Thursday, April 28, 2011

When it hits you in the HEART....

When it breaks your heart. When your children’s emotional disabilities hit you so hard in the stomach you cry and ache with them… you want to throw up. I have been there with many of my children. The blank look they give you when you try to help them understand, relate, and they can’t. They are emotionally blind. They don’t “get it”..and they WANT TO!!!

Tonight the darling little blonde girl (think goldie-locks) stopped by with her big brother. She had lent Scoobs a ball last week. I did not know that she had loaned the ball, I did not remember the ball, and therefor I was positive the ball had already been lost, destroyed or both.

I called Scoobs down, and with the kids waiting in the Foyer, asked him where the ball was. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “I didn’t play with it that long, then it rolled down the hill, got stuck under a car and got popped.”
Goldie-locks eyes got sad.

My heart sunk, I did not want to, but here came the hard part, the object lesson, that he was not going to get, but still had to learn.
“Scooby, remember the ball we bought at the yard sale last weekend?” (the one he has been taking so proudly to school for recess everyday)

“Yeah Mom.”

“You lost and knew the ball you borrowed from Goldie was ruined, you did not take care of it, or return it, sooo….you need to give her your ball.”

I watched as his little gray eyes filled with RAGE, his hands clutched in fists, his chin jutted out and his little bottom lip stuck out.


There was no use trying to explain, I went and found the ball, tried to give him the opportunity to hand it to Goldie…instead he ran up the stairs with the ball…screaming.

I calmly asked the siblings to “wait.”

As I tried to retrieve the ball,he tried to scratch , pinch, kick and bite me.
I brought it down to the kids, their eyes HUGE.

I calmly told them “He is sorry, he didn’t think to bring it back, please wait before you loan him anything else.”
They nodded and were happy to get out of my now sound breaking home.

Scoobs slammed the door, over and over again, SCREAMMING “I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU…and worse.”

I calmly picked up my hurt, sad, angry, boy. I walked into our music room holding him, so he couldn’t hurt me, or himself and sang his lullaby until he calmed.
Then he sobbed.
“Why did you give them my ball, it was mine.”

I used what we call the “you’s”, helping our kids relate to others feelings by only talking about them.

Scooby, If you had let Goldie play with your ball, would you want it back?”

“Yeah., but I wouldn’t let her, cause she’s a girl and it’s my ball.”

“O.K. but lets say that you did, would you want her to play with it and bring it back?”


“Well what if she didn’t bring it back?”

“Then I would go to her house and say , HEY , give me my ball back you dumb girl.”

“Not real nice, but O.K.”

“Bud, what if you went to her house, and she said, I don’t know where your ball is , I was done playing with it, and I saw it go down the hill and get popped.”

“I would get MAD and want to hit her, and tell her she better get me a new ball.”

“I soo understand those feelings you would have, do you think maybe that is how Goldie felt?”….

MORE SOBBING…and I hugged and cuddled and cried with my little boy…next came the bullet right between my eyes, because though I am parenting this everyday, there are times I FORGET to “get” my own kids.

I snuggled him as he calmed and softly said, “and buddy, being Goldie’s friend and doing the right thing, is more important than a ball, a friendship is more important.”

And he started crying again:
“But Mama, I don’t know what it means to have a friendship.”

…..and that is when your heart bleeds and tears leak out of your eyes….as you snuggle in deeper and promise your child, “but you will know sweet boy, you will.”

Make. It. Right.

So our kids mess up, they screw up, they destroy, devour, steal, lie, hoard, pee on random stuff, leave stuff animals headless with all the stuffing spread out like a freaking blizzard just hit the piano room (not that I would know personally), they cut up hand-made baby blankets, draw with sharpie marker on wood floor and dining room tables, pee in plastic Easter eggs, kick screens out of windows, and much , MUCH more…again just things I have heard of…shea right.

Did I mention the Child, cough, teen that washed ALL of my windows with toilet bowel cleaner…and YES there is a PICTURE of a toilet on the bottle no confusion was made…..(they were pretty, kinda like milky stained glass)…and YAY….we got to wash them they were extra sparkling clean!

My house is a Freaking Crime Scene, is yours?
I have been so tempted to do a photo essay of just my house, a” before and after” testament of R.A.D. if you will….

In a lot of ways destruction, pushing limits, lying, even stealing are all in the “normal” gambit of child behaviors, many of them necessary and part of development. Sadly kids with attachment…get STUCK on these behaviors; they depend on these behaviors to SPEAK the words they can not. IT SUCKS!!!!…and what works with “most children”…the so called “Punishment to fit the Crime”…are light years away from being effective for kids with Attachment Struggles.

