How we roll...with "Curiosity"

I don't normally post video/pictures of when my kids are triggered or doing rat @$$ crazy $#!%, mice booty silly poo-poo-face stuff associated with their trauma. Yet, after walking a couple of Moms through the "Curiosity" part of S.P.A.C.E"...when dealing with lying, THIS happened, and well I figured THIS would be a good time for me to practice what I preach, even if it didn't go well I videoed, and would not have shared....but since it did...well this might give a really hands on example of how to deal with Behavior/lying/sabotage/and the importance making it right.

Back Story.
(and whoops I do know I used my kids names, meh...)
We are in the throughs of showing our house and hopefully selling it so that we may move to greener pastures (literally)...we want land and animals.
So the big scary of a possible move , we have been talking the stuffing out of every single scenario, re-visiting anxiety;s (yes, your bed comes, and all of our the animals too, no the new people do not get your stuff)
Toss Daddy cleaning all of the carpets with a professional Carpet Cleaner, and it being birthday week, yup the perfect Storm has been a-brewing.

So no surprise here when I found lip-stick smeared all over my newly scrubbed tub this morning, and in my carpet, and in the living room, and in Diva's room. Awesomesauce.

Excuse the fingers blocking a good second half of this video, but I hope it gives a good example of this fine dance,(with ALL of the background insanity of a gazillion kiddo's) I even triggered her, but got her back after inviting her brother to help clean up as well...
For your viewing pleasure "Curiosity": (again sorry about the misplacement of fingers)


                                    

Next we You tubed cleaning options: This is a great way yo NOT trigger your kids,them getting "Fix it" or "Make it Right Advice" from someone OTHER THAN YOU...because if you trigger them, are they going to listen to your advice? But will they listen to a random stranger, more than likely. yes.

                                 
                                    Making it right:
                                
She didn't like it, she was sad, but she was also relieved, most of all because her birthday is tomorrow. At one point I went in and helped her, she was panicked that it was not coming out perfectly...and I grabbed that gorgeous little face and told her, "No matter what, no matter if it doesn't come out, no matter , maybe if you did do this to the carpet, when you go to bed tonight , i am making cup cakes, we are having your Princess  Birthday party, you matter more than silly carpet."
and this, on a good day, when I have my crap together is how we roll Curiosity style. Yo.

By the way...later I discovered my dog, Wednesday was also a spectacularly familiar shade of "Very Berry" pink....awwwww cute, cute.

symp·to·ma·tol·o·gy

symptomatology

1. the branch of medical science that studies the symptoms of diseases.
2. the combined symptoms of a particular disease. Also called semeiology. — symptomatologic, symptomatological, adj.

In my home this boils down to the wacked out behavior that goes down in my children's efforts to communicate what it is that is upsetting them,what they are afraid of, or what they feel they do not have control over.
To tell the truth we all have it, symptomatology I mean, ever gone to a Dr. Appointment for yourself and had to fill out one of these guys?They seem way to personal don't they? Mind your own Beez-wax Dr.Noseypants. But truth being, if we want help with our stuff, we have to talk about it, check the little boxes and admit that some sort of messy is front and center in our lives.

Both me and Trevor have obvious symptoms when the not O.K. is going on with us. I tend to first get Insomnia, then eat crap for energy, which then it is harder to sleep so  I feed that with Netflix reruns of Scrubs. Trev tends to be all around grumpy and cuss out inanimate objects such as the Dishwasher that isn't doing a good enough job, or the car he just put gas in.Or he buries himself in ESPN, which I loving refer to as "Sports-Porn". If we get a handle on these things new ways of bad coping are willing and ready to take their place. As we, my family and my kids get better I am seeing this. The cake walk of symptoms.Trading one way of coping for another.

I am such a dink, sometimes. Once we have championed a certain behavior I can hear the Rocky theme music in my head, WE.HAVE.SUCCEEDED. I can hold the heavy weight champion belt of no more peeing on bedroom carpet over my head and do a touch down dance....and then four days later find 100 banana peels with fruit flies shoved under a dresser.
"Well hello big feelings THATS where you have been hiding, sneaky, sneaky."

Don't you ever just want to tell your kids with issues, a faulty belief system, behaviors that take gallons of vinegar to clean up just to "STOP IT?" Have you actually ever said these words? I know I have...and they have been about as effective as this therapy session we like to bring up as a reminder from MAD T.V.

