Sunday, April 7, 2013


You know when you watch those hospital based T.V shows, and the heart monitor stops making groovy triangled lines and the intermittent beeping changes to a long annoying whine of a straight never ending “beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep” as the triangles stop and turn into a straight line?
And then the panic sets in?

That. That is how I have been feeling about one of my children.

We are in the throughs of moving.
We are stuck in the start/stop, hurry up/and wait part of it all. And it sucks. A lot.

And I have been really angry and sad and mad, and heart broken with one of my children.
I have struggled letting a choice they have made go, and I deep down know it is affecting my day to day interaction with them. Maybe not on the surface, but deep down where the good stuff is? My heart is flat lining toward this kid. I don't want it to feel like that.
But I am human, and trust and things held most important can only be broken so many times before wear and tear of emotion is inevitable.

So it's four in the mourning and I just finished rocking and feeding baby Faith's little sister, and now can't get back to sleep.
As I lay, contemplating/praying meditating on things I have no time in the daylight to ponder. This one thing that is eating me up/flat-lining my heart comes up.

I am asking myself “HOW, how are you going to trust/feel better about this kid, that needs you, and obviously needs to get better and change their behavior, how is this going to work?”
and I dive into that big empty ache, that is filled with fear... and I swim around in it a little bit, telling myself I know the answer, but I stubbornly and understandably don't want to do it.

The answer is whispered to me, in the sleeping breath of my three year old laying next to me....

“ How can they get better if they can't forgive themselves. How can they forgive themselves and move on, if you won't.”

Well shit.

There it is.
And I don't know if I can.

But there lies the truth. Forgiving is never ever Forgetting....especially when safety is involved.
And yet there it lies in my palm like a sleeping bird.

They can't let go and move on, if I can't.
I know this because I only move forward in my life once I have forgiven myself for stupid choices and actions that have hurt myself and others, and I am an adult.

For a kid, they need a map in the grand forgiveness of themselves, shame is too much of a roadblock. I, I too have been guilty in using it towards them, I too have been blocking them from progress , because I want feel and know they are sorry enough. And that is my stuff, not theirs. Their shame is so deep, this kid is sorry for 90% of the breaths they take, and they might not even know that, but there it is eating them up all the same.

But what if, what if I can get over myself for one minute?

What if they can learn this one thing, to forgive themselves and move on, that, right there is a tool most adults never master....and what if we all could, what would the world look like?

So damn-it.
Looks like it's going to have to start with me.
And I am far far far away from wanting to. Really if I am being honest with how I feel.

I.don't.want. to. The flat lining feels numb and oddly easier than opening up the wound and scraping out the infection...but if I can do this for them and in turn they learn to do it for themselves and others?
Forgiveness of oneself , well that is the root of the root.
And where the beginning of self healing starts..........



  1. Yes it the beginning, hang in there, hoping moving happens soon

  2. I am so struggling right now with this same thing. You're right. There's only so many times that things can be broken, violated, or turned upside down especially, when safety is concerned,before we start reacting to it. In my situation, it's not about my kids and yet it so is. It's because of my kids, forgiving and trusting an adult whom everyone else seems to think is fine is so damn difficult. I'm not even sure it about forgiveness either. Its about trust.How will I ever know if that person really is sincere and deserves to have trust restored if I'm not willing to take a risk. And yet I know what that risk would do to my kids. It would shatter their sense of trust and cause irreparable damage.This is all so very hard. I'll be praying for your heart today. Will you pray for mine too?

  3. You always put into words the thoughts of my own heart. Thank-you.

  4. Gosh. Can I say that I don't think you have to put your own heart out there so much. That damaged people (of all ages) can't really hold onto someone else's heart, when they don't have a handle on theirs. That it's okay to check out enough to just take care of basic needs, and protect your own heart for awhile. Put the things into place that you think will help heal their heart, all those things, but give yourself permission to put up a bit of a fence around your own heart with this child? Even a temporary orange construction net is okay. "Place your own oxygen mask, before assisting others." It stinks to say it, but it's okay to pull back a bit for sanity's sake. Feel free to ignore if this doesn't help your situation- it's helped mine.

    1. I really liked this . . .

      "Put up . . . an orange construction net . . . Place your own oxygen mask, before assisting others."

      I agree. Sometimes we mama's do need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of our very needy children.


      mama of 12


    Have you heard the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. That's what your struggle reminded me of.

    Also this song:

    "how many times have I cried out 'God please take this' and how many times have you given me strngth to just keep breathing .."

    1. Thank You! Both of these songs really spoke to my heart today.

      mama of 12

  6. That hurt to read because it hit home hard. Thank you for saying what I am afraid to say so I can confront what I am avoiding....

  7. Oh and don't I just adore you already?! I am so glad Annie directed me to your blog! Your family is beautiful, and I can feel the beauty in your heart as well.

    I just started blogging, well blogging about our struggles. I have blogged in the past about our adoption journeys, but find myself needing a save avenue to say what I can not always say out loud to IRL friends and family.

    Thank you.

  8. So - playing devils advocate forgive them, give them the tools to forgive themselves. Said behavior occurs again - and again - and again. You forgive over and over - BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU MUST DO SO TO HELP THEM HEAL, even if its the hardest thing you've ever done. At what point do you accept the fact that said child does not feel about the situation the way you do or the way you would if you were them? Not trying to be a downer here, but sometimes I think we all put way too much emphasis and our own behavior and hold ourselves to an unnatural standard when we just cannot accept the fact that the child is the one who needs to be doing the work.

    1. Agree.

      I have come to realize that maybe NOTHING I can do will bring healing to my daughter. NOTHING. Not.One.Thing. I am POWERLESS to do the healing. Only God can do what I so desperately want to do . . . and, my daughter must come to the place of even allowing God into her heart to do the hard work necessary.

      Hard. So.Very.Hard.

      mama of 12