N.A.R.D.S.
(and I Sooooooo get this is a made up term that I use to cope; so dear, dear,dearest troll that likes to knock me and my parenting...have.at.it.)
I so just prescribed rude comments...check me out! :D
I am going to share a term we like to use when coping with Narcissistic behavior from my attachment challenged children.
You see one of my children really struggles with this aspect of his Attachment and all around well being...the kid is a full on Narcissist. When children live in a survival state, the only things or people they need to worry about is Me, Myself and I..how the world operates is only viewed directly on the soul factor of how it affects them. PERIOD.
N.A.R.D.S.
Narcissistic Attachment Reactive Disorder Symtoms
HA! And the 9 year old girl in me thinks this is hilarious....lets kick him right in the NARDS!
But parenting the NARD ridden child.so.not.fun. (again so know this is a made up term...)
My son struggles with a 'Whoa is Me, everyone is so MEAN to ME, I am so sad, all of the TIME, nothing works out for ME, I never get what I want, life is so so hard for ME, Everyone else has it easy except ME.”
Nothing is a direct consequence for him, everything is something that is being DONE to HIM....even after we process it for the gazillionth time....
Him punching his brother= sit and think time= doing his brothers chore = me being MEAN to HIM.
(feel free to insert this equation in every.single.situation.possible)
Today it was over a ball, he had given to his brother, for his brother's birthday, of which he felt he had ownership rights over....so a tantrum, wailing “whoa is me”, crying Oscar worthy performance ensued.
I first swore in my head ,then calmly knelt down by him and asked him “who's ball is it buddy?”
“My brothers, but “I” gave it to him, so “I' should get to play with it whenever “I” want.”
“yeah, no, it's your brothers, if he wants to share HIS toy, regardless of WHO gave it to HIM...it is up to HIM”
and then it came....
“Why is everyone so MEAN to me, I NEVER get what I want, you love everyone more than you love ME, “I” am always in trouble..”I” don't love any of you...I hate everyone...”
..and maybe he should go eat worms.....( I need a banjo)
(just kidding...but it is totally O.K. That I am singing this in my head...)
So we had a sit down/come to Jesus meeting...another one...it's a weekly meeting, but this one had pictures. :)
(and I Sooooooo get this is a made up term that I use to cope; so dear, dear,dearest troll that likes to knock me and my parenting...have.at.it.)
I so just prescribed rude comments...check me out! :D
I am going to share a term we like to use when coping with Narcissistic behavior from my attachment challenged children.
You see one of my children really struggles with this aspect of his Attachment and all around well being...the kid is a full on Narcissist. When children live in a survival state, the only things or people they need to worry about is Me, Myself and I..how the world operates is only viewed directly on the soul factor of how it affects them. PERIOD.
N.A.R.D.S.
Narcissistic Attachment Reactive Disorder Symtoms
HA! And the 9 year old girl in me thinks this is hilarious....lets kick him right in the NARDS!
But parenting the NARD ridden child.so.not.fun. (again so know this is a made up term...)
My son struggles with a 'Whoa is Me, everyone is so MEAN to ME, I am so sad, all of the TIME, nothing works out for ME, I never get what I want, life is so so hard for ME, Everyone else has it easy except ME.”
Nothing is a direct consequence for him, everything is something that is being DONE to HIM....even after we process it for the gazillionth time....
Him punching his brother= sit and think time= doing his brothers chore = me being MEAN to HIM.
(feel free to insert this equation in every.single.situation.possible)
Today it was over a ball, he had given to his brother, for his brother's birthday, of which he felt he had ownership rights over....so a tantrum, wailing “whoa is me”, crying Oscar worthy performance ensued.
I first swore in my head ,then calmly knelt down by him and asked him “who's ball is it buddy?”
“My brothers, but “I” gave it to him, so “I' should get to play with it whenever “I” want.”
“yeah, no, it's your brothers, if he wants to share HIS toy, regardless of WHO gave it to HIM...it is up to HIM”
and then it came....
“Why is everyone so MEAN to me, I NEVER get what I want, you love everyone more than you love ME, “I” am always in trouble..”I” don't love any of you...I hate everyone...”
..and maybe he should go eat worms.....( I need a banjo)
(just kidding...but it is totally O.K. That I am singing this in my head...)
So we had a sit down/come to Jesus meeting...another one...it's a weekly meeting, but this one had pictures. :)
and so I drew this lovely diagram...no
worries I am full on aware of my artistic abilities... I have to use
symbols when am trying to apply concrete processing with my
children. Especially when dealing with learning disabilities...
What this is saying...is; What the “Family side” is always and, no matter what giving him...
love
home
food
toys
bed
playing with him
blankest
we go out and have fun
we share with him...
and that no matter HOW MUCH STUFF, LOVE, THINGS we share and give to him..he holds on to it and wants and thinks he deserves more....it.is.never.enough.