Asking a Child “why did YOU do that”, pushing the truth “I KNOW you are lying to me”. “DID YOU REALLY DO THIS, REALLY?”……DOES NOT WORK…..uh uh not at all…unless you have a cushioned seat, a big bag of popcorn popped and are ready for a show (cause at this point, you just set the stage for one Giant yarn of a tale to be woven)…or a dandy lil’ rage, or a Popsicle impersonation….all NOT super fun in the grand scheme of things…but at this point you have lost mama, you have lost them learning ANYTHING effective.

Much like an INCREDIBLE Vid my friend Christine made…and the WISE words

she illustrated…you need to give them the opportunity to MAKE IT RIGHT, fix it, because they NEED to!

Just ask em for help! “Hey can ya come over here and help me wash out these Plastic Easter Eggs before we put them away for next year?...”

“I didn’t PEE in the EASTER EGG.”

“Not saying you did, but hey, I sure could use some help, want to grab the soap for me?”
*Most my kids would reluctantly help, “el Diva la Popsicle”, will FREEZE. So that is a great time to use the “Great, I’ll do it for BOTH of us and when you are ready JUMP on in.” (and that works *most* of the time)

With 8 potential perps , I often know each and every-single-stinking-one on my kids M.O.’s…their Crimes and Behaviors of Choice. However, being accusatory, especially when it is the WRONG kid, can further damage attachment. So the Make it right technique works beautifully for me and my BIG little family.

Giving my kids a way and opportunity to fix their wrongs is really what we all need to learn how to do. What does “I’m sorry, really mean, if we don’t back it up?”…We are teaching our kids to back up the “I am sorry”, before they learn the words.

…..and IF we make a mistake of thinking so-and-so peed on the chair and it was a totally different so-and-so…no damage done, because they are simply helping Mama…..

Cause if we are “Helping we are Happy”….er sumthin…..

But give em a chance, to MAKE. IT. RIGHT.

Monday, April 25, 2011

The Human Experience - Official Trailer [HD]

I watched this last night with my husband. If you have NETFLIX, it is not Instant watch...It. WILL. TOUCH. YOU. It will make you cry, it will make you remember, it will remind you what life is really about, it will make you want to be better. It IS that GOOD...and HARD and BEAUTIFUL....
The loss of attachment and PAIN Jeff feels, the honesty he speaks about in being abused and neglected, and how that affected him in everything, was haunting and so very brave....It made me want to try harder, be softer, Remember where my children are coming from...and be grateful for what I have and what I CAN give.....

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Tomb was EMPTY

A Little Story

One Easter Sunday a teacher being creative, handed her class Empty Plastic Eggs , and asked them to go out side and collect an item that reminded them of Jesus , or the Easter story.
After everyone had come inside everyone Oooohhed and awed over the butterfly, or flower, beautiful blades of grass, or a twig. last came David. He was a quiet sometimes difficult little boy with Downs Syndrome. When it was his turn , everyone soon found his Egg to be empty. The teacher wondering weather he had understood the object of the lesson..then herd these words: " but the tomb was empty".
Three weeks later the class was attending Davids sweet funeral. The onlookers watched as child by child walked to the casket and placed an Empty Egg on Davids small casket.
The banner on his casket read: THE TOMB WAS EMPTY.

What a gentle reminder that because Christ resurrected, we can to.


I rarely share our experience with losing Gibson. I guess in a way it has been too raw, and sacred to our family to talk about the small child that we will always ache to hold, and have faith that we will, someday
Two years ago on Easter Sunday, while sitting in sacrament meeting, I had a brief but strong thought or feeling, that something had happened to one of our children in Haiti. Knowing that Diva had been struggling heart sunk thinking, perhaps she had passed away.
I didn't share this feeling with anyone, not wanting my Husband or the kids to think I was crazy , or being negative. But I did carry that feeling with me throughout the week. Since we hadn't heard anything on, Monday, or Tuesday...i figured I was just crazy and filed that feeling into my PTSD of adoption issues.

Then early Thursday morning, we received a phone call. Before Hubbie answered the phone, I knew.
Thinking it was Diva, I watched my husband speak on the phone, in hushed tones, as tears formed in the corners of his deep blue eyes. "Okay, okay, when, how...okay, thanks". After he hung up ...all he could say was "Gibson".
Our baby boy, the child that shared our Wedding Anniversary for his birthdate, had become ill,he was throwing up and had severe runs.
They took him to the hospital...but Heavenly Father had other plans for him.
He passed minutes after arriving at the hospital, Gibson passed away from dehydration.

To my understanding Gibson passed on April 11th, Easter Sunday.
We gathered our children into our bedroom. Bugs was then 5, Scooby 3, and Peanutbutter 18 months. After a family prayer, we quietly explained to them that Gibson had gone to live with our Heavenly Father and that he was not going to be able to come home from Haiti. Bugs , very perceptive at five, asked :"so he died".

She took a moment to take it in, as a tear welled up in her eyes, she looked up at us, then a smile broke out on her beautiful face. "But Mama, he's gonna resurrect, so we just gotta be patient".

What simple faith, what an amazing lesson taught by a child.

