I owe myself an apology.
and possibly in turn you.
You see, there has been a mantra I have been selling to myself, a bar I have been holding myself to, a belief and expectation of myself that I have clung to.
Never, not for one moment would I expect any other person, mother or care provider to do this to, or expect it themselves, and yet, I stand here guilty.
I BELIEVED I had to do it ALL.
I believed that to be a good mom and to help my kids heal I HAD to do it a certain way, make it look and flow within my expectations of myself. What I forgot?
The variables, my children, what they might need, regardless of what I THOUGHT they might need, within my abilities to give it to them.
Because why?
It is MY job....
and, I am a bit of a moron.
In a world of humans struggling, fighting battles of love, finance, illness, business, politics, religion and much more, we say, "Never Give up", because failure in not an option.
Sacrifice is glorified, for the out come, and yes, sometimes that sacrifice is warranted, and all too often sacrifice is just waste, wearing a sad cloak of self righteousness.
So I am de-cloaking a bit.
Good crap this is awkward.
I have these insanely AMAZING people in my life.
People that are raw and honest and on incredible journeys to heal their children, relationships and along the way heal themselves. They are so brave.
I sometimes push them to forgive and let go of things, do MORE self care, forgive them selves or others and move on, to lesson expectations.
I am SO good at gently advocating for these people I love, wanting them to see the amazingness that I see.
And five minutes later? There is no way I could take my own advice.
Because I suck at all of the above.
Like a lot.
Never Give Up?
welllll...it's kinda crap.
We all have to accomplish the art of letting go.
Weeks ago I stood in my Grandmothers ICU hospital room, with an aid of a ventilator she was being kept alive.
Hope was being sucked in deep gulps, desperate to erase the last three days that transformed someone that had been such a permanent fixture in our lives , into someone that might slip away, never to return.
Words like, "She's a fighter, she's a tough lady, she can pull though this."
Were shared as we willed her to wake up, begged with tear filled eyes at her still , yet breathing body to wake up.
As days passed new words replaced those most desperate sentences: "She wants to be with Grandpa" who passed before her. "She would never want to live in a hospital", "She isn't going to wake up and be who she was before, and that would be unfair."
It was time to let Grandma go.We didn't give up on her, we were more fair and more kind in what was best.
It think sometimes we get so stuck in the fight, we forget to pull our heads out of the sand trap,and look up and around for some other options, better options.
Sometimes those other options are not what you would want them to look like, some options are more a letting go.
While fighting an uphill battle, there is a natural need to hold onto your convictions, and faith that YOU can make things better with two very tight fists.
When doing the very hard and thankless sometimes that hope is all you cling to with a thread.
That tomorrow will be better...if I just stay on this road, this HARD thing will get better.
Often that is so very true.
Yet sometimes, it's simply not.
and that is where I owe myself the apology.
I am sorry I waited so long to look up and consider another path.
I am sorry perhaps through my actions and example I made anyone including myself believe that I could possibly have all of the answers or even some of them.
I am a student on this crazy twirling ball like the rest of you, just trying to figure crap out.
Sometimes as a parent or a partner, or a caregiver, you have to pull a new card.
You are not giving up, you are seeing things from a distance and recognizing the path you are on is the looonnnggg not necessarily best path to the inevitable.
Perhaps, this whole letting go is a good thing.
Perhaps this "Never Give up" needs to pertain to yourself, and not the situations and scenarios placed upon our backs. Somethings are meant to be shaken off, let go of, or even handed off.
Truth is , we can't, and shouldn't expect, or make ourselves to it all.
Truth is in this place we can waste the best parts of ourselves and others in the name of sacrifice.
Is there something, something you can let go of, celebrate defeat over, or switch up a path all in the name of Never Giving Up, but also Letting Go?
Monday, this homeschooling mother of nine?
She is packing lunches, and putting into place 1:1 aids and nurses for two of her chronically ill children, recognizing that this too, though not my original goal of what educating my children would look like. The goal? The outcome will still be the inevitable. They with lots of trouble shoots and energy needed much tweaking and long hard days, my children will receive the education they are capable of. With me, yet with out my sacrifice.
Those are some weird pants for me to be trying on.
Earlier this week in a private message to my incredible friend Christine I wrote her this;
"But, honestly...we are better parents, because we see where our energy NEEDS to go, instead of throwing ourselves under every bus in the name of being a good mom...instead recognizing that damn bus is coming no matter what and getting out of the way..."
So in short.
Dear Lindsay,
Thank you for figuring out the difference between "Letting go" and "Giving up".
Thank you for pulling your head out.
Thank you for re tipping the scales with having more opportunities for better, though fewer interactions with your children.
Though it is scary, you are being smart.
Take less time being stubborn K ?
kisses,
Yourself
