I don't normally post video/pictures of when my kids are triggered or doing rat @$$ crazy $#!%, mice booty silly poo-poo-face stuff associated with their trauma. Yet, after walking a couple of Moms through the "Curiosity" part of S.P.A.C.E"...when dealing with lying, THIS happened, and well I figured THIS would be a good time for me to practice what I preach, even if it didn't go well I videoed, and would not have shared....but since it did...well this might give a really hands on example of how to deal with Behavior/lying/sabotage/and the importance making it right.
Back Story.
(and whoops I do know I used my kids names, meh...)
We are in the throughs of showing our house and hopefully selling it so that we may move to greener pastures (literally)...we want land and animals.
So the big scary of a possible move , we have been talking the stuffing out of every single scenario, re-visiting anxiety;s (yes, your bed comes, and all of our the animals too, no the new people do not get your stuff)
Toss Daddy cleaning all of the carpets with a professional Carpet Cleaner, and it being birthday week, yup the perfect Storm has been a-brewing.
So no surprise here when I found lip-stick smeared all over my newly scrubbed tub this morning, and in my carpet, and in the living room, and in Diva's room. Awesomesauce.
Excuse the fingers blocking a good second half of this video, but I hope it gives a good example of this fine dance,(with ALL of the background insanity of a gazillion kiddo's) I even triggered her, but got her back after inviting her brother to help clean up as well...
For your viewing pleasure "Curiosity": (again sorry about the misplacement of fingers)
Next we You tubed cleaning options: This is a great way yo NOT trigger your kids,them getting "Fix it" or "Make it Right Advice" from someone OTHER THAN YOU...because if you trigger them, are they going to listen to your advice? But will they listen to a random stranger, more than likely. yes.
Making it right:
She didn't like it, she was sad, but she was also relieved, most of all because her birthday is tomorrow. At one point I went in and helped her, she was panicked that it was not coming out perfectly...and I grabbed that gorgeous little face and told her, "No matter what, no matter if it doesn't come out, no matter , maybe if you did do this to the carpet, when you go to bed tonight , i am making cup cakes, we are having your Princess Birthday party, you matter more than silly carpet."
and this, on a good day, when I have my crap together is how we roll Curiosity style. Yo.
By the way...later I discovered my dog, Wednesday was also a spectacularly familiar shade of "Very Berry" pink....awwwww cute, cute.
1. the branch of medical science that studies the symptoms of diseases. 2. the combined symptoms of a particular disease. Also called semeiology. — symptomatologic, symptomatological, adj.
In my home this boils down to the wacked out behavior that goes down in my children's efforts to communicate what it is that is upsetting them,what they are afraid of, or what they feel they do not have control over. To tell the truth we all have it, symptomatology I mean, ever gone to a Dr. Appointment for yourself and had to fill out one of these guys?They seem way to personal don't they? Mind your own Beez-wax Dr.Noseypants. But truth being, if we want help with our stuff, we have to talk about it, check the little boxes and admit that some sort of messy is front and center in our lives.
Both me and Trevor have obvious symptoms when the not O.K. is going on with us. I tend to first get Insomnia, then eat crap for energy, which then it is harder to sleep so I feed that with Netflix reruns of Scrubs. Trev tends to be all around grumpy and cuss out inanimate objects such as the Dishwasher that isn't doing a good enough job, or the car he just put gas in.Or he buries himself in ESPN, which I loving refer to as "Sports-Porn". If we get a handle on these things new ways of bad coping are willing and ready to take their place. As we, my family and my kids get better I am seeing this. The cake walk of symptoms.Trading one way of coping for another.
I am such a dink, sometimes. Once we have championed a certain behavior I can hear the Rocky theme music in my head, WE.HAVE.SUCCEEDED. I can hold the heavy weight champion belt of no more peeing on bedroom carpet over my head and do a touch down dance....and then four days later find 100 banana peels with fruit flies shoved under a dresser.
"Well hello big feelings THATS where you have been hiding, sneaky, sneaky."
Don't you ever just want to tell your kids with issues, a faulty belief system, behaviors that take gallons of vinegar to clean up just to "STOP IT?" Have you actually ever said these words? I know I have...and they have been about as effective as this therapy session we like to bring up as a reminder from MAD T.V.
The reason I am finding banana peels in loo of pee. Me eating chocolate by the fist fulls instead of being on Facebook 24/7. Is that there still is something there that needs loving attention and to be addressed. If the power goes out, we light a candle. We have to go deeper. We have to get that the cake walk music is still playing.
Yesterday while I was listening to NRP radio ( because why not out my self as the complete geek that I am) they were holding a discussion on how we are failing to rate actual success in the classroom, and that in fact all of this academic testing is not the best gauge of how well children do in having complete successful lives. They said that the most influential thing that they found in Children that would move on to be Successful adults was these Non-Cognitive Skills that can be taught and improved in a classroom, but for the most part are shaped and molded by family, spirituality.....and happiness.
The way they gauge success was not only financial and occupational, but also relationship and family success. I have always deeply believed this.As important as academia is, true character skills are what will serve all of us in this very human experience.
When sitting in a meeting with Chatters teacher and school principle 2 years ago as I was signing the papers to un-admit her they stood there taking my decision for my child personally.
"But she was learning, and catching up"
"Don't you want her to be smart"
"Her test scores....."
and in that moment I turned and looked at them and said," If we stay on this path she will be the smartest psycho-path in town, with no friends, no family no way of actually connecting with the people in her life that love her, and if she does not learn how to read until she is ten, but I have taught her to have empathy and give a genuine hug and trust me, I am good with that."
(I am not saying school is not the answer, some kids attach better and are less triggered in the school environment than at home)
What I am saying, is my former opinion to hurry them along, push, push push the Cognitive learning and trying to supplement the Character development here and there has changed. I myself am changing out that bulls eye from their brains, to their hearts.
Just yesterday, I saw this and kept tears from dripping off of my chin. We had watched a documentary on corn, it was interesting I even learned where my beloved Xanthum Gum came from. So we got our learning on, talked about what we found the most interesting and then I herded everyone into the kitchen for a snack. I had planned air popped popcorn, to go along with our little documentary, so we chatted about heat, and kernels, still learning as we went. I carefully scooped the same amount of pop-corn into 8 bowls. As the kids took their bowls and went to sit at the table, Scooby tripped and sent his Pop-Corn flying everywhere.
All of the kids stopped munching, and as Scoobs burst into tears, I simply asked "What would be the kind thing to do right now?"
Like a gun shot, all seven kids burst from the table, in seconds flat all of Scoobs popcorn was retrieved. As they all settled back to their munching, Cookie (whom has some of the severest food issues) kindly Asked "Hey Scooby, do you still feel like you have the same amount as everybody,cuz I can give you some of mine?"
"No I'm good, but thanks buddy."
~INSERT ROCKY SOUNDTRACK MUSIC~
We all live in this life of wax and wane. Trading new habits, coping and even symptoms in for something else that 'might' take the pressure off. Even though my stuff may not be as severe as what my kids need to do to show me they are not O.K., I do it too. We are all sitting here healing and failing together. The better I am , the stronger I am to help my kids.
The more boundaries I use in a healthy way, the better I am at helping them.
The more self care and vocalizing when I feel over whelmed instead of stomping off, they can to.
When I simply state "I am sad, I need a hug", they can too.
Symptoms, Behaviors, they say something...they may change, they may go away for a little while or trade in for something else....but there is still healing, there is still seeing there is still listening to be done....
Oh, and for the kids too....