It was hard because there was no casket, no family gathering ....and to many people in our everyday life ...his existence was not tangible to them how can we mourn him?
But as we all ,know a true mothers (parents) heart falls deeply in love the first time you see that photo, or hear the heart beat...
heck I was in love after looking at a stick I peed on (Gross I know) that had two blue lines on it!

Not wanting to celebrate the date of his death...we waited until his birth date, May 12th to celebrate our little angel.

That Saturday morning I made Haitian Pancakes (as close as I could get
them)...we read scriptures and wrote/colored pictures for Gibson.
After planting our tree, we hiked up a grassy hill , read our
letters, tied them to five white balloons and let go.
We then sat down to eat our picnic and a couple of minutes
later...Bugs looked up at me smiled, and said "Mom, I bet he
just got out letters, cool , huh?"
Very cool!

It has been four years since his death. I have absolute faith and knowledge that I will hold my baby again.
I am so grateful for this season.

Have a Beautiful, Relflective, Gratitude Filled Easter....
Because :

"The tomb was empty"


"But Mama, he's gonna resurrect, so we just gotta be patient".

I will,I will be patient.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Giving Easter the Bunny

Lets talk about entitlement…and holidays and getting stuck, and being PART of the problem….promise this post will NOT be a novel….at least I hope it won’t cause I still have to go make the Easter Potato Salad for tomorrows Dinner.
Anywho….being Easter and all and *most* of my thoughts turned to Christ and his Atonement…some of my more material girl side have be humming this lil’ ditty in my head….and when I went to youtube watch it I saw this “original version”…and I out loud said…”THAT CUCUMBER IS RADtastic”….so for pooh & giggles, pick. Pick you childs most crazy wanted, most obsessed over, most if you don’t give it to me random item and stick it in place of the bunny. This was perfect for me, I could toss in “cell phone”, “hooker shoes”, a “T.V. in my room”….infact my teen wanted to let me know, that instead of an I.pod touch (that she is sooooo NOT getting) for her birthday she would prefer a motorcycle. Snort

So imagine my 7 littles walking around singing “The Bunny song”…I can hear Cookie in the tub right now turning it into an Opera Aurea. Anyway….the HARD thing about entitlement, is that it gets under our skin, it makes us NOT want to give in, or “give” anything…I have never felt so closed fisted in my life, I LOVE to give gifts….but after my kids got home , my past high of gift giving became a source of contention for me. Some of my kids have no idea what gratitude looks like, what being content with what you have feels like, how NOT to continue to take, even when your arms are full…why BECAUSE they are STILL in survival mode. They are still trying to fill up those empty feelings in their life, and nothing will ever be enough until I can help them patch those holes in their proverbial buckets….as a girl who learned to eat her feelings during their four year adoption process I should know that…but no, I mostly just get irritated when the “I WANTS” come out to play.

It’s Easter weekend, we do it as a weekend. About eight years ago when my babies were really just babies, I wanted the focus of the Resurrection to be on Christ, and so “The Bunny” comes on Saturday morning…we do the Egg hunts, the candy gorging…the material “fun holiday stuff” on Saturday, leaving the importance of the true holiday of Sunday Worship. I LOVED doing it this way…and now with the sabotage tendencies…It works for our now bigger more intensive in the needs department family….

So “The Bunny” showed his Fuzzy Tail this morning, bringing shoes (cause my kids REALLY needed them) that Easter Bunny is a pretty practical guy! Instead of toys for the kids to argue over …he brought individual baggies of carrots and dip, apple slices, whole grain gold fish..and whoppers eggs (so just little chocolate)….also new toothbrushes….with their names already written permanent marker, remind me to kiss him later.

Off the SUBJECT: but you will get to where I am going….I ran into my friend Chavonne and her awesome Hubbie in the JC Penny parking lot with my two older girls today. She has two darling Haitian girls of her own from the same O….I haven’t seen her since August…and like most of us..we run into each other and it is a talk fest…we chatted and shared and laughed and teared and …my poor girls went and sat in the car and listened to the radio for at least an hour. When the conversation turned to attachment, and what we are doing to hinder, the “I don’t wanna’s ” on our parts to do our part of attachment…I felt proud of one example I could give of a success I recently had in my own issues with my daughters entitlement.

The hooker shoes. O.K. , O.K. I will stop calling them that…well maybe.
My beautiful girl, being older and from a different culture, has a COMPLETELY opposite opinion on clothing, beauty and what is attractive. Is is right or wrong? No, and academically I get that. BUT and I mean a BIG FAT BUT…it drives me CRAZY…

Hello my idea of style is “There is a Chuck Taylor for that”….I grew up with brothers, I grew up with hippies and skaters…and NONE of those things = shoes with heels, blue eye, shadow tight clothes, bling and being sexy. (Full body shudder)My idea of accessorizing is Sunglasses on my head..and MAYBE a pair of earrings. Hello prom, I wore a white dress…and puma skate shoes, wedding white dress, white Converse…I didn’t start wearing make-up until age 18..and still wear it only if necessary….and I am a Mother to a DIVA, a couple in fact…God obviously has a great sense of humor.

