Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I am not Titanium or Bulletproof

Ow, Owwwwwwwie, Yo, THAT HURTS.
Sometimes the behaviors we try SO HARD to not let aggravate, puncture or hurt us that are kids do, break through that bulletproof vest and hit us straight in the heart.
And it should. Hurt.
Occasionally the stuff our kids do, should hurt us. Because if it didn't it would mean we weren't human any more.
And that is why we are here, because we wanted to be parents, we wanted to help and love and heal, we wanted to help a small one with their hurts and didn't realize how contagious their hurts would be.

Sometimes I blare this song, in the car, while sobbing and driving away; when my emotional endurance has been tested past breaking. And dude, I have great emotional endurance...it's the water boarding, the subtle everyday stick poking, that pushing on a permanent bruise feeling that tumbles me over the edge.

It's the “adorable and nice and kind to everyone” , everyone except me.
It's the triangulation with adults, the way they can ask for and need things from others, but hold their breath until they are blue in the face in order to NOT have to talk to me.
It is the capability to ask a stranger for a band-aid, but not tell me that they may have broken their arm.

That stuff there? Damn it , it hurts.
It hurts to so badly to WANT to be a soft place for them, and they would rather land ANYWHERE but near you.

This too is the symptoms of trauma, of severe trust issues. The hardest part? You are on an island where no one else see's the rejection and mind games, except you.
You can try to explain to the teacher, the aid, the therapist and in the beginning even to your own partner, and you will be met with a blank stare and a pat on the back.

It feels alienating.
It feels like you are going a little bit nuts.
It is SO SO SO hard to have these feelings of frustration and being rejected by a kid that YOU more than anyone else in the world wanted to care for and love, and now is feels like THEY would prefer that attention and love from anyone else in the world BUT YOU.

My son once hugged a homeless man.
And before you go all “Auuuuhhhhhhh, sweet, that man probably really needed a hug”...he hugged him, before he was ever willing to hug me.
For reals.

That is that grand prize of SUCK-I-NESS.
That is the grand pooh-ba of attachment hardships, you being the one person they focus their rejection on. You being their safe place to dump the stuff they wouldn't dare trust anyone else with. Stuff they protect and will SHOW NO ONE ELSE, e.v.e.r.

They throw a “I feel like crap all of the time party”, and only invite you.
It is one hell of an RSVP.
Since no one else ever gets invited, they can't know.
I know it isn't fair. I know it makes you feel worse and desperate and mourn.
I know it makes you feel like no body GETS really what is going on.

I know, many of us do.
You aren't alone.

I can tell you why your kid may be choosing these behaviors.
I can tell you why actually YOU are the most important person in their lives.
I can tell you ways to respond, ways to self care, ways to not let it hurt so bad.

Or, I can tell you.
It's O.K. To cry.
It's O.K. Not to always be made of Titanium.
It's O.K. To drive and cry and turn the music way on up.
And listen to sad, loud songs.

Now tell me, what is YOUR "let it all out", "this is wayyy harder than I thought it would be" Jam, cuz folks mama needs a new playlist. <3


  1. Round here and Mr. Jones by Counting Crows everytime. no clue way but it must be LOUD oh and if you fall by jj heller.... when I can handle it.

  2. Fix You by Coldplay

  3. When I am beyond hurt I find I need to listen to 'angry' music. Korn is my usual go-to, especially if I can get to the gym and on a treadmill. It's a lot of yelling, cursing, and actually empowering music.
    So if you see me at the conference in the hotel gym fist pumping and mouthing (maybe accidentally letting them fly out loud) some curse words, you'll know I probably left a mess behind (o;
    And yes, it is isolating. That is why I am flying across the country to UN-isolate!

  4. Lenka - The Show, Sara Bareilles - Brave, REM - It's The End of The World as We Know It, and Anna Nalick - Breathe (2am).

  5. "Tub Thumping" by -- can't remember their name. It's the "I get knocked down, but I get up again. Ain't never gonna keep me down" song. A few years ago I realized the lyrics are all about drinking liquor and then peeing which just makes me laugh. I still like the chorus though.

  6. "You Can't Always get what you Want" and recently Tegan and Sara from the Lego Movie- "Everything is Awesome."

  7. Had a Bad Day, Daniel Powter and How to Save A Life, The Fray. (And another vote for Breathe (2am)

  8. Needed to read this so much today! Thanks for sharing, it was beyond helpful to hear someone else put it into words.

  9. This is EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY where I am today! I am so frustrated at outsiders like teachers, etc. viewing us as the problem! I so needed to read this today, my heart is grieving and I really felt like no one understands this elegant manipulation dance we live out every second of every day. Thank you so much for sharing your heart, it really does help to know we are not alone.

  10. YES!!! That's EXACTLY how it feels!!! Thank you!!! (p.s. - Wish I had a "cry" button, because it can hurt SO much, but the tears won't come.....instead, they sneak up at VERY inopportune times....... p.p.s. - But SO thankful for the gift of laughter -- that comes much more easily!)

  11. Say Something (I'm Giving Up On You) And your post resonates beyond any ability to describe. "It is SO SO SO hard to have these feelings of frustration and being rejected by a kid that YOU more than anyone else in the world wanted to care for and love, and now is feels like THEY would prefer that attention and love from anyone else in the world BUT YOU." Truer words have never been written. This child was the child who would finally make me a mom. He was my only way to build a family. And yeah, I cry. A lot.

  12. i am in the process of getting my license. I dont know if i can do this..

    Transatlanticism- I need you so much closer ; by Death cab for cutie,

  13. "Chandelier" and "Elastic Heart" by Sia - and it REALLY gets crazy when you watch the accompanying music videos!