                                  

The reason I am finding banana peels in loo of pee. Me eating chocolate by the fist fulls instead of being on Facebook 24/7. Is that there still is something there that needs loving attention and to be addressed. If the power goes out, we light a candle. We have to go deeper. We have to get that the cake walk music is still playing.
Yesterday while I was listening to NRP radio ( because why not out my self as the complete geek that I am) they were holding a discussion on how we are failing to rate actual success in the classroom, and that in fact all of this academic testing is not the best gauge of how well children do in having complete successful lives. They said that the most influential thing that they found in Children that would move on to be Successful adults was these Non-Cognitive Skills that can be taught and improved in a classroom, but for the most part are shaped and molded by family, spirituality.....and happiness.

The way they gauge success was not only financial and occupational, but also relationship and family success. I have always deeply believed this.As important as academia is, true character skills are what will serve all of us in this very human experience.
When sitting in a meeting with Chatters teacher and school principle 2 years ago as I was signing the papers to un-admit her they stood there taking my decision for my child personally.
"But she was learning, and catching up"
"Don't you want her to be smart"
"Her test scores....."

and in that moment I turned and looked at them and said," If we stay on this path she will be the smartest psycho-path in town, with no friends, no family no way of actually connecting with the people in her life that love her, and if she does not learn how to read until she is ten, but I have taught her to have empathy and give a genuine hug and trust me, I am good with that."

(I am not saying school is not the answer, some kids attach better and are less triggered in the school environment than at home)

What I am saying, is my former opinion to hurry them along, push, push push the Cognitive learning and trying to supplement the Character development here and there has changed. I myself am changing out that bulls eye from their brains, to their hearts.

Just yesterday, I saw this and kept tears from dripping off of my chin. We had watched a documentary on corn, it was interesting I even learned where my beloved Xanthum Gum came from. So we got our learning on, talked about what we found the most interesting and then I herded everyone into the kitchen for a snack. I had planned air popped popcorn, to go along with our little documentary, so we chatted about heat, and kernels, still learning as we went. I carefully scooped the same amount of pop-corn into 8 bowls. As the kids took their bowls and went to sit at the table, Scooby tripped and sent his Pop-Corn flying everywhere.
All of the kids stopped munching, and as Scoobs burst into tears, I simply asked "What would be the kind thing to do right now?"
Like a gun shot, all seven kids burst from the table, in seconds flat all of Scoobs popcorn was retrieved. As they all settled back to their munching, Cookie (whom has some of the severest food issues) kindly Asked "Hey Scooby, do you still feel like you have the same amount as everybody,cuz I can give you some of mine?"
"No I'm good, but thanks buddy."

~INSERT ROCKY SOUNDTRACK MUSIC~

We all live in this life of wax and wane. Trading new habits, coping and even symptoms in for something else that 'might' take the pressure off. Even though my stuff may not be as severe as what my kids need to do to show me they are not O.K., I do it too. We are all sitting here healing and failing together. The better I am , the stronger I am to help my kids.

The more boundaries I use in a healthy way, the better I am at helping them.
The more self care and vocalizing when I feel over whelmed instead of stomping off, they can to.
When I simply state "I am sad, I need a hug", they can too.

Symptoms, Behaviors, they say something...they may change, they may go away for a little while or trade in for something else....but there is still healing, there is still seeing there is still listening to be done....
Oh, and for the kids too....

Choosing the Good, MORE than the Bad...

I don't really know where this post is going, stay with me, hop on if you want, but I have had these thoughts  twirling around in my head and I need to sleep, so hence the viral word urp.

I use this phrase a lot,  "Were you Choosing the Good, More than the Bad?"....I mean a lota lota lota lot, with my kids, along with "so tell me 'How did that work for you?"
I can use both of these phrases with Empathy, without shame, and taking myself out of the situation, they are used for pure reflection and not for shaming.If I or they are incapable of this conversation going well, we wait.(I wait a lot, mostly for me, and my empathy to replace the oozing sarcasm before I open my trap.)

'Most' people/kids "get" that our choices create the reality we live in. Sure some are circumstantial, but our choices say a lot about the life that we live/want/have.Even then we all sometimes forget that, and fall into victim mode.

But we can, and will snap out of it, with the strength, perspective (a really good therapist) and past experience that says "good can be just around the corner", and majority of the time we can be the creators of that good.