And so…we are financially deficient as of late, and well, my kids needing shoes…it was the PERFECT gift for our kiddo’s.

7 different coupons in hand, I went shopin’ would you believe, 9 pairs of shoes later $76.34….awwwwww yeah!
While in the store I had some darling flats that I loved, picked out for my teen. They would have been sufficient, she would have “liked them”…and well she needed black church shoes. I KNEW she would not LOVE them like Bugs was going to love her blingy tennis shoes, or shriek with joy like Diva and Chatter would at the light up flip-flops….so I looked for something she might LOVE. I got over myself for a second. I am so strict with her about dressing like a young Lady , and not a Lady of the Night….I forget to meet her in the middle, find the places I can budge and move and try, instead of expecting her to come the whole way. So I went all of the way. I bought black sexy, stiletto heels. UGH. But I did it….

I for once gave her “the bunny”….and she LOVED her Mama for it….can you see the shock, the smile the SURPRISE! …..and that is sometimes IMPORTANT…not letting our constant battle for control blind sight the IMPORTANCE of not ALWAYS making our kids meet us half way, or even come ALL the way…but shocking the pants off of them, when it is in a safe way…and coming all of the way.

….by the way..brand of the shoes….”City Streets”, I’m just sayin’…
Boring-Smoring Mama...and the girl who loves her

Happy "Bunny Day" ya'll!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Versitile Blogger Award!

I received this award from the awesome Quacken Mama at
Never had a Blog award, shucks, I was touched. I don't feel like my ramblings do much, other than tell my truth, my struggles and victories. Thank you all that have supported my two month old baby blog!

Ten things about me:

1.Growing up everyone thought I would be a Famous Actress (I did dabble in Film, & TV) …I had a theater scholarship for college. Someday when I have more time I would love to participate again locally.
2.I love photography! LOVE IT, LOVE IT…I can get overwhelmed when I have too many jobs to edit, but feel so blessed I can express emotions through this medium. I am thinking about publishing an essay in Pictures of Haiti and turning it into a Coffee Table Book to benefit Haiti.

3. I am kind a granola. I like using herbs, essential oils, healthy diet, exercise and massage before using drugs, or antibiotics. My kids had never taken antibiotics…that changed once the Haitian crowd got here. We also Home School...LOL...I never thought I would be one of "those Mom's", but I love it! Each day is open to new possibilities, We can go to a museum, do science experiments, have one day totally concentrated on one thing the kids want to learn many third graders do you know speaks pretty fluent Creole, and has traveled to Haiti and feed orphans to cover her Global Awareness standard. LOL. I know most our families think I am crazy..but I really am proud of it.

4. I was diagnosed with Lupus when I was 18. My liver and kidney’s were shutting down while I was going to two separate colleges with different majors and working two jobs as a CNA for an Elderly man with Cerebral palsy and teaching preschool at a Daycare. My Dr. told me I had to go straight home and go to bed for eight months… I had to drop everything, leave school in the middle of semester and jobs, and my friends…Oh and my boyfriend dumped me..It was FREAKING awesome…Oh and my Dr. also told me would probably never be healthy enough to have kids….bring it.

5. I am STUBBORN…like beyond what you would think …which is why, I am drug free (for my Lupus)…have given birth to two kiddos out of my body (which almost killed me TWICE) and so far have seven and counting children born from my heart. Don’t tell me I can’t or shouldn’t do something ….because I will prove you wrong every time. :0)

6. I have been pregnant 11 times and had two live births….so yeah, my kids WERE hard to get here and I DID NOT do it the EASY way!

7. I used to LOVE to cook and be a hostess in my home. We have some pretty sweet parties at our house. I like to cook Thai, Haitian, and pretty much anything. I have been really into making our own bread lately….and lots of VEGGIES!!!

8. I love to read.I read A LOT of Parenting Book, some Historic Novels, Biography’s (just read “Love Eternal” about Mary Todd Lincoln) or up lifting spiritual material….I love the classics and read them over and over again…I almost get in book moods. I also once in a while like mindless fiction for fun..When I really don’t want to think…LOL..I take these books back and forth on Planes during my Haiti trips.

9. I love being out side, I have 48 rose bushes and 100’s of plants at our new house , I wish I had more time for all of it …but I love feeling the sun on my face. I am a summer girl, I love camping, hiking and being at the beach. If I could live anywhere I would love to either have a cottage on the Atlantic Ocean or a Farm house on Acreage.

10. I am so lucky to be married to my husband. He is Stubborn too ….but he is a good balance for me and keeps me in check when I try to take too much on. He is my home project partner and has rocked at learning to do Wainscoting and tile. I love that he still whips out his guitar every night and sings with the kids. I love that he more than supports me with the crazy and jumps on in!

