Today is a little bit of this and a little bit of that . My heart is full, grateful and reflective. Mothers Day has been to me many things throughout my life. As a child celebratory as a teen, something I celebrated and looked toward in the future, as a young adult, I was told I would never bear children and it was something I mourned, and felt less worth because of.
Once becoming a Mother, they were holidays beyond enjoyed, ones left raw by a miscarriage or failed adoption, ones that I wanted to ignore all together while I waited and suffered through those three Mothers Days without all of my children under one roof.
Mothers Day is a day about life, nurturing, the sustaining beauty in a woman’s heart.
A milestone was made yesterday. A GIANT milestone. Papillion, who struggles with massive entitlement, has never been able to spend her money, anything she has or earned on someone else, this is about survival, and I get it. For Mothers Day she asked Hubs to take her shopping…she bought me a cover for my phone a $30 decorative case to protect my cell phone. This is HUGE for a number of reasons…me having a cell phone and her not has been a giant trigger for months, also she had earned the money doing hair, and spent money she earned on me. I cried , like ugly cried…and she probably thought I was a freak, and she is probably right.
Today I am puking my guts out, comes with the territory of hormones and Lupus, eh, it is what it is…Hubs took the four oldest to church. The congregation handed out giant Symphony Chocolate Bars to all of the Women/Mothers. Hubs asked Scoobs to grab me one.. to bring home…..and then he forgot.
Until he went to pick up Scooby in Sunday School and.... found a boy and half a chocolate bar.
And Scoobs started to cry.
He came home, embarrassed as the other kids confessed his crimes to me before her entered the front door. They were giggling and he began to sob and told them to “STOP LAUGHING.” I gave em all the “shut it” look only a Mama can give, and picked up Scoobs on my hip and walked him into the music room. He cried for about 10 minutes while I held him, once calmed, I told him, “ya know, I would have had a HARD time holding that Chocolate Bar through church without eating it too, and ya know what…I would have shared it with you when you got home…so great you ate the part I would have shared (maybe a little bit more)…but lets make it fair, can you grab the candy bar and lets finish splitting it up and you can bring the others their chocolate?” He smiled and said , “sure, and since I had mine , I probably don’t need anymore.”…”Good point bud.”
Today, (and I very well know it may not be tomorrow), I am SO GRATEFUL for what my children’s challenges have pushed me to learn. I am so proud of the empathy I have learned to have. Coming from a “Tough Love” home…that is what I knew..and loving my kids is TOUGH….B.U.T. the empathy, the kindness, the helping them make it right without the shaming, my goodness….It makes me feel better about myself, it is how as an adult I want to be treated, and I am not a tender, traumatized still learning and growing child.(snort ....well O.K. maybe I am somedays)
I know I have belly-ached about my Lupus before. I struggle with the pain, but more embarrassingly, I struggle with the vanity of what this disease does to me.
I work out, eat healthy and struggle with weight. I mean S.T.R.U.G.G.L.E
You see since my teens I have been off and on the devils drug (formally known as Prednisone). It is a Steroid that racks my body, makes me FAT (like makes me look 5 months pregnant), and trashes my skin, and moisture in my body and generally makes me look like a Thanksgiving Day float. Whatever.
I lost around 20 pounds this fall…and when spring came, my numb arms and now the swelling and liquid around my heart is BAD, worse it's stupid dangerous, which is sooo overly annoying to me…so back on the “Devil”….and it took two weeks to gain what I lost in six months…I know Boo-hoo…but really it kinda sucks in the “what’s left of my vanity department.”
Sooo Easter was a comin'…my kids get new church duds, my aunt donates to the fund. It’s fun and exciting to dress the shorties up….and there is nuthin wrong with a little retail therapy now and then. RIGHT?
…well I had Peanut Butter with me at Freddies…I had decided , I was NOT buying myself a new dress until I was back to my former size…and would save the money until then.
I saw a dress that caught my eye, I pushed the cart over to it and pulled it out, checked the price held it against me…and resorted to “I will buy it when I can wear the “right” size”….and then I heard a little voice. “Mama, that dress is soooo Pretty, it will make you look so brea-u-ti-ful, are you going to buy it?” ….I hugged him and told him, “Not yet lil’ man..Mama is puffy from her meds…so when I am not puffy anymore I will come back and get it.” …
and then came the words “BUT YOU ARE BREA-U-TI-FUL TODAY.”
And well, it hit me like a ton of bricks. We are ALL beautiful today, and So. Are. THEY.
We all have a long way to go, things to heal, ways to be better or stronger or….. whatever. Yet if we do not STOP and SEE the beauty TODAY….what is the point in tomorrow?
So damnit go buy yourself a freakn’ dress…SEE the beauty, know TODAY may be as good as it gets…and well try embracing it…it really will make tomorrow and the next day and the next..even better.
Happy Mothers Day.