My kids can't.
They can't.
They are learning to, but this thought process, this "good around the corner", or simple "if I do good, good things will happen, if I do bad...ect....
not.in.their.capability.
Yet.

You see we all have this even keel place inside us that let's us know, "this is good', "this is safe', "this is my normal", it looks different for all of us, for example my "normal" would be HELL for say Paris Hilton, but Heaven for a woman living in a tent in a third world country.
I have to remember that when I look at my kids.
For me my experience is, "occasionally showered, solid 5ish hours of sleep, dishes done, and chocolate in my fridge, and no one smearing pooh on the wall as a damn near perfect day."
I have things that I know will make me feel better, like exercise, a shower and dressing in something other than my yoga pants, eating whole foods instead of junk ect, can bump that day on up. Those are my "Good" for me choices"...and the days I choose to not do that, and eat Doritos and Ice Cream 3 square meals in a row, and veg in front of some screen 15 hours a day,BUT, at some point I am capable of pull myself up by the boot straps and begin again.
My kids can't, yet.

Because their "even keel" their experience and gauge for normal is NOT mine.

Their normal (just because they have lived with me for what feels like FOR-EV-ER) is not what is sitting in front of them, their experience of what "normal " is, being hungry, no one caring about them as an individual, having to take care of themselves by any means possible, getting hurt, being used, not being seen.
So I must make them feel uncomfortable, every single day. Crap.
I am screwing with their "normal",and though we will all say "GOOD, cuz their normal is MESSED UP."
It is their foundation of what they can trust , they are alive after all right?
"Why do abused women go back to their abuser?"
"Why do alcoholics take that first drink after being sober?"
"Why do we gain the weight back?"
Familiarity.

My Children are not liars, they do not steal, hurt, act out, sabotage special days, destroy or urinate on everything (and I mean everything) because they 'like to', just like my toddler Baby Faith uses Singing the Sunshine Song to sucker me out of my M&M's, these behaviors too is how they learned to get what they needed to survive. It is not a character flaw, their behaviors are instinctive HABITS.

Like biting nails, popping zits, over eating, over of viewing pornography, alcoholism, prescription drug abuse,....oh wait,  did I JUST take habits and turn them into addictions. Yep, I think she did.

My kids naturally lean toward what is not healthy for them, NATURALLY. It is their first instinct when a choice comes up for them to make, "should I hand my brother his special paper I am holding and make sure he receives it a non-crumpled way, so he feels good about it", or "Should I crumple it up, spit on it and goad him to beating the tar out of me?....Ding-ding-ding wina-winna-WINNER....In fact the first thought wasn't even there, not until we stop, process what happened and I give an example of the two , do they even recognize there was another choice. In evaluation (while applying a wet towel to scratch inflicted when said brother acted like a rabid mountain lion) "how did that work for you buddy?" "Not good", "Which choice do you think might have worked better? Were you choosing the Good more than the Bad? "

That is what we work on everyday. Seeking that second choice, there always is one....and sometimes it is a devil to find. I too struggle, what is the second choice when deciding to eat that 2nd ( or 3rd) piece of cake? Or buying that something I really want but cannot afford...
None of us are capable of always choosing the Good, or the Better over the Not-so-good- or bad. We work on it.

With my babies I have to respect that tendency towards Chaos, It is not simply  just "choosing the Good", the bad and chaos is ALWAYS going to be there, much like a built in addiction such as Alcoholism, they are going to tend toward that Chaos first and there is NOTHING I can do to rewire that for them, but, I can give them tools, the power to use them and help remind, process and revamp when and if they will let me.

I have lost specific children permanently to the addiction to chaos that trauma creates, I routinely have children get stuck and have to sober them up again. Most of the choice is truly theirs, they just have to know that there is more than one choice.
It seems so simple. Doesn't it?
But, if you know someone struggling with a "Behavior/Habit/Addiction", we all know how simple it is to say "STOP IT"...and where they can't even begin to know HOW, instead we might try, "Try choosing this instead." It is choosing something else MORE, choosing Good, more, because we are human and automatically what is Bad for us is just sitting there waiting.

