The day my son tried to Blow us up, for the Second time....

Traumaversaries...are something parents, victims and therapists in the trauma world reference when talking about a day, season, or time of year where someone is more than usually triggered,acting out or even plagued with anxiety attacks or some other odd health phenomena.

IT.IS.REAL.

Don't ya'll remember the Greys Anatomy episode when a woman came in with a heart attack, that ended up being an extreme anxiety attack...that happened on that day, as they discovered every year, for the last 5 years, on the same day that her lover died?

Yeah, like that...but not.
Because it doesn't wrap in a syndicated one hour episode, with McDreamy patting me on the shoulder and telling me everything is going to be O.K....it doesn't end with knowing at all if it is going to be O.K....so I am going to throw A LOT of love, compassion,faith, hope, understanding and everything else I have at this...

Today I posted this little cheery Facebook update....not really feeling cheerful, or happy about the prospect of a new heater...but you know” trying to make the best out of a rough situation”...

Today, after the Furnace guy fixed 'Frankenstein' (yes we name our cars and appliances we are thoooose weirdo people), the Furnace dude showed me the broken piece, he gently mentioned that was so random a piece to be  broken the way it was... and then added these words.

“Funny, I looked up the books and same thing, same piece same thing happened the same day last year.”

Whaaaaaaaa...wait a minute...and then pieces of the last few days began to fit, one of mine has been COMPETLY off...the quiet one....the one that has the storm brewing with in...
The one every second of everyday for the last 3 days has been wonky times a million....

.....and when I go back and read last years emails, last years messages...I see a pattern, you know, cuz a mini base ball bat that is stuck in a Furnace and breaks off spokes and makes the rotation go off can create a fire....happening twice, on the same day, one year apart...BOOOOM.

HOUSTON we have a problem....

So after I signed the “yes bill me later, yeah the dude did the work” paper and got the pink copy of it.

(I do believe that is the technical term)

I cried a little in the hallway, face palmed in the “last year, same time” of it all. I took a big,fat.breath.

I went to my boy.
I promised him before we even had the talk....

*that I already knew and had forgiven him.
* that he would not get in trouble.
* that no one would spank him
* that no one would call the police
*that I still loved him
*that I was not getting rid of him
* that I was going to help him try harder to keep his boundaries
*that it really was going to be O.K.

I said these things while my chest squeezed and panic filled it, because I had a hard time believing my words.
Can I help him enough?
Is it really going to be OK?

Traumaversaries are the things that go bump in the night and make you question EVERYTHING...because you are living them, right then, and that is all you see or feel and Perspective is that 20 year old body, you don't even remember having.

I held his face. I helped him with words.
He shared some words that scared the ba-jebbers out of me, true, feeling words.
Like: “I really wanted to blow everyone up, especially you Mamma,."

" How can you forgive me for that?”
“Uh, O.K. Wow, those are some pretty big feelings, no matter what it is my job to love you and keep all of us safe.......and ect.”
He cried, tears came out of everywhere. I hugged him.
We both were snot dripping messes when it was all said and done.

He ended with...

“Mom I only sometimes want you dead. But then if your were dead, who would I ask to help me cuz you were dead? I know I told you I don't love you and maybe sometimes that is true, but sometimes it isn't.”

“I will love you enough for both of us when it is too much and too hard for you.”

We put more boundaries in place, NOT COINCEQUNCES...but boundaries..explaining he wasn't in trouble, but he needs help keeping his brain and hands in places he won't feel bad about later...you know, like not blowing up the entire family.....

The hard thing is he doesn't know why February 6^th, 7^th and 8^th are such hard dates for him, we might never know why, will we be prepared next year? You betcha...Will these days be starred and perhaps we will be out of town? You can count on it...


and now, I will go snuggle a baby, and a puppy at the same time, and have a good cleansing cry....I will mourn with my boy the broken parts that these dates have cost him,what it costs all of us.....

...oh yeah, and I am going to be grateful, you know that I am not blown up, that soooo would have made my day worse.