~I need to pass this on to another Diana at Gold to Refine at blogspot you have been awarded the Versitile Blogger Award!

I just adore Diana, have chatted with her, gained support from her and love her wise patient her...LOL...sI am sure most of you do anyway! Can't wait to meet her on the Utah Drama Mama's Retreat!!!!

Award winners should copy award, tell everyone ten things about themselves and pass the award on.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Missed the Freaking Ferry

I sooooo missed the theraputic parenting ferry from “Normalville” to “Crazytown” this morning. I don’t even wanna catch the later ferry, I miss Normalville, yet after three rages this morning. I am guessing Normalville just isn’t my cup o’ tea, no matter how much selfishly I want to be there today, normal for a day,selfish for a day, RAD free for a day.
I went swimming this morning at , finished at . My 2 older more regulated kiddo’s  go to a Montessori school around 8, my hubbie is in charge of their getting ready, lunches, breakfast and morning devotional…the little “disregulators”, have to wait and do a later breakfast with Mom, cause we were having WAY to many morning sabotage moments, and after 15 tardies, we had to switch things up….they are “supposed” to sleep in, however with the hyper vigilant behaviors hitting la casa lately…not so much.

I have Lupus, it sucks, it is painful and chronic, and *most* of the time I ignore it. I have a trunk load of joint problems, swelling issues and all around yuckiness, no biggie, I have coped since I was 18. I have to exercise for my circulation, cause Raynauds is a VERY real part of the party raging in my body. I walk, run, elliptical, swim/do something everyday…some days I over do …and throw my body into a flare, that can kick my butt, keep me from walking, lifting my arms over my head…keep me from standing with out passing out….so I have to balance, know my bod pay attention to me, and well since I have so much time on my’s easy! (Note: the sarcasm)

I over did it this morning. Nice that I can get home by , and have 2 hours to myself, to lay, rest, soak my joints, before “the seven” need fed, clothed and schooled. …every joint had a heart beat, my nose even hurt. I loaded up on some fresh pineapple (a natural anti-inflammatory)…and crawled in bed. I listened as Hubs, got three of em up and going.
I snuggle in fully aware I have 1 hour and 45 minutes to wallow rest, until my day officially started.

Chatter comes in, “Mom do I have school today?” (she knows she does NOT have school)
“What day is is sweetie.?”
“Do you have school on Monday?”
“O.K. Well since we were up until 1 putting your extensions in, how bout you go lay back down, until it’s time for you to get up.”
(they have a clock with an alarm, so they know when it is “time” to come down stairs….)

“SNIFFFFF, “K, mom”.
“Love you Chatter”.

I KNOW WHAT IS COMING, I know she is about to go balls out crazy, I know it, and I hurt, and I don’t want to be patient, I don’t want to worry about her crazy needs, I don’t care if she is headed for Melt-Downville (it’s the stop  next to Crazytown).

I hear the door slam and think “Seriously”.

5 precious minutes later, Hubbie leaves and two nano seconds later, the WAILING and KNASHING of teeth start. She waited for Dad to leave, so yours truly could deal with the Drama. If ya have any advice for how I should have delt with her, calmly, lovingly and empathetically, ya’ll can shove it,
 keep it to yourself, remember I DID NOT TAKE THE FREAKING FERRY today.

I walk in, blaze in with eyes of fury.

“WHAT?, what is the problem?”

“Diva say, she going to make a big mess in my room and no clean it up!”, followed by huge dramatic sob and banshee like wail.



“…well then I am going to go lay down, and if I hear another peep…we will have to add an hour until we go down for Breakfast, got it?”

(Just in case you are ready to whip out the “Mother of the Year Award out”)….I then slammed the door…..

NOTE: I hope somewhere, behind the tsking of your teeth and the shaking of your head, I am helping some Mama who blew it today feel better.

But ….it got better…(and I am hurting so bad, I just want to crawl in bed and die…..)
At least at  this point, only Diva and Chatter are up…then Cookie (who has been relocated from his prior sleeping arrangement for crimes of humanity)…begs to go sleep in Scoobs now empty bed, “Sure” says I , “just be quite and don’t wake up Dude.”  FAMOUS LAST WORDS…

Cause 3 minutes later ….the loudest, clock radio known to man starts shrieking…Cookie, instead of climbing in bed has let off a sonic BOOM …and awoken , every living thing in my house at 7 :32 a.m.

Babies are up, and I want to cry, pull covers over my head, feed children Benadryl cocktails and put them back to bed (totally semi-kidding on that last one)…

So I wigged, a little A LOT and well was one heck of a crappy pants Mommy…stomped around threw my hands up in the air, yelled and was MAD.....

then I stopped, but on my Big Girl underpants, gave my self a time out…apologized to my kids, made chocolate chip pancakes…and finally got on the freaking ferry. Truth be told…Crazytown , is a heck of a lot better than the Insanityville that Normalville warps into if I don't get on the Stinkn boat.