This is a tool I can use with my Oldest Daughter not healthy enough to live in my home over drug use, or unprotected sex. What that Choosing the Good more than the Bad? How did that work for you?
(ugh)
or my three year old:
Bummer you peed on your pillow, and now you don't have a pillow to sleep on.
Was that Choosing the Good more than Bad? How did that work for you?
(ugh, ugh, and ugggg)
....and husbands, it really works on husbands, with no trauma at all. ;0)
"Oh you took a nap instead of helping with the dishes".... (yuk, yuk, yuk...)

Anywho, that is what I have been thinking about lately. Habits and Behaviors really being different words for possibly what Addiction is, and how to help my children break down and process their very own cycles, and recognizing the choices that lie there within themselves.
Thoughts?

Passion

All.of.the.time. I hear:

“I  just don't know how you “DO IT”.

What 'they' don't realize that they are talking/asking about are my passions:
Parenting 9 children

6 children with severe physical, emotional, behavioral special needs

Eating and Cooking Healthy

Regular Exercise

Doula Work

Service in my Community and Church

Baking/ Catering for Special events

Homeschooling

Foster parenting

Jewelry making

Living with a Chronic Illness

Moonlight as a photographer

Be Positive when things are hard

Talking/blogging Openly about Mental illness or my kids challenges

Decorating, re-purposing and Painting things all. of. the. time.

Gardening and sharing

Recipe and Food Blogging

Traveling at any chance I get

Hula Hooping/Gratitude/Meditation and Prayer Practice daily

Working for a Non-Profit in Haiti as a Sponsorship Coordinator for Sionfonds.

Let's be clear, some days I don't. I stop.I stay in bed, let my husband take over....run away, online shop, nap and use other things to not “do” some of the harder things in my life....I take breaks, lounge on facebook, watch crappy television and eat Doritos. Throw pity parties when I am sick, or my children or someone else has hurt me, pout and emotionally shop, get snarky and complain,whine , I overeat, rant and rave when things don't go my way...I am so very extraordinarily human.

But I also will admit, I do “do” a lot of things....

My husband just recently took up Skateboarding. I could say “again” because sometime in his teens, he did “skate” (so he tells me) and was “totally good” in his youth...but lets be honest two teenage life times lay between him and that “totally awesome “skater dude”he once was.
Though I tease him, and openly threaten if he breaks anything, he won't get any pity from me...silently I am cheering him on, finding time in the day that he can sneak away. I love the idea of my button up, mid thirties, daddy to nine therapist hubbie,is hangin' at the Skate park, and not being thwarted by the teens and others craning their necks at the sight of him landing on his hind parts over and over again. He Rocks my Socks.

Be still my inner teenage girl heart.
I married a Rock star skater boy. Avril Lavigne would be so proud.

At night after a long day, after he has helped people with their problems, anxieties and addictions....oh and he does that at work too folks, he picks up his guitar and chats with me between cords. Sometimes I am hooping, sometimes my patience wanes and I scream like a banshee call sweetly that I could use some help with something/children/dishes/a live polar bear.....but deep down, I love it. I love the things that keep him going. Whether it be, his Faith, Music, Job, Family, Me and even Skateboarding...I love his Passions.

I think along the way we let those go.
I get it, my cow! There are things like bills, mortgages...Dr. Appointments....but if you are waiting to pick something up again....or maybe learn how to play that piano at 45...right now could be the exact time to do it. Seriously.

The other day my friend Cathy posted this on her Facebook wall.

It made me stop, think, and smile. Story of my life sister.

I think often I am judged for having too full of a plate. This is not new. I remember once as a kid I went to a buffet with my grandparents...my grandpa laughed at my overly full plate saying “kid, don't you know you can go back as many times as you want”...my answer was “Yes, but I'm afraid I won't remember that I thought it looked good the first time, and what if I am too full, or don't have time...” I wanted to experience everything "now" and somehow had found room on my plate for it.

Life is so wonderful, chalk full of opportunities, things to do, go out an learn and experience. Just because it is hard, weighing, exhausting, heartbreaking and unfair too, does not give us reason to give up on our passions...it should make us seek them more, and in so doing find a little respite from the pitfalls and or land mines that find all of us.

I have a lot of HARD. I will be the first to admit....my pitfalls and roadblocks are sometimes mountains and canyons that look and feel impossible. Maybe that too is my excuse for my excessive need for Passions.

I am passionate about my relationship with God, my family, all of my earthly brothers and sisters,

what my purpose, my journey, my life lessons are and how I can help manifest them.

