Wednesday, May 25, 2011


It has been almost a full two weeks of our family being paralyzed …I mean I have not been able to take the time to talk on the phone, wash my hair (ew), post on facebook, blog. Simply breathing in and out and getting through the days over here have been all that we can do. Welcome to Dis-Regulation Station…. I HATE IT HERE.

I had such an incredible time at the “Mama’s Parenting Trauma” retreat. Truly Diana and Cynthia did a jaw dropping, Mama pampering, educating, self-caring, life long friendship building…INCREDIBLE job…I so was inspired by the Mama’s living and loving and surviving Trauma that I learned from and absolutely ADORED. There is nothing like it, feeling safe to talk, to share, telling true stories about your day to day life..and have people “GET IT”..and not balk in disgust or dis-belief (seriously it was just a little pee)…it was so healing and validating for me.

BUT..and I MEAN a BIG fat BUT….I was gone, for four days…and well RE-ENTRY SUCKS…after being gone, and the insecurity it causes my kiddo’s attachment stuff…always means there will be H.E-double hockey-sticks to pay for my absence.

April and May have given me a boatload of opportunities to build, learn and grow my therapeutic parenting skills ..however these conferences, retreats and such have taken me away from my family, my kids…and thus …PAYBACK is as they say…A BIG FAT UGLY DROOLING MEAN UGLY BBBBRAT.

Two weeks and I am praying I may see the end of the tunnel of Dis-regulation Station…
NOTE: Eleven people going through the flu did NOT help.

Sooo Chatter has RAGED like she hasn’t for months.((HOURS)) and Oie’ the broken stuff, the random things put in random places (think treasure hunt from hell; like bag of String Cheese in her Sock drawer and tooth brushes in shoes) We were so WACKED when it came Monday we could not, get our shoes on, find and put lotion on, brush our teeth, nor find our glasses on top of our dresser. I MEAN …COULD NOT do it…two hours and 923 promps later …I called up her therapist and away we went with an ashy skinned, shoeless, bad breathed and blind seven year old….nice. While other parents stared I marched her into the office, checked her in and waited. When the therapist came out..I handed her a white paper bag full of ….shoes, tooth paste and tooth brush, lotion, and her glasses…
“Good Luck with that” I tell her WONDERFUL therapist as I wash my hands, heart of my brain thick and heavy with frustration….Peace OUT Sista Sue!
Sure the random weepy crying, NON-STOP non-sence talk and chatter...weird hygiene and putting things away in crazy places, control tactics, make me want to poke my eyes out….but we have not played the “I Can’t Game” since….and this week we have actually managed a day of school…so that’s good…sweet progress.

Diva SUPRISINGLY has kicked major HINY-WHOO in the Anxiety and Trigger and department…. I am so proud of her, she is looking more and more ready for Kindergarten (Therapeutic School) and the Mama couldn’t be more STOKED! We still freeze, and had a day or two of making sure Mom was still on her game…but man I LOVE the look of healing!

Cookie remains my darling Prince of Passive Aggressive land….we are CONSTANTLY instigating, aggravating, triggering other kids (cause NO ONE has a PHD in pushing peoples buttons like he does) ..but is so HEART BROKEN when the pooh hits the fan and someone’s button SNAPS … CONSTANT victim tears….and my Sympathy skills are not A.V.A.I.L.A.B.L.E…I think they may be on back order….in the laundry, or on vaca- leave….hope they are having some cool drink with an umbrella on a sandy beach somewhere. I know he is speaking in behaviors and I remind my self to hug him everyday…but sadly I have to have it on my to-do list because I am having a hard time doing it naturally….and yes it makes me sad to admit that.

Dude is a MESS…we are NOT SLEEPING, and I mean NO NAPS, NO NIGHT TIME SLEEPING…NA-DA. Poor guy is so Hyper vigilant he is not functioning…we Whine, Cry, Rage, Bite, Head butt, Scream, Shriek, Fight, Destroy….All HOURS of the day. The only way I can get him to sleep is Swaddle him and hold him while he Rages, Screams, snots, drools, tries to bite, it takes about 1 hour to 90 minutes rocking him to get him sleeping and two hours later he is back awake…It. Is. EXAUSTING.
We have tried melatonin, lavender massage …he is just too wired…so again we try to make his world smaller….his “safeplace” (play yard) is where he can be with soft toys, but he can stem, snack, and be calm for a couple minutes at a time…my heart aches for him….and the words he dose not have.

Scoobs, Scooby…Scoober-oo…Can I just say out loud, “I WANT HIM TO LIVE, I WANT HIM TO SURVIVE THIS, I AM TERRIFIED HE WON’T.” He continues to sabotage with his health and medical needs. The diabetes specialist just took his pump and sadly he is back on shots. How I HATE puncturing his beautiful skin with blasted needles…the bruises on his arms, legs, stomach and bum hurt my heart. He has missed much school, not regulated enough to safely go to school…I see the pain in his eyes, the constant anger and rage that eats his little lion heart and I so badly want to fix it. New meds, therapy are on the horizon this summer and I can’t WAIT!