….and that is how I sometimes totally bite at the Therapeutic Parenting thing.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Cleaning up Spills and Moving on?

It’s been a week.
Papillion is home.
Hubs interviewed for new job, 4 hours away.
We all went, 11 people, 1 hotel room = chaos.
We will know tomorrow or Tuesday.
Life will turn upside down again.
My kids will wig.
They already did simply with the possibility: driving and looking at new houses.
The wigged, raged, did radtastic behaviors, and we are all still breathing.
If we hear the job is a “Go Thundercat”…
1. I will be at home 4 hours away single-Mommin’ it until we can sell house.
2. I know I can do a lot of things, but this seems terrifying.
3. I will do it anyway, we will heal this too.

Took teen to an incredible talk given by a woman, from Sierra Leon….3 hours worth of driving, stubborn teen + silent treatment + 1 hour freak out over random new cell phone request…but we went anyway, I wanted to hit the breaks, and kit her rotten, spoiled, whiney-hiney out of my car 100x.
I fantasized about it…..and I sang “WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER HERO”…and other 80’s rock band Glee revivals….but on I drove, head ponding, ignoring my adrenalin….and we got there….and the teen stopped….

It. Was. Inspiring. And I think I needed it as much as Papillion. We built Hygiene kits for woman. These are similar to the kits, I was able to brig with me to Haiti after the earthquake, 4,500 of them.

I saw the difference them made, I handed them to crying bleeding, traumatized women and children…. I used one for ten days.
Sometimes I realize, when I am stuck, when I don’t want to put one foot in front of the other, when I am SICK, and TIRED and throwing myself the mother of all “poor me parties” (which always includes chocolate)…I HAVE to stop, seek reminders for the gifts and blessings I do have…and take the time to do, and go, and serve….because when you are filling up someone else’s bucket, some will spill into your own as well.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


I learned a trunk-load of awesomeness at The parenting in SPACE conference, a economy bus TRUNK LOAD, am I going to be able to apply everything,” I WISH, I HOPE, I WILL TRY, and I will fail, and I will TRY again”, cause that is the name of the dance called therapeutic parenting ….just in case you didn’t know.

It is the “,” I WISH, I HOPE, I WILL TRY, and I will fail, and I will TRY again”, dance we do every day.

HOUSE CALLS COUNSELING, is full of how Mary put it, EVIL GENIUSES, they were amazing, the way they put together such an incredible, safe, informative, enjoyable, affirming, validating utopia for therapeutic parents I NEVER will know…but I will go again, in hopes that I can return to my parenting Disneyland again.
It was only a week ago, and as they wrapped up the last session, NO ONE wanted to leave, no, one wanted to break the bond, the attachment we had created together, by trusting ,talking, sharing deep hard stuff, holding each other up, and being carried, parents, and therapists a like. I cried, I couldn’t help it, as I sat down , like a stubborn child, I DID NOT want to go home, I peeked over at Christine and could see the same tears…we did not want the magic to stop. Because that is what this conference was for me and so many parents, pure magic….

As a double theater/child development major in College (Its that NOT THE PERFECT double major for a future therapeutic parent, oh the preparation), I was STOKED that they were beginning the Conference with an Improve group “YEAH this is going to be FUN” (clapping hands like an excited lil’ kid)…and it was, but WAY more importantly, and what I would have not processed in a million years was the foundation of trust, playfulness, safety, and familiarity it would create for me and the other parents. The brilliance of beginning with those Improve exercises was HUGE. Therapeutic Parents are so often alienated from other Parents on the playground of life, the triangulations that occur between us and the other adults in our children’s and our live , are enough to break our sense of safety with other adults, our fear of being judged or misunderstood puts us at such risks of trusting relationships, just like our kids do.

So we walked around, said “Hello”, “What’s up”, Reached out and Touched each other, had full eye contact, we played, made up story’s, played imaginary tug-of-war…we trusted each other to support and remember our words, we cheered each other on, and THAT was only in the first two hours of the Conference…see MAGIC.

I had an extra gift at the Conference. As a past adoption coordinator for Haitian Adoption, I have babies all over Canada and the U.S. that I love, sooo deeply, even years later I know them ,I can pick them out of a crowd. I was a short time witness to their stories, their first steps and words,a small part of watching the making of their forever families.