I am passionate about healing, physical and emotional growth for myself and everyone.

I passionate about growing and cooking healthy, fun, delicious food and sharing it.
I am passionate about Orphans and Haiti, passionate about my fellow Earthly brothers and sisters receiving education, food and medical care.

I am passionate about my children, each and everyone, and what their loves and likes, fears and the passions that too will drive them.

I am passionate about the miracle of life and helping women bring beautiful babies into the world, witnessing that promise of creation that reminds me life and everything after that is a gift
I am passionate about women in general,knowing their infinate worth and helping them know they are not alone in parenting, hard relationships,past or present abuse that their beauty and presence is vital and a gift.

I am passionate about living a true life, of honesty, living my religion, health, compassion, service and acceptance.

I am passionate about art, color, learning, beauty,movement and my need to be apart of it.

I am told there is a time and a season for things...YES. Yes there are. There are things still with my family's healing that are not possibilities right now...but I like to concentrate on not what is “Not Possible” right now...but on“What insane thing I have been itching to do can I fit in here", what worry, stressful thing, grudge, or roadblock that even I have created can I move over and put this passion right in it's place.

Life is short, it also is long and hard and needs joy and purpose even in the barracks of war, pain and loss. My Passion's have come to me, some with me from the moment I began, some as I have evolved and surrounded myself with more, more of everything, and not being afraid when the answer was 'yes' and even less ashamed when it was 'No'.

Yesterday was my 33^rd birthday ( I am told I am a young'un) ...but man have my 33 big ones been chalk full. As I lay in bed with my hot-therapisty-rockstar-skater-dude-baby-daddy, he asked me,"How do you feel about  33 is it good for you?" And with honest tears in my eyes, feeling nauseous from bad sushi and worn out from a day of therapeutically kicking parenting ass...I answered “I love it, I love it all, there is not a thing I would wish different about me and our life. I love being me,It is monstrously hard some days, but I don't wish any of it away, I love what I get to do, and am so very excited to see what is going to happen next."

And.I.meant.it.

I am passionate about my life.

That does not make it easy, give me more sleep, or make things fair.

But it does make it all so very worth it...

What are you passionate about?

What have you been waiting on?

Is it time?

What can you move over, or simply say good bye to, to make that room?

 .......Go, go be passionate.....

It's about Forgiveness.

The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.                           Marianne Williamson

Don Henley has been haunting my  head with these lyrics for the past 4 days.
"I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness."

In this years multitude of resolutions, my quest to continue in my practicing gratitude (my inspiration being glorious Alicia), I added a bugger of a challenge. To also actively practice "Forgiveness aka the art of letting things go"...and good crap I apparently don't like to do that, (NOT-AT-ALL) I like to hoard my feelings for a rainy day, so when that day comes all the misery of my life can be played again and again like an old time slide show. Equip with a trusty side of junk food, my pity parties indulge my entire need to self destruct including Doritos, Ben and Jerry are invited, and of coarse my trusty sweat pants, protecting myself by putting the world between me and my bed covers. I revel in my hurt and roll around in it for a while. Healthy, right? Yup, that's me,  work-in-ever-lovn'-progress.

If I have any chance at all of helping my children heal, learn these arts and practices of both gratitude and forgiveness, my arse better be in shape,so as much as I sucktasically fail at doing much of either thing I am 'trying' to practice that of which I teach. UGH.

 So I went to Vegas.
Cause you know it's the place to go for Inner Peace and absolution, right?

 But I really did, with my two baby (*cough* they prefer "younger") brothers in tow to visit our biological Father.

You see, we for a short time were raised by both him and our mother, together until their marriage collapsed with us three at ages of 7,6,and 3 caught in the cross fires. It was ugly, hard and difficult for everyone involved, much like many children of divorce and broken homes could testify. He moved far, far away and visits were limited.  I know our story is not rare, there a specifics too private to share, but lets just say in the wake lay trauma, lots, and lots of trauma.

Do I ever question my parents choice to divorce? Never. I wouldn't be the person I am with out every exact moment that has led me and my siblings to who we are...and not to toot, whoot, or blow my own horn, but we three are fantastic people.

We have shared losses, and trauma, protected one another from abuse and taken the brunt in turn. We came out on the end of a childhood and adolescence together scared and world wise, but most of all together. For the most part, despite our Fathers best of intentions, he was unable to protect, be a part of or emotionally support much of our growing up years, you see as his right was, he started life a new, with a new wife and children. There is still pockets of loss I have felt in lacking the relationship I wished I could have had. Cynically rolling my eyes at the song "Butterfly Kisses", hating movies with "Father/Daughter" tear jerking scenes...because being angry at them, thinking them sappy and ridiculous, covered my pain, and yes, even jealousy towards our Father and his other family.

As the years have passed, visits had been on behalf of Funerals, and occasional Weddings.Then as a grown woman and adult, in my own marriage, and motherhood set in, I began to let the loss create anger, and judgement, hiding the hurt, of what I felt he was missing, the best parts of me,within my children.

I gave that hurt and resentment free rent inside part of my heart for years.
As I have grown older (oy) and wiser (debatable) , I have learned, in order to fit certain things in your heart you have to kick out some of those old tenants that are no longer doing anything for you but messing things up and making way more noise than peace.

So after a bi-annual phone call on Fathers Day, I shocked myself into an idea, a sibling trip to visit my Father and Step Mother....just.us.three.kids.
and so we did.

It was special, he made so many efforts to ensure we had an incredible time. No huge life altering conversations, but time was spent, laughter was present, healing took place. Boundaries were kept.
I think sometimes we confuse "letting things go", forgiving as forgetting and putting ourselves at harm. That is the beauty of boundaries, they are the catchall for how far it is safe for us to go without getting hurt.
Much like my INSANE, debilitating fear of heights (imagine crying, puking,shaking mess)...we went to the new bridge over Hoover Dam, the height is indescribable...I had the option to walk on the bridge or wait, tentatively. I decided to "do it", BUT, 90% of the time I held onto  the outside wall holding fast to the concrete side where I could not see the distance between me and the bottom. Only when breathing deep and making the decision to cross did I, and when I was ready returning to the safer, more stable side, and on that day, I let go of some of that debilitating fear, on my terms.


Within my boundaries, I accepted the relationship my Dad has to offer with open arms, letting in that redefine my expectations and past hurts that were mucking up any hope of anything healthy. I moved much out of my heart this weekend, and surprisingly the old resentment of "what it can't and won't ever be", made room for someone new, "acceptance for what is".I think I may let them stay.

In that same apartment building in my heart, there are some other rascally tenets that are having an eviction notice signed as we speak. Sometimes our forgiveness needs isn't for one specific individual, but an experience, and all encompassing 'thing' that slowly eats us up, and knocks us around a bit. For me this 'thing' has been the Quintessential of the early 1990's "Guns and Roses" hotel guests of my heart. My inability to safely bare and deliver children naturally.

You know me the freaky, all natural, organic when possible,essential oil using, free ranging my chickens in my suburbian backyard chick....well I am having to learn to forgive myself, my body,the Universe and even God for not allowing me the gift and experience of safe, natural pregnancy and child birth. It is something I have mourned and been so very sad over. I may sound like a gluttonous-baby-hoarder, good crap I have 10 children, Right?!? I should shut my ever-living-yapper. Understand I have so much gratitude for ALL of my babies,and the beautiful ways they have entered my home. But, truths, of truths, as many true honest adoptive mother would tell you. I wish I had been able to give birth to each and everyone of my children, sparing both them and I loss and pain.At times I wish I alone could carry their story with them, from the beginning. Selfish? Maybe, but after multiple, and I mean M-U-L-T-I-P-L-E, miscarriages and pregnancy losses, I still do sometimes wish I had the sacred opportunity to carry and give life without hoards of I.V's, feeding tubes, constant stress tests/Ultra Sounds, though those modern day things saved both me and my children's lives repeatedly.  I wanted an at-home water birth, with a Doula and Midwife. I ended up with hoards of Dr.'s and Nurses, tubes every where and two miracle babies of myself and my husband, and eight Miracle babies of other warrior women, whom I am blessed to share our children's stories with.


 In this forgiveness for myself, and absolute belief that women in their beauty and strength to create and sustain life, should have the right and option to have the birth experience they wish to have (the one I was denied due to my high risk) I am seeking my healing by becoming what I lacked. My passion for natural childbirth, respecting and advocating a mothers wishes has evolved in my passion to become  Doula certified.
As this journey of healing, and wonder of the amazing, AMAZING power of women and creation, being allowed to be apart of that heals parts of my loss, crying with them, soothing their pain, creates light in places dim with resentment. Amazingly as winding as this journey is, in the next three days, I will be helping my Baby Faiths Birth-mother give birth to her next child.
Beautiful aint it?

Forgiveness is a Gift, oddly the receiver is 100% you.

The heart of the Matter is simply that. Loving yourself enough to let go...and receive with both arms wide open.

Soul Cancer

Tonight as I bake cupcakes at mid-night for Bugs play ( because isn't that when most sane people bake cupcakes.) I started thinking, and then the thinking got passionate, and then while my confections baked...I decided to word vomit up the feelings I keep on pushing down...AND HERE YOU HAVE IT...

lucky you.

In our community there is something so heart breakingly tragic going on with a teen girl that we know and love personally. She is an AMAZING, talented BEAUTIFUL young woman, that is such an incredible leader and example to the youth in our area, just last year this girl organized a dance for relay to life, because she was inspired. One year later she has been struck down with a debilitating disease, that has been touch and go daily for weeks and weeks. I and our family pray so much for her daily. It has been such an incredible opportunity for my kids to work on building compassion. Through service, they have helped me plan and put together freezer meals, recommending their favorites. I love this girl and her family.

And as I read another update and saw so much love and support and amazing rallying behind this angel of a girl....I got jealous.

Yep, I did.

Not that ANY of the support, love and prayers that have been showered upon this sweet wonderful girl are not incredible, I continue to add my own, it's just that I began thinking about our battles last summer, with our teenage daughter...and my heart started to hurt.

You see, losing Papillion was hush, hush. The 10 hospitals, multiple suicide attempts, all of the pain, and scares, and scars, all of the visits, and hopes up, and then dashed were weathered alone.
When she finally disappeared from our home and community, there were no questions asked, no prayers of support, no phone calls...she just materialized into thin air...because well, we just don't talk about mental illness now do we?

It was the loneliest thing I have ever been through, with very little validation out side of other trauma parents...I get the “People don't know what to say.”....but even if they just saying THAT...”Linds I am so sorry I don't know what to say" would have been something...instead of avoiding me in the hallways at church, or changing direction when come face to face with me in the grocery aisle.Or completly stop being my friend...
Mental health is so isolating, but it is time in 2012, for it not to be...really.

If my daughter had, had Cancer, broken both legs, even terrible asthma, we could talk about it, and everyone would nod their heads sympathetically, ask questions, offer prayers, help, love...
But when it is a cancer literally eating away at someones soul, future,emotional health...when it is a broken brain, when your child can't take a full, deep breath because trauma has stolen it, well, that is something put in a corner, whisper and generally not ever bring it up.....and I.want.to.know.WHY?

It's not like everyone on this planet has never known someone that has not suffered from abuse, depression and even post pardum...we all know someone...whether it be a former soldier that gets skidish around loud noises, an Uncle that gets angry faster than needs be, a sister, Aunt, Grandmother or Mom that has quirky things she has to do, for “things' to be alright...getting hurt, being a little messy in the head, is part of the human condition we don't talk enough about, and we need to.

Medically in the last 100 years we have made leaps and bounds in the physical needs and healing of our bodies...but what about our brains? Our souls? There isn't enough demand, because no one is standing up and saying THIS, THIS NEEDS WORK, this need to be fixed, THIS needs to be a bigger priority than magic diet pills. It is not happening fast enough, it is not being prioritized.

I agree some amazing, AMAZING work and books have been written in the name of R.A.D., P.T.S.D, O.C.D and all around trauma and the effects of it...but why? Why is is so much easier for a parent to get a 504 for a child with A.D.H.D. That is hyperactive and struggles concentrating, than a child with severe trauma and behavioral and attachment challenges?

one word, shame.

Our shame as parents being judged for our kids behavior, or that we "did" this to them, our fear and shame as a community, that if all start talking about our emotional and mental health, that judgment will be passed. No one judges someone with Cancer, “well obviously they weren't doing something right.”

That does not happen, why? Because what they have is physical, and obviously not anybody’s fault.

BUT, Nor is what happened to my child...Or to me for that matter.

My name is Lindsay. I am parenting children with severe trauma, anxiety, depression, psychotic tendencies, suicidal ideation, addictions, bulimia, anorexia, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder,Hording, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and they are surviving by the skin of their teeth, everyday. Their diseases are devastating, everyday is an Emergency room of Soul Triage, deciding which “bleeder”/trigger must be dealt with first.

My children have soul cancer. Their illnesses and struggles are not their fault or a result of my poor parenting. The statistics are stacked against them. There are not nearly enough resources, well trained Dr.'s, or therapists around to suffice...but we are fighting this with everything we 've got, and not quietly. I am not going to be ashamed with or for my children's needs and

illnesses. I am going to talk about them, I am going to get the word out.

And hopefully someday the help, that will heal them, and other kids like them...because when we don't shout, and demand, and talk about what needs to be done, without shame, without fear of judgment, that is when the possibility to be heard and have change can really come...

Beautiful Surrender

I want to massage my face with a fork.

This is the first thing I said to my husband as I crawled into bed tonight.

Some things I don’t talk about very often (cough *ever* cough)…
I have Lupus.
It is a chronic Auto Immune Disease that I battle with daily. Every second. Every mil-a-second. (Is there such-a-thing?)

Apparently I was born with it, that and a hole in my heart. So when the Dr. was explaining to my very young mother…that her 4 lb. pre-mature baby girl, with blue legs, also has a hole in her heart, and her blood cells are killing themselves off…she was told to “just hold me.” That on the off chance that I survived, I would never be normal…..

BOY WERE THEY RIGHT!

and so my battle began. I was born with my dukes up, a can-do attitude, that at times teeters on the brink of “nobody tell me that I can’t, cuz I will friggn’ prove you wrong every time.
NOTE: This Rock hard  stubbornness has come back to bite me in the-you-know-what at times. ( Like when my O.B. shook his head when I was 18 and told me “No children for you, it would be too high of a risk)
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk….yeah I won that argument…   :0/


ANYwho short re-cap….Lupus, me, stubborn, beating odds/me being totally retarded…literally.

From day one my Immune system was next to nothing,I had a hole in my heart, 4 lbs., severe learning disabilities,traumatic childhood including much abuse, multiple moves and family changes, 10 new schools...
#notgreatodds

and she is making it people, she is.

The one thing,(maybe two things) I have learned in the making of me is not being afraid to be vulnerable, and learning to surrender. Me, yes me the girl that beat, and continues to beat the odds, personally, in my marriage, and even in my adoptions and health...that is the secret to winning this battle...knowing the flaws and weak spots in me, and learning to love them, LISTEN to them, and make them stronger with acceptance and so very much tenderness.

Last weekend I took my oldest baby girl at home for a Birthday swim. It was splendid. I soaked in the sun, I drifted aimlessly in the lazy river (In my next life I am so having one of those surround my house. (Lazy River/ some-might-call-it-a-Moat, Potato/Patoto)
I giggled with her and talked boys as we waited in line for the "Totally Tubular" Slide...

......and I stayed in the sun too long. It isn't that I didn't load on the sun screen, it is that with Lupus, I have extreme sun sensitivity...so since last Saturday, I have developed a blazing, bumpy, nasty full body rash.
It is miserable. I am paying the piper for my day in the sun. This rash is all over my face, behind my ears, in the creases of my eyelids...to say it SUCKS would be an understatement. I want to take sandpaper to my skin.

I am not a super vain person , BUT...looking like this, not being able to wear an ounce of make-up, or lotion..is HARD for me.
In the past, I was able to hole up for a week or two, after the Family Reunions, or whatever I tended to over do at...but this week my kids had major practices for a show they were cast in.
This weekend I had reserved for a Yard Sale so we could fund a new swing set for my kids.

I had no "opt out button".

Me, with my nasty, swollen face, faced 100's of people today and joyfully took there money and thanked them...me with toad skin walked into the grocery for more Ice and Doughnuts for my kids to sell for tomorrow.

...and I talked to my kids about it all of the way. Verbalizing "THIS IS HARD FOR ME, I feel weird about how my face and body look, but I am doing it anyway.Now because my body needs it, I have to cleanse out the toxins and eat very clean food, now Mama is gong to have to take her rest when you all do so Mama's body can heal just like you take your rests for your brains."

and they shared too...what is HARD for them, what they see they need to be gentle with, what they see in them might need to be surrendered, and it was so very, very good....

Love,
Me, the no make-up, bumpy beautiful me.
P.S. Now you, go love on some of those bumpy/beautiful parts in you....