He hoards his things, won't share...will wear and play with all of his brothers things, but he won't use, (or let anyone else) use his things...
and so I started with a happy face in the upper left corner, because these things and this behavior makes him think ultimately it will make him “happy”.
“But does it baby?”
“No, I just want more, and then I get more, and I am happy for a second, but then I want what everyone else has too, so then I am mad and sad.”
...and let's put that song on repeat....
“Soooooo , is that working for you...all of this taking and wanting and never giving, is it making you happy, and loving, or even liked...which is what you want most from your siblings?”
“Well if they weren't mean to ME....”
I stopped that before we got the pity party rollin'....
“What I am asking without focusing on anyone else...is ; Is what YOU are doing, holding onto, not sharing, not giving love, or kindness, let alone letting anyone touch anything that is yours...and always wanting more....is.that.working.for.you.
“NO”....sob......
“So what if we didn't even start with your toys or food, but tried with feelings...and sharing and giving and loving in small ways...remember on Christmas when you couldn't wait to watch your brothers and sisters open the drawings you drew for them?”
“Yes, I wanted them to like them.”
“and when they did, how did that make you feel?”
“Good, Important, that I did a good thing.”
“and you did, buddy THAT IS GIVING, that is the good feeling I am talking about when I am saying working on giving love, sharing, and being kind, and how that might make YOU feel.
and that no matter HOW MUCH STUFF, LOVE, THINGS we share and give to him..he holds on to it and wants and thinks he deserves more....it.is.never.enough.
He hoards his things, won't share...will wear and play with all of his brothers things, but he won't use, (or let anyone else) use his things...
and so I started with a happy face in the upper left corner, because these things and this behavior makes him think ultimately it will make him “happy”.
“But does it baby?”
“No, I just want more, and then I get more, and I am happy for a second, but then I want what everyone else has too, so then I am mad and sad.”
...and let's put that song on repeat....
“Soooooo , is that working for you...all of this taking and wanting and never giving, is it making you happy, and loving, or even liked...which is what you want most from your siblings?”
“Well if they weren't mean to ME....”
I stopped that before we got the pity party rollin'....
“What I am asking without focusing on anyone else...is ; Is what YOU are doing, holding onto, not sharing, not giving love, or kindness, let alone letting anyone touch anything that is yours...and always wanting more....is.that.working.for.you.
“NO”....sob......
“So what if we didn't even start with your toys or food, but tried with feelings...and sharing and giving and loving in small ways...remember on Christmas when you couldn't wait to watch your brothers and sisters open the drawings you drew for them?”
“Yes, I wanted them to like them.”
“and when they did, how did that make you feel?”
“Good, Important, that I did a good thing.”
“and you did, buddy THAT IS GIVING, that is the good feeling I am talking about when I am saying working on giving love, sharing, and being kind, and how that might make YOU feel.
What do you think about that?”
“I think I am going to get mad and forget.”
“Maybe you will..but maybe we could hang this beside your bed and you can work on remembering what might make YOU feel better, what really might make YOU more happy.”
“O.K. Mom I will try”
“That is all I am asking buddy.”
“I think I am going to get mad and forget.”
“Maybe you will..but maybe we could hang this beside your bed and you can work on remembering what might make YOU feel better, what really might make YOU more happy.”
“O.K. Mom I will try”
“That is all I am asking buddy.”
beautiful. i like the drawing, i think i need to remember that. i have a bit of a hoarder over here, too.
ReplyDeleteA narcissist lives our house too. And it really stinks, and it is what scares me the most. His day revolves around him and he really tries to make so much of our day revolve around him too. really hard for me
ReplyDeleteDrawing is a VERY, VERY productive way to converse with my son also! Good job, mom.
ReplyDeleteLOVE this!
ReplyDeleteLOVE you!!
And who the #&!! is the TROLL who bashes you?!
Lemme at em!
Oh my goodness, my RADish is EXACTLY like this! Going to have to try the picture thing.
ReplyDeleteLove your blog, BTW. Thank you for helping the rest of us in the trenches feel a little less alone.
I think we have the same son, although mine is now 13. We diagram and write on a weekly basis about this very thing and we have seen some small steps of progress but he is still so hungry. We have a strategy that sometimes works when he does something like this. You are doing such a great job with him on this!
ReplyDeletegreat way to work with him! A lot of kids understand things better when they can see them. Thinking of myself as a kid!
ReplyDeleteI love this idea! We have one too that tries to spin the world around him. I think our son's comes from the eternal gaping hole in his soul left by being adopted. Love, love, love your blog.
ReplyDeleteMy kiddo and I had a really rough day. As I'm sitting here, he's finally asleep, I say a small prayer in my head for help and guidance in knowing how to deal with some nacissitic issues showing up with kiddo. And here I am. You are "busy" times a million, but I'm so thankful you take moments to share your life and parenting. You rock, Lindsey!
ReplyDelete