Saturday, August 3, 2013

Chronic Pain

Today as I was messaging back and forth with a dear friend. We were commiserating about
Chronic Pain. We both had recently received not-so-great prognosis's.
We both (she much longer) have been living in some intense unchanging, unrelenting pain. 
Suck bags.

I related with her, on how good days, you can celebrate and have gratitude for even the smallest of things. On bad days, the pain weighs you down with depression, grabbing you by the ankles and pulls you into a deep dark hole of despair.

It's sorta like the fire-swamp of fantastic sucki-ness.

You dawn your sweats, ignore showering, combing hair, looking nice, eating healthy and exercising.
You just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a very long time, and the the insomnia seeps in, and even then sleep evades you. Things start feeling a mess. The pain begins to win.
Fear starts to reign, thoughts of;
“Am I always going to feel this awful?”
“Nothing is good anymore.”
“There is nothing to look forward to because no matter what I am going to hurt.”
“Who would want to waste their time with me, I am no fun.”
“What is the point of trying?”

Now because I am an adult, and a mother, and genuinely a happy active person, I allow me to be gentle with myself, but also don't take much of my own crap for long.
Because I am emotionally pretty dern healthy and deep down know what I need to do to get to a better place, I have to be more aware of my pain cycle.

I nap, and get to bed a decent times. I read powerful motivating things, I pray and meditate.
I talk to and lean on friends and family that cheer and sometimes drag me on.
I  get OUTSIDE and walk very slowly, because even in pain those endorphins kick in and BAM, less pain. I eat fresh, whole food. I write down daily gratitude’s.

I am capable of witnessing my pain cycle and still it is hard for ME to pull MY sh-tuff together.

Today one of my sweeties is circling a drain the yanks my chest open .
Regardless of the boundaries we give her, she can't not control, not self harm, not STOP behaviors that may soon land her getting some intensive help.

We try to process with her natural consequences, what our job is to keep her safe and what part of it is her job. She can not do her part. She wants to, SOBS uncontrollably about how hard she is trying, until she is in the moment...and then contradictions are this swirly dance of nonsensical voodoo she holds onto like a life line.

My husband just looked at me helpless and said, how do we put her out of her misery?

And I choked up a little.

This one specific kid, is in chronic pain.
Trauma is chronic pain to far to many children.

And much like me they get sucked into the Vortex of depression with their pain and frustration.

Their pain is emotional and physical. Their releases seen in self harm and mutilation, self hate and rejection of all things good. They feel unworthy.Their depression witnessed in their lack of self care, hygiene, and food issues.
The myths they tell their selves regardless of the good stuff we try to pour in :
“ I always am going to feel this awful,” ie; I am a bad kid, I will always be bad.
“Nothing is good anymore.” ie: Never has been good, never WILL be good.”
“There is nothing to look forward to because no matter what I am going to hurt.”
“Who would want to waste their time with me, I am no fun.” ie; “My family doesn't really love me, why would they.”
“What is the point of trying?”

What is the point of trying?

I know, I know...

It is so sad that children without tools are capable of this kind of pain, but know what? they are.
For some children Trauma creates this all over chronic pain that inhibits ever.single.thing. they do, believe, think and react.

It is their cycle of pain.
Slowly many break out of the pain, allow coping tools to be introduced, begin to believe the pain can dissipate, or that regardless of the pain, they still can have good days.
We as their compass are there to guide them through their pain, to show them the way. It is our job to
draw them a map, write them directions and take them by the hand and give them tools to climb out of the dark abyss, never minimizing the pain they feel.

Today while icing my back I gave my girl physical reminders that noone but she has to know about.
That she can LOVE her self, have fun, be happy, be kind,have good things, move on and that she is beautiful.

Reminding her even when she is in pain, she has and is capable of doing these things.
Tomorrow will she be back spiraling? Maybe. but maybe not, and so often it is dealing with the symptoms as they come, and her having the confidence to let me try and help alleviate some of that pain.

Pain can blind anyone, but for children it can feel so very hopeless.
To parent children in this kind of pain can feel so very hopeless.
But, together, side by side you can navigate through it slowly, lovingly.
Will the pain ever go away? I can't promise that.
But, there are good days and then more good days possible.

I promise. Cross my heart, and hope to happy, be kind, and enjoy life.
er somthin' close to that.
Now lets go storm that castle.


  1. For the second time in maybe three weeks, I've felt a small, ever so small glimmer of hope for my 6 year old (and me as his Mom). Ironically, they were both because of YOU! Thank you, Lindsey!

  2. weepy. looking forward to the day when Jesus takes away all that pain for you and all your babies and all my babies.

    you are in my thoughts and prayers. and i still wish we were neighbors.

  3. You have a beautiful heart. Your words always speak directly to me. We too have children that live in this place of chronic pain, doing the best that they can at any given moment. I love them so much, but some days there is just so much pain. Thank-you for your honesty and for your thoughts written here.

  4. Beautifully written. If I had to pick for my children whether to feel the physical pain that Tabi always endures, or the emotional pain that T sometimes feels, I'd have 5 severely physically handicapped children. Keep on keeping on, you're always in our thoughts and prayers.

  5. I also live with chronic unrelenting physical pain. I'd never thought to compare my physical agony with my son's emotional anguish. What a perfect reminder. Thank you for this insight.

  6. really beautifully written. thanks for the post

    indeed, chronic pain is a bi**h.