One of my babies, (well really not mine cause his Mama gets to call him that)…was there, across the room, I saw a BEAUTIFUL little boy across the room and I thought, “THAT LIL’ GUY LOOKS EXACTLY TO THE NOSE OF WHAT “SMILEY’(a little baby boy I brought home from the Earthquake and placed in his Mama’s arms, almost year ago) WILL LOOK LIKE WHEN HE GROWS UP”….and then I saw “his” Mama, and it WAS, his Mama, it WAS….and then the tears came, because it WAS “Smiley”, it was this beautiful little boy that I had loved, videoed his first steps for his Mama, handed him to his mother on their first meeting and brought him to her for their forever. …
(cause now I am crying like a Giant Booby pants, and Baby Faith , woke up…I gots to wrap er up)

And that is Part ONE….of the first TWO hours of the Conference ya’ll are comin' to next year…Don’t I sound like a bossy pants!!! :0)

Friday, April 8, 2011

Tornado Watching

I PROMISE, I will talk about the conference… I swear,I DOUBLE DOG PROMISE!!! BUT...ahem YES AND, that means I have to be thinking out of my frontal lobe, right Billy?...and since I am right now chillin’ in the back of my brain, wanting to be in my closet to hum and rock back and forth in a fetal position, rational thinking is not quite in my bag-o-tricks today…but being sarcastic and laughing at todays crazies, FABULOUS!!!!

Daughter is still in Respite, trying to work brain around her re-entry…getting close.
Baba-Faith is doing well, her Mama came over for dinner last night, it’s HARD and WEIRD, and just awkward on so many levels…when Faith fell down after walking around …she wanted me, and her Mama was right there, and I wanted MY baby, but she isn’t mine, soooo I bit the inside of my cheeks raw all night, and cried myself to sleep……so yeah, transition is going GREAT, and I am a big FAT booby pants!

Sooo again with the being STILL thing, because being STILL and doing nothing, are two completely separate things. It was almost eerie the day before last…like a mystical, calm before the storm, where everything gets really quiet and clear, and then. THE STORM OF THE CENTURY HITS…"yeah baby" (said like Austin Powers)…that is what is going down at my house.

Woke up this morning to this lovely view out my backyard window. Lets go with the positive first: makes it harder for runners…
Negative :now they get to be more creative.
Positive: It looks peaceful, and I am secretly hopeful Santa might show up and take me for a ride on his sleigh.
Negative: See the trampoline; I was really looking forward to using that as a “work out your feelings tool”.
Positive: Now snow shoveling can take that place….and, nope, that’s is that’s all I got.

In all honesty Mr. Sun NEEDS to make his celebrity appearance, and I am all for Ms.Spring showing her pretty face about NOW~!

So here is a little list, in case you are wondering if you too are parenting Trauma, feel free to add to the list, cause this could get GOOD!
Done in pure “you might be a Red-neck fashion”….


#1. You are doing a basket hold on your child for the 5th time today, and are totally psyched that while doing that you beat your high score at Tetris on your cell phone.

#2. YOU KNOW that ain’t no lemonade your child is offering you a cup of. ;0)

#3. You notice a tiny spot o’ pee on your new favorite running shoes..and you wear them anyway, cause who has the time to clean it off, and it’s only a little yellow spot.

#4You pay your kids in dum-dum suckers to find the hidden “previously used” night time diapers.

#5. Code sayings like “Hen has flown the coop”, “Papa squirrel, baby squirrel is MIA, or is going NUTS”, has true meaning, and is not as cool, even if you get to say it over a walkie-talkie.

#6. Well meaning people make you want to poke your own eyes out with a pencil.

#7. Like most people have the local movie, pizza places phone numbers on speed dial, you are that cozy with the local Sheriff, CP, and respite centers.

#8. When you ask your child to make one bag of Pop Corn, she POPs ALL 24 bags, from your favorite COSTCO stash…and is SHOCKED when you are not pleased as punch.

#9. You meet other PARENTS, Therapists, or people who “get you” and your family..and you treat them like a LONG LOST sibling (HELLO CHICAGO)…it’s like finding other veterans to a war you thought you were fighting by yourself…you are instantly smitten.

#10. Then you proceed to “name drop” other Trauma Parents names, like so many would use celebrities names…cause lets face it , we. Are. ALL. ROCKSTARS.

#11. You have blog entry titles like, “ What you do With Pee”, “The Case of the Immaculate Pee”, “When you Feel like NOTHING Works”, or one of my FAVORITES, “Holy BATMAN, I am tired of the Robbin’ going on around here!”

#12. Your idea of parenting tools, are songs, jumping on furniture, dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld and generally acting as CRAZY as possible, at all times…just for a break in the crazier stuff that goes down at your casa.

#13 Epic Sighing, Rolling of the Eyes, 100 foot long tales, and Grand Maul tantrums are considered, that of legends and the stuff of Olympic Sports.

#14. Family events, Holidays, Anniversaries, Mothers Day…any of these days should and. are directly followed by the "JAWS" sound track.
#15. Your child offers to help with Lunch, pulls out the Corn Dogs Grandma bought while Mama was gone, and cooks all 22 of them, while you are in the restroom, and getting babies up from their naps…instead of flipping a lid…you eat them for lunch, and whip those bad boys back out for dinner, with Birthday candles in them lit…and sing “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” as LOUD as you can off tune…any guesses what’s for breakfast?

Come on….lets keep her going, heck this started as a three item text…..Hope it at least got a couple people, nodding, laughing out loud, or at least relating….and YES…my day has been THAT awesome + some ….

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

RE-Entry, laying lowwwww

I got home from the Parenting in Space Conference at last night. ….so your going to have to be patient with me as I put together all of the AWESOME things I learned into rational thought…
I got to the Chicago airport around yesterday morning…my flight was moved from to …no biggie, I read, people watched..and waited..then it got canceled….5 minutes before boarding. Nice. Ended up on a 5:00 flight, missed my shuttle home, and was lucky enough to talk the nice, so sorry I called them stupid heads, in my brain to myself, airlines, that gave me another plane ticket to fly in only an hour away from my home.
I am a VERY good WORN out. I have soo many things that I learned , things  I need to process, flaws in my parenting that I have been making, that  I need to forgive myself for and try my new stuff…most of all , I need to ride out my re-entry. I have been gone for 4 days, that is a LONG time for the Mama to be gone. I am NOT making any sudden movements, my head is NOT going to spin around like the exorcist because I have had one single man and eight children in my home for three days unsupervised by me….and it looks like a small tornado whipped through my house leaving all things in it’s wake. I am holding my neck …very still today.

I am holding everything VERY still today.
A miracle happened this morning. My sweet lil’ Scooby, was the first kiddo that openly let me know that he “Didn’t Miss me the WHOLE time I was gone”. I just shrugged and told him, “That’s O.K. I missed you enough for the BOTH of us”….and Look, look, LOOOOOOK…and what he left on the counter top for me this morning…isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t he beautiful? I cried and my heart felt sooo full and my little guys open gesture of “not gonna tell you, Mama, but I gonna show you” LOVE I got from him today!!!! Now I know as giddy as I am, and as much as I am BRAGGING on here…I have to NOT make it tooooooooo Big of a Deal for him, but still, AWESOME.

This is me laying low, not going back on my no refined sugar thing, until I have properly disposed of the FABULOUS Fannie May Chocolates that she gave me to secretly make me addicted so I have no choice but to return for a visit remind me of Chicago.
This is my notebook of PEALS OF WISDOM I will be sharing with you , and sat on the couch flipping through as I cuddled my short people….this is a chewed on elephant, that was also on my counter.

This is what I did to MAKE sure I hopped back in my bed for a NAP, when I lay the littles down. I ALWAYS make my bed…but to take a GOOD nap, I left it ready, waiting for me to return. Can you hear these covers calling my name?...I am not catching up on laundry today, not pushing kids and behaviors. We are laying low and letting my re-entry be as slow and non-eventful as HUMANLY possible…wish me LUCK!...and on that note….I am getting in that bed!!!! Ni-Night!!!

Did I mention it's "Dip-Dip Night" for Dinner?

I'm STILL Standing

She’s BAAA-ck…kinda, maybe not full power yet, but not the puddle-o’-mess she was. She as in me, the Mama that DID NOT have “things” very together last week.

Resolution is such a beautiful thing.
“Elvis has not left the building”… Baby Faith is still in our home. Her Mama and the P.O. are agreeing to transition her V-E-R-Y slowly….awesome. The unknown, the fear I had was eating my heart right on up…now I know the plan, and we can move forward, will it be easy? NOPE, but it will be good.

My sweet girl that is having a “break” from our family, is doing well, processing, having time, in a safe place to “sober up”, get un-stuck, be trigger free, and regulate. That is a gift we can not give her right now.  There are so many things I miss, and so many I do not. But, it is what it is, and on this very long marathon of therapeutic parenting, the one thing you can be sure of is time, this is going to take A LOT of time.

I am forever grateful to the friends/family that love us through this, holds our hands, and holds us up through the toughest, hardest decisions, NO PARENTS should have to make and far too many do.

I am back from the Parenting Conference in Chicago. It. Was. Amazing.
I, Lindsay, who have taught parenting classes, been to EVERY class/conference, read every book, stalked every child professional, sneaked into conferences my therapist hubbie got me into…LEARNED soooooo much. All I can say is friends start saving NOW…I will be posting the pearls of wisdom through out the next weeks, the coolest therapists,behavior modification specialists, AMAZING parents I met..and the GOLDEN gift of running into a friend a phenomenal woman that was one of the dearest surprises of all ..There is FAR too much fabulous stuff to try to say it all in one post.

Dear Christine,
THANK YOU, thank you for kicking me in the hiney, pulling me up by my boot straps, and TELLING me to go to the Conference. I love that when I read, or text you now, I hear your voice, see the kindness in your eyes. I already miss you, and am indebted to the gifts you gave me.
Love ya girl,

Just want to tell ya’ll, she (as in me) is here, she is back, SHE IS STILL STANDING and THANK YOU for all of the prayers, love and thoughts…I could feel em!