden to even have to attend.

    Maybe find one of those "hippie" places. We go to one. Very informal, no one looks at you funny if you walk in an hour late, but just says hi, glad you made it. We have discussions not sermons, food, candid stories, even cussing sometimes. :-) And, the kids are free to sit with us or go outside and play a game.

    If you can't find a group like this, maybe start one yourself :-)

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  35. My heart hurts for you, because I do know how you feel....although I didn't/don' have 8! :) You did an excellent job of portraying what life is like when you adopt a hurting child. God bless you!

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  36. You all are my tribe...my people. Yes. Thank you for sharing this and to all who have commented. This article and the subsequent comments made me laugh AND cry.

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  37. Thanks so much for sharing this here. I hope and pray your church, friends... see it too. You put so well, the feelings that we all feel. Hugs to you & your family. We are in the same boat. Our youngest is in a locked facility right now & we had to leave our church due to the grief we got over it... It wasn't our choice, but people felt like we were trying to get rid of her... We weren't. We just wanted all of us to stay alive. Suicidal and homicidal threats & attempts daily are not good for anyone. Hang in there! You are not alone.

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  38. Two kids from hard places in two years. Haven't been to church in... two years. This is spot on.

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  39. Wonderful article! Makes me feel not so alone. As difficult as it was, the worst part was when they came of age, found their birth parents, and then the birth parents convinced them to hate us and come back to them. One birth parent even tried to extort money out of us. The trouble never seems to end.

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  40. Amen. You articulated words that have been swirling around in my heart for quite some time...

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  41. Wow, intense, honest, heartfelt and the real deal. My daughter adopted a child from foster care, but it's been somewhat easier that what you've gone through, because he was only three months old when he came home to us. The challenges were with the "system," but he's finally ours as of 12/16/15, although it took two and a half years of not giving up. I have a grown son with Asperger's Syndrome, my biological child, and taking him to church was no picnic and always elicited judgement. He has grown into an amazing man, but parenting him when he was a child was beyond difficult.

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