Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The gifts Trauma has given me....

These thin lines…

I used to think things were black and white, the gray was where you did not want to get caught up in…so stay on the white and everything will be Alright….that was what living in Anglo Saxon America had taught me. What I understood was expected of me… what would keep me good and safe.

I still believe in doing what’s right, in choosing what is kind and good…But sometimes the lines get crossed , the gray is where you find truth and in reality good intentions can have devastating results…because sometimes “doing what’s right” comes from a moral opinion, but not TRUTH.

Sometimes us do gooders, those of us that are about saving the world, try to save things and people that don’t want to be saved…

I have learned so much in the last two years.
What is important, what is not, redeeming pieces of myself I had to leave along the way, I am finding my way back to me out of the Trauma that has sucked so much of who I am out . Trauma will take everything, if you let it.
I have lost people, relationships, traditions, expectations, definitions and a lot of “itions” that don’t add up to the importance of what we are doing in our home.

Trauma has also given me these incredible gifts. Gifts of understanding more deeply, Loving more than hoarding, listening more than speaking.  I have been praying more than asking. Receiving, more than expecting ,growing more than receding, forgiving more than judging.

After reading, learning, attending, and delving into the depths of Trauma, brain workings, and attachment…I can forgive, understand, release and let go of much of the times people, family, parents have hurt me, or each other. I can see inner workings of loss, attachment, and trauma and the multitude of lifes hard knocks that resulted in the most damaging kind of relationships, between parent and child, sister and brother.

We all are neighborhoods, cities, states, and whole countries of these faulted people.

Trauma makes me want to love harder, let more go, forgive completely and concentrate my love, my power for good things on healing, forgiving and not continuing a cycle.

I still believe in good, I still see evidence of evil…but I also see so very much we can all do in pure forgiveness, love and understanding.

I used to think I knew and understood so very much…
Now with each new passing day, I am amazed at how little I understood before, and how much more I have yet to learn, forgive and take in…


  1. Beautiful post, Lindsay. Good to keep in mind on the hard days - that there is lots of good to come out of it all. How are things in your life right now? I know the thing with your baby Faith is heating up a bit, but are things settling down now that Papillion isn't part of the daily thing? Hoping yes. Sending love and prayers your way!

  2. Jeff and I were just talking about this last week.... the more we learn....

  3. With tears, deep love, and utmost admiration and complete understanding and agreement, I give you a standing ovation for this one. THIS is why we keep going. THIS is why our children aren't our greatest burden. THIS is why hurt kids don't ruin our lives...but rather bless it with heaven's richest blessing if we just allow ourselves to get down and get dirty and stop fighting this precious gift, a gift more priceless that rubies, that just happens to be wrapped in a ripped up, peed on, spit on, moldy old package.

  4. Big "Amen!" and ditto to everything Diana said.

  5. The oddest thing. We Catholics believe in the Communion of Saints - the idea that all of us believers, living an dead, are bound together and made One in the love of Christ. That's why we "pray" to saints.... It is not properly "asking" them for the help that you should ask God for, but in a sense asking them for the support that you'd ask from a friend - which would include their prayers to the Father, their love, their understanding and their example.

    Today as I prayed and struggled and oh-do-earnestly asked that Anastasia - it was first Mary, Mother of God I went to for support - and then (honestly it occurred to me that with a child like JESUS - how could SHE understand!?) it was you! Really, I nearly said out loud, Lindsay, Pray for Me! Immediately, I felt like I must need to be drummed right out of my religious education job, but then the truth of the Communion of Saints came to my mind and the sureness of your loving support and understanding. So, I didn't feel guilty, not one little bit! Even the great saints were just people, with faults, too! Only worthy of imitation.

    You, dear one, are a saint to me. Somehow this very understanding post was a sort of confirmation of my wisdom in seeing you as such.

  6. Diana, I'm not there yet. I am definitely not feeling blessed by my sons right now. Maybe I'll get there, but I'm not sure I want to. I might need to use your comment to reflect on a little further on my blog later.

  7. Oh How I love each one of you...Annie, you have no idea, how deeply faulted I am...and how very much your comment touches me...we are all soul sisters in this battles for our children's souls...I do so very much know how it feels to be in the constant barracks, and I do pray for you so very very much...and you made me sob with hope and love...I am so blessed by the women around me.

    Sweet Hannah (I will post this on your blog as well) don't have to be here, especially if you don't want to be....weeks ago I was calling Trauma $#!^^%...and I most likely will go back to feeling that way again, over and over again...I am so desperately human.

    Remember a couple months ago, I told Christine to "SHUT UP"...when she wrote a post about slowing down and enjoying the have my full blown permission to tell me to "Shut up" anytime you need to...consider it a "get out of jail card/I will love you no matter what card".
    I had a horrific day yesterday regarding baby Faith, my heart was breaking open with the conflict and pain that is about to occur. I picked up a book another Trauma Mama had loaned me at my children's therapist office....

    What I read, had touched me so deeply, waves of forgiveness for my parents, my parents parents, the pain I had shouldered simply by being born out of cycles of neglect, selfishness and pain, lifted, and my heart was so full.
    Losing and letting go of Papillion, was either going to break me or make me stronger, there are days the jury is still out...
    I. LOVE. YOU. Hannah Rae. You are a phenomenal Mother and person...there is so much that you teach me, so very many qualities you have that I lack...when you are ready, if you want, you might get to this part in the road,I know I will have giant steps backwards...and not feel this way...
    but the fact that I did, makes me know I can get back here...and when it is time...we are on HIS timeline...LOVE YOU...

  8. Annie,

    That is the most touching way of explaining that part of the catholic faith that I've never understood. Seriously.

    I am so blessed to have all of you in my community. I consider this www thing a miracle some days.

    Lindsay, STOP MAKING ME CRY! :)

  9. Hi Lindsay,
    I am new to your blog via Christine's blog and wanted to just give you a cyber pat on the back/hug for the awesome job you are doing with your children--and the way you are ministering to others via the blog!
    Though you don't know me, I have been reading similar blogs for about a year or so now and despite not having children of my own (my life's biggest regret/sorrow) I was diagnosed about a year ago as having unresolved attachment issues myself as an adult. I have a history of trauma (sexual abuse throughout childhood by a family member) as well as abandonment issues and am a college educated person yet I had no idea that some of the symptoms I was experiencing had to do with trauma in my past. This is going to sound strange but sometimes, reading how lovingly ohters parent their children, how they BELIEVE the child's pain and allow them to give it a VOICE, comforts me. Maybe that's a selfish reason to read a blog--even though it's not the only reason! (I also have an interest in adoption...)
    Anyway, just wanted to say your blog is great and you and your family are awesome! Lori