Last but NOT least on the Trauma and Dis-regulation scale is Papillion. Babe-girl, sigh….there are days I am so scared, sad, worried, PARALIZED WITH FEAR that I will not be enough for her, but then comes the question…if not me then who?
We had a MAJOR Trauma trigger; Bomb threat was called in at school.
This perpetuated some other behaviors, some things that have left my brain reeling, some things I will probably need therapy for (and the other kids are in therapy for)…some things that bring me to my knees knowing, I , her therapist, anyone really, may not be able to help her and heal her …not that I am giving up, I just find myself feeling so overwhelmed, and with her age NO RESOURSES as we turn 18 next month, but we are NOT really 18…I have a meeting with Adult Mental Health today…As a Warrior Mom I am ready to battle her rights , her needs, her future hope for healing…and as I do , she is the opposing force not wanting it, refusing it and spitting in the face of healing…because it is too painful and raw to go there….I get that ….yet still I HAVE to try.

Many people ask what “Disregulated looks like and “How can you tell”…when a kid is triggered, or just not in their right mind/frontal lobe, they can act out in a lot of ways…my sweeties can, whine, cry randomly, lie, lie some more, steal, break things, steal things, non-sense chatter, demand things and truly believe they will DIE without them, tri-angulate adults (we LOVE messing with well-meaning teachers and church leaders), cut clothing, mattresses, bedding, and toys up with scissors ...or even their teeth…and then comes the peeing…and much, much more.

A tell-tale sign is the silent-random….pajama’s shoved under the couch, a fork in the middle of the floor, cheese put away on top of the fridge in stead of inside. “Forgetting How”…Odd controlling behavior like washing a window with a dry diaper instead of a cloth…boogers on walls, clean clothes under the bed…putting away dishes in wrong places ..the hard thing is so MANY people “out-side” will normalize these behaviors ,and chalk them up to “Normal kid stuff”…and WE KNOW it is NOT….and what is going down…and what WILL go down…if said behavior is not therapeutically dealt with…
so I LOVED when this went down the other day.. I actually SENT this picture to my Mother….THIS IS DIS-REGULATION…my teen queen doing her chores...with one hand in her pocket the ENTIRE TIME..I mean dishes being cleared, washed, loaded, sink, table and counters being wiped down all one handed…
Exibit A: Normalize that bad boy!

So once we were regulated (well as much as we can be) you BET “I brought it”…in the form of jokes about “THE ONE ARMED wo-MAN".. yep that phrase ran rampant in our house….and this lil’ ditty has been played once er’ twice (like 100 x).

…Yes, sarcasm lives breathes and continues to make babies in my home (it keeps me sane even if it is not always nice) BECAUSE… I’m doin’ the best I can with CRAZY.


  1. We've had our couple of weeks of crazy around here, too. Not pretty. The first day I was home was fine and then we spiraled downward from there. I wanna go back on vacation!!!!!!!!

    Hang in there, friend!

  2. We have a lot of dis-regulation too. My kids have not recovered from my weekend vacation with Corey's retreat and my mom passing away. It is 8 days and counting until we trek to Cleveland to see our therapist. I need some relief!

  3. so sorry linds.... I think when you are dealing with emotional stuff- that there should be some rule that you can not get sick! I'll talk to God about that!

  4. Wowie - I can't imagine you being able to leave.....your husband is a saint.

  5. Thanks many people telling me "oh, that is normal for her to do/act like that" when in my heart I KNOW it isn't "normal". I also know what it feels like to have a hug on my to-do list!! Dang this is hard!!!! Tomorrow is another day and I will try somemore.....because I am her mom.

  6. Good Lord in Heaven Lindsay. At some point, you've got to look around and say, 'you can't make this sh*t up!!!!!!'
    No one 'gets' it like us trauma's the sneaky, passive/aggressive stuff that freaks the crap out of me.....
    Wish we lived closer I'd create a place for the kids to go a hang with each other and be all RADtastic with each other....maybe it they saw it in others they might realize what it looks like!
    A girl can dream, right????

  7. Lindsay,
    I just read something that I thought you might time one of the kiddos tantrums....have a group tantrum!!!! You'll have to coordinate it with the other kids, but try it and see what happens!!!! It might shorten the tantrum and EVERYONE gets some energy out, no?????
    The book also said you may have to do one in public too - wish I was there for support....I could run around and say, Don't Freak Out....this is RAD in action people!!!!!

  8. Ha Ha ha! Love it Ericka....just watch for me on youtube!