Walking on Hot Lava

I love this image.
I my head this is me.
In my heart, this is so many of us.

For two days I have been stuck in confines of my home, in my bedroom, on my bed with a puking toddler, 7 year old, 9 year old ...and you know the "other ones", that fortunately were not projectile vomiting, but unfortunately for me, healthy enough to be bored.

Toddler's with the flu are not ticking time bombs...hell no, those give warnings and count downs. Toddlers with the flu more like unexploded detonated grenades...you never know when, or how ..but you know it is coming, and the likelihood of it being messy is inevitable.

As I sat there with her.
Most the time offering clean towels, clear liquids, comfort, fresh pajamas. Anytime I had to retrieve more supplies, remove soiled items, parent other children, go pee...there was a fear that she would throw up while I was absent, and I wouldn't be able to direct, help or contain the mess.

I had time to think between the laundry loads.....

This is my life, this constant juggle, one crisis always requiring my attention while attending to everything  and everyone else.

I am always playing hot lava.

Did you ever play that game as a kid? One rule, do not touch the floor, for that is the Hot Lava.
My brothers and I would go in their room and play a precarious game of tag crawling, jumping and climbing over all the furniture in their room, but not allowed to touch the floor...we would jump, bunk bed to dresser to chair to scaling the window sill. How nothing was broken is a mystery.
Once the game was over the steaming red hot burning, waiting to consume us LAVA turned back into shag carpet....we jumped down into the middle of the room, and we walked out.

That has been me for three years. Balancing, straddling the window sill and the dresser, except I have become so used to the floor not being safe beneath me, I stopped looking down, trusting it, or remembering I had the say when the floor gets to turn back to something I can safely stand on.

I have the say.
In some things and in some ways, we all have that say.

Things have been hard for so long...and continue to throw me for loops...but there are things I am reclaiming as I look around and see what I am missing, what was once important to me and I want to pick back up, and those things that don't hold the same value to me.

I love this image, because she is not only rising from the ashes. She is dancing on the hot lava.
Dancing.

Last night between Insomnia and re-evaluating I picked something up I dropped three years ago, my family diary/blog/journal.
Like me it looks different now.

I will remain here with my personal and parenting trials and successes...but the other parts of me, the better and worse parts I don't share on this very public blog.
The boring shmoring stuff, like kids having the flu, and pictures of birthday parties and trips to the library park and dentist, art projects and skinned knees...things I wished I had written down.
I am starting to write down again.

Bam.
and then in a small brave way, she turned that Lava back into shag carpet, and is dancing on it...

So I was going to write a whole post...

About Parenting in SPACE...the Conference in Chicago I go to every year...that helps me you know, not to lose my shit on my kids as much....PARENT my kids from hard places ....and generally try NOT to screw them up anymore than they already have been and learn new amazing ways to find healing, together.

I would write about how I went last year, and the year before that...and how much I LOVED it.

I was going to reference all of the blogs I have written that were examples of tools I picked up while hanging with the House Calls Parenting staff.

How I helped my daughter coping with separation anxiety USING, S.P.A.C.E. Stuff.

How sometime NOT talking about an issue (while talking about it) is one of my favorite tools while dealing with an issue.

Or how Billy Kaplan taught me about using CURIOSITY saves my butt on days the lying gets out of control !!!

Or throwing a “maybe” at it.

I would talk about the infinite LOVE I have for JIM KLING and how hos repair model has helped so much in the repairs my children are learning to do.

I was most definitely going to post a video of me chatting with Christine Moers ABOUT going to SPACE and what it has done for us, and the incredible friendship we have developed.

Most of all, If I was going to write said post....I most definitely would mention these points:

1. My first time I came, I went on the tail end of a credit card, totally broke in every way...and still know it was the best money I have spent on my family.

2. I have never been surrounded by more therapists that GET me and my kids than at SPACE.

3. If you are reading this....and think, my kid is really hard for me...BUT, NOT as messed up as some of the kids I read about....you, need this.

4. your tank is empty. Just come. I promise...we are all sputtering in.

5. Parenting our children is hard, every.single.day.even just neuro-typical kids...but parenting children from early childhood trauma, ADHD, autistic spectrum, Fetal alcohol or drug related affects, can deplete us much, much faster...we may have read ALL of the books,and blogs, own all of the tapes...but coming to a conference,interacting, refreshing our skills, is necessary in the survival of our families, in the survival of ourselves.

So...you know...if I was going to write that post...I would kinda, sorta say all of those things. <3

N.A.R.D.S.

N.A.R.D.S.
(and I Sooooooo get this is a made up term that I use to cope; so dear, dear,dearest troll that likes to knock me and my parenting...have.at.it.)
I so just prescribed rude comments...check me out!  :D

I am going to share a term we like to use when coping with Narcissistic behavior from my attachment challenged children.
You see one of my children really struggles with this aspect of his Attachment and all around well being...the kid is a full on Narcissist. When children live in a survival state, the only things or people they need to worry about is Me, Myself and I..how the world operates is only viewed directly on the soul factor of how it affects them. PERIOD.

N.A.R.D.S.
Narcissistic Attachment Reactive Disorder Symtoms
HA! And the 9 year old girl in me thinks this is hilarious....lets kick him right in the NARDS!

But parenting the NARD ridden child.so.not.fun. (again so know this is a made up term...)

My son struggles with a 'Whoa is Me, everyone is so MEAN to ME, I am so sad, all of the TIME, nothing works out for ME, I never get what I want, life is so so hard for ME, Everyone else has it easy except ME.”

Nothing is a direct consequence for him, everything is something that is being DONE to HIM....even after we process it for the gazillionth time....

Him punching his brother= sit and think time= doing his brothers chore = me being MEAN to HIM.
(feel free to insert this equation in every.single.situation.possible)

Today it was over a ball, he had given to his brother, for his brother's birthday, of which he felt he had ownership rights over....so a tantrum, wailing “whoa is me”, crying Oscar worthy performance ensued.

I first swore in my head ,then calmly knelt down by him and asked him “who's ball is it buddy?”

“My brothers, but “I” gave it to him, so “I' should get to play with it whenever “I” want.”

“yeah, no, it's your brothers, if he wants to share HIS toy, regardless of WHO gave it to HIM...it is up to HIM”

and then it came....

“Why is everyone so MEAN to me, I NEVER get what I want, you love everyone more than you love ME, “I” am always in trouble..”I” don't love any of you...I hate everyone...”

..and maybe he should go eat worms.....( I need a banjo)
(just kidding...but it is totally O.K. That I am singing this in my head...)

So we had a sit down/come to Jesus meeting...another one...it's a weekly meeting, but this one had pictures. :)

and so I drew this lovely diagram...no worries I am full on aware of my artistic abilities... I have to use symbols when am trying to apply concrete processing with my children. Especially when dealing with learning disabilities...

What this is saying...is; What the “Family side” is always and, no matter what giving him...
love

home

food

toys

bed

playing with him

blankest

we go out and have fun

we share with him...
and that no matter HOW MUCH STUFF, LOVE, THINGS we share and give to him..he holds on to it and wants and thinks he deserves more....it.is.never.enough.
He hoards his things, won't share...will wear and play with all of his brothers things, but he won't use, (or let anyone else) use his things...
and so I started with a happy face in the upper left corner, because these things and this behavior makes him think ultimately it will make him “happy”.

“But does it baby?”

“No, I just want more, and then I get more, and I am happy for a second, but then I want what everyone else has too, so then I am mad and sad.”

...and let's put that song on repeat....

“Soooooo , is that working for you...all of this taking and wanting and never giving, is it making you happy, and loving, or even liked...which is what you want most from your siblings?”

“Well if they weren't mean to ME....”
I stopped that before we got the pity party rollin'....

“What I am asking without focusing on anyone else...is ; Is what YOU are doing, holding onto, not sharing, not giving love, or kindness, let alone letting anyone touch anything that is yours...and always wanting more....is.that.working.for.you.

“NO”....sob......

“So what if we didn't even start with your toys or food, but tried with feelings...and sharing and giving and loving in small ways...remember on Christmas when you couldn't wait to watch your brothers and sisters open the drawings you drew for them?”

“Yes, I wanted them to like them.”

“and when they did, how did that make you feel?”

“Good, Important, that I did a good thing.”

“and you did, buddy THAT IS GIVING, that is the good feeling I am talking about when I am saying working on giving love, sharing, and being kind, and how that might make YOU feel.

What do you think about that?”

“I think I am going to get mad and forget.”

“Maybe you will..but maybe we could hang this beside your bed and you can work on remembering what might make YOU feel better, what really might make YOU more happy.”

“O.K. Mom I will try”

“That is all I am asking buddy.”