tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-836394109152759629.post330151125688843490..comments2023-06-25T01:21:49.003-07:00Comments on Home: a soft place to fall: Maybe BabyUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-836394109152759629.post-55002950837249485822012-10-28T09:35:21.160-07:002012-10-28T09:35:21.160-07:00Chris, things are not falling into place teh way w...Chris, things are not falling into place teh way we needed them to, so as of right now we are still looking at options, but no "right now plans."<br /><br />MRK, I can so see how a case of the "maybe's" would not work between siblings. When it comes to sibling arguments,and I wasn't there,and I believe both children were involved, because one can always walk away and come ask for help in an argument, if there has been one nice attempt at resolvent..<br />If neither chose to do that they are both responsible for the argument. I do not focus facts, I try to focus on the feelings and the relationship.So AS HARD as they are trying to tell me their side, what they are really asking me for is validation. I let them each have a chance (without the interruptions of the "Nuh-ughs" from the other sibbling). Once both sides are spilt, I say "WOW that sounds like one humdinger of a fight that neither one of you were willing to walk away from." I grab one little face and say, "I am so sorry your feelings got hurt with A.,B. and C...sounds like you were opperating out of hurt feelings and anger, I see that you need an apology and probably need to give one too. Then I follow suite with the next child.<br />If they can do it then great, sometimes my kids are too elevated for an immediate apology,so we do a 15 minute cool down period, and then if apologies can be made, they do one activity (chore, puzzle, jumping on the tram together and counting to 100, and come in for a sweets for the sweets.(a snack to share)<br /><br />IF and WHEN one will not comply, and are too wrapped up in riotous anger and refusing to let go that they too were wrong, they are the ones after the cool down to do the chore...and are more than welcome to ask that repair with their sibling when they are ready darlin' because it takes two to fight and one to walk away.<br />I try to never make it about the details, unless blood is involved. ;0)Lindsay Mama to Ninehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14246028855946874766noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-836394109152759629.post-18830099066749788822012-10-28T05:37:49.678-07:002012-10-28T05:37:49.678-07:00Is there a variation on this for sibling vs. sibli...Is there a variation on this for sibling vs. sibling issues of who is right ? We like this great post as a reminder of how to not enter battles with our kids when it's something between us and them. But yesterday when I tried to whip this out in a different situation, we couldn't figure out how to make it work. Three of the kids were playing a fun game with each other while raking the backyard. WHAT!?!?!? Okay, that was strange. They were playing together happily for about an HOUR AND were also getting a chore done ? Weird. We meant to nip it in the bud, to catch them being good, to praise them and invite them in to do something else fun. But, inevitably, we let it go too long, and it spiraled out of control. One kid came in crying that another, who'd been trying to control the play at the end, had hit her and bent her fingers back. The other child talked mainly about being upset that the first child wouldn't play by his rules but then threw in, for good measure, the claim that she had tried to hit him with her rake first, so that his physical violence had been in reaction to that. Now, we weren't there. We were inside with the 4th child at the time. We didn't see it. We don't really know what happened. But we were fairly convinced that the finger bender had not been threatened with a raised rake. He is our birth child, but he has the trauma of ADHD, anxiety, a muscle condition, and living with two adopted children who've brought lots of trauma to the home for the past two years...and we could see him invent the lie (we could see it by reading his body language) to try to get himself out of trouble. Still, we couldn't KNOW. So we tried various things: (1) focus not on what made him mad but on the fact that physical violence against his sister is never ok. Of course, he raised the issue that he was defending himself from imminent physical harm at the time. (2) the maybe baby strategy. "Maybe she did raise the rake, maybe you were just really upset because she wouldn't play the way you wanted her to"....He refused to accept the maybes. He was quite set on ensuring that we believe him OVER her. He told us that if we didn't believe him over her that it was because we loved her more. And so on. Now, when it's believing him vs. nobody (did he spill the stuff on the floor or not)? the maybe thing works well. "Maybe you spilled it, maybe I did and didn't notice it at the time. I'm not sure, but could you please help me out by cleaning it up while I make your dinner?" But when it comes to maybe YOUR story is right or maybe YOUR SIBLING'S story is right or maybe neither is right, the intense sibling rivalry seems to make it impossible for us to use this. Is there a way TO use it in that case ? Example please. :-) Or is there a different strategy you use for that ?MRKhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17273667096816207202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-836394109152759629.post-41431532523386483002012-10-22T18:17:17.728-07:002012-10-22T18:17:17.728-07:00Couldn't agree more
Never ask why
don't...Couldn't agree more <br /> Never ask why <br />don't worry about being right<br />don't give the opportunity to lie or struggle over what is true<br />after a while of this there is a certain sort of respect that builds <br />when we can play their game and nobody looses face <br /><br />love you wise womananniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01865620458705690414noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-836394109152759629.post-87600492161228498592012-10-22T16:08:51.803-07:002012-10-22T16:08:51.803-07:00Hey, this is one post late. What's this about...Hey, this is one post late. What's this about moving? You know I really like that you are 15 minutes away from each other although we never visit. You are an awesome family that I like thinking I might bump into at Costco or somewhere. I'm sad. Are you moving far?Chris Whttp://your.neighbor.in.fort.hall.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-836394109152759629.post-50474717790717662912012-10-22T10:39:09.540-07:002012-10-22T10:39:09.540-07:00I wish I would have had this perspective earlier i...I wish I would have had this perspective earlier in dealing with my daughter that we adopted last year. I just think of how many tears and how much screaming could have been avoided on both sides. Thank you for blogging.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-836394109152759629.post-21723014451146443622012-10-21T21:04:53.447-07:002012-10-21T21:04:53.447-07:00I have got to practice this more - thanks for step...I have got to practice this more - thanks for stepping me through the scenario so I can picture it with some of our situations. You are an inspiration!Johannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11490727625082003162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-836394109152759629.post-8981715618896996152012-10-20T18:47:08.050-07:002012-10-20T18:47:08.050-07:00"...control the information, therefore contro..."...control the information, therefore controlling the situation."<br />This is brilliant! Why have I never figured this out? <br /><br />Thank you for continuing to blog through everything you've got on your plate. I seriously get giddy when I see on my blogroll that you have a new post :)<br />Kerryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03266014212865441311noreply